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Allan put on his thinking cap.

It was amazing what could be found in the bottom of that Tardis-like bag. It was just a pity that it didn't come complete with a set of world maps or a compass.

Still, being an old boy scout, Allan knew how to find the major directions from the position of the sun.

It was, maybe, a little unfortunate that it had been very overcast for the last few days and the sun definitely did not have its hat on.

After having been stuck in the desert for days Allan deciding to follow the birds in the sky as they must be heading somewhere useful.

"Ah, footprints" called out Allan " we are not alone".

His OH pointed out that the rather large birds were circling and that the footprints were their own...…..

The shade from the circling birds gave some respite. Allan threw away his thinking cap and put his topi back on. OH's parasol was beginning to look a little singed with the heat.

Indeed, they had been walking in circles, but a new set of prints emerged from behind a rock, one full footprint with one small circle.

Now it could be someone pulling a prank, walking on their hands with a stick and a shoe, or it could be Long John Silver.....

Of course being this story it had to be a prank....it was a monkey of the no flying kind monking around with a stick. Allan did not take kindly to Monkeys these days and tried to catch it, but no luck. It jumped onto OH head and then into her bag. Allan looked inside the bag and couldn't see the monkey...then Allan had a thought...what if he jumped into the bag maybe it could magic him somewhere else...what harm could it do...so in he jumped.....

and found some cash.

Well, at least he found two ape knees

(I've waited years to crack that one ;-))

The monkey was not amused, as it turned out to be the librarian beloved of all readers of the late Sir Terry Pratchett's books, who was in fact an orangutan and had a distinct aversion to being referred to as a monkey. This usually resulted in violence towards the utterer of such a vile comment.

Allan needs to pay off the orangutan to save the last two steps to the ignominy of page 2.

Walking around in the bottom of the capacious bag, Allan found some coppers, some silver and a few buttons.

'That will get the monkey off me back,' though Allan.

Surfacing from the bag, Allan saw the monkey had gone, and also OH. But where?

Not wishing to press his luck, Allan scarpered off in what he hoped was the opposite direction to his OH and her simian companion.

Allan raced up a sand dune and had fun rolling down the other side. Only to find that his OH and her companion had gone around the same dune........

Allan was beginning to feel like a character out of the film 'Dune' and started humming the desert theme, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDAreivSjIY

He realised that, despite it being overcast for the last few days, he was beginning to suffer from the effects of too much sun.

At one point he even thought that he could see the sea and when combing see, or sea, with the word dune, the meaning is altered to dunce.

This was too much for Allan's fevered imagination and he passed out through sheer mental exhaustion.

Something woke Allan up.....it was water....no...it was coconut milk....and looming over him was the nice young lady with the famous bunch of coconuts.......but he couldn't make out what she was saying......."runaway with me please???"........but no....he worked it out..."runway.......plane"....just as a large shadow encroached on him....

As with all things, and Allan's typical luck, this was no rescue aircraft that was coming into land, but a kettle of vultures

No hang on, it was a circles of drones, with a net strung between them.

Skilfully they scooped Allan up, and deposited him at the feet of OH and the monkey, outside a shack. It had obviously been a shop at one point, as the counter inside held decrepit packs of Spangles, Beech Nuts and Liquorice Whirls.

Allan was so hungry he eyed them up, and wondered if 30 year old sweeties would do him any harm.....

So, being the gent he was he knew he had to keep his OH away from the old sweeties.
For we all know the state she gets into when she eats....

But would she listen to him?
She had enough sense to steer clear of anything containing liquorice, - whirling or otherwise. One never knew when it might have a drastic effect, but those other old fashioned favourites were another matter and conjured up such happy memories.

No, Alan might be up for a losing battle here.
Was that a sherbert fountain he was trying to hide? and surely there were aniseed balls. too.
Now the latter might have another use..............

..... they,re a bit like marmite, love them or hate them.


So Allan started on them hoping the monkey hated the smell.

He didn't eat them all however.

This was not because he was polite and not greedy, although those descriptions were extremely apt, but because if the group was hunted by a pack of dogs, or wild pigs, he wanted something to put them off the scent.

The mismatched party went forth. If they'd gone third they would have won a chocolate teapot

What a useful thing to have in the desert. You could drink the melted chocolate and keep the water for later.

So off they went - up and down dune......

Into the sunset and sunrise......

Problem was melted chocolate on fingers gets sticky.....this means sand sticks to them...so no matter how far they walked they always were surrounded in sand....and of course Allan was getting sand in his socks.....nothing more annoying than sand in your socks...well okay the RRer is more annoying but that's another story.....so Allan decided to sit on a nearby rock to take his socks off.........

He thought that he'd better do something about his underwear as well.

There was no doubt that the sand was extremely intrusive; his paper was full of it, as were his wiches

Wich is, of course, a very old northern term for a sock. The etymology of this word is derived from that question which dates back to when socks were first worn; which foot does this one go on?