General Chat

I'm really worried about my step daughters wedding, I am wife number 2 and had nothing to do with why wife number 1 is no longer around. My situ is that wife 1 is coming into my home on the day of the wedding to help her daughter get ready (this was my suggestion but I think they presumed it would be ok anyway) Trouble is it used to be her home and I have this dread that she is going to come in and act like she owns the joint and I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. She has already sent text messages asking my husband for loans and flights etc. which obviously he hasn't done. I have arranged most of the wedding with my step daughter, Wife 1 hasn't been involved at all not even financially so any tips on biting my tongue?

Afraid I can't give any constructive advice - but hope all goes well. Made be a quite word before the wedding day? Good luck Liz

Bless you Liz!! I am so nervous as it will be the first time that I have to be around her in my own home and I so want this to be the best day ever!! Fingers x'd and all that!!

its your step-daughters wedding day..the happiest day of her life.. thats enough reason to make it a perfect day,if that means biting your lip,and drawing blood,so be it. hope you all have a wonderful day.....bryan.

Lorr.... I've done that one and explained how I feel so he's hopefully gonna make sure I'm not the outsider in my own home. Bryan.... I know I am going to have to bite hard but sometimes it's not that easy when some people around you make you feel like you don't belong. But trust me I will be giving it my best shot!! ;O)

Donna, Step daughter wants her mother to stay at ours the night before the wedding and we have had to say no because it's just not fair on us. I am not wanting to belittle anyone but to use my husbands words.... "I divorced her to get her out the house, there is no way I am waking up to find that money wasted!!" Which made me giggle as you can imagine!! Trouble is is wife 1 doesn't see the things she does as wrong!! She lives in Europe and still had the cheek to ask my husband to organise her flights home for the wedding!! Like she is incapable!! She's 44 not 80.

Dear 2nd Wife Your in a terrible dilemma indeed trying to balance the love you have for your step daughter whilst feeling protective against this 'stranger' who has really nothing else in common expect being blood! Biting your tongue may be the best option, but you may not be able to as she will be in YOUR house and she should respect it at so, after all, you wouldn't expect a drive of a car you sold years ago if you saw it in the street would you! What I would suggest is that you make all the effort when she turns up to show her 'where things are' around the house. I bet the layout will have changed some since she went, but even if it has not, you will be showing her that she is the visitor. Your tour only need take a minute or so, but it will set the ground rules. Then you need to relax, and carry on your usual day to day tasks getting involved only when your step-daughter asks. I bet during the day and certainly at the reception you will get more that your fair share of recognition from your SD, even if you do not, you should hold your head up high with the personal knowledge that you care enough to be concerned!! Good Luck

Judith, thank you!! Unfortunately step daughter sees it as her right to have her mother there on her wedding day. I have this awful feeling to that she will end up getting ready at ours as weel which is going to go down like a lead balloon.

hi this will be confusing, my daughter married 3 years ago, her dad wasn't on the scene and not invited, but my 2nd ex husband was, 3rd ex wasn't. i walked natasha down the aisle big white church wedding and i was really proud. 2nd ex decided to only come to the church,and the day was lovely. on a good note its your step daughters day,her mum will feel awkward and is probably nervous to,i would bite my tongue, relax and there will be so much going on you won't have time to think about it, your stepdaughter is very lucky to have you and dad doing the right thing because you love her so much, i am proud of you in that you will do this for her to make her day the best it can be. It will be ok and you will get through the day just fine, if she picks holes just say well we are happy with what we have. good luck sandra

I must say, I think your Step-Daughter has every right to expect her Mother to be with her on her big day. My parents are divorced, and my Dad is re-married - to the woman he left my Mum for. When I got married, we all had to compromise in some way. I had to accept that my Dad would want his wife there; my Dad had to accept that some other members of the family were a little hostile towards him and her. My Mum said nothing about my Step-Mother being there ...she was even civil to her, which nearly killed her. We all made little sacrifices which paid off. It was the best day of my life, and a lot of people still talk about our wedding as one of the best and most joyous they have ever been to. We did it because at the end of the day - life is too short (too many cliches Suzy!!) Why not let her even stay the night before. It's only 24 hours and you and your husband have the rest of your lives to enjoy. Your Step-Daughter would be overjoyed, and it would make her day perfect. Yours too, I suspect.

Dear 2nd It will be hard but she will be there for 24 hrs tops. You have been there all the time and it is now your home. You can put your feet on the sofa, sing in the shower and do all the things you do when you are at home, she can't. If you involve her in everything on the day, champagne brekkie, or special lunch, doing step d's make up etc, you may find the time will pass quickly and before you know it she will be on the plane home again! Above all KEEP SMILING, if nothing else she will notice how happy you are. If you feel the need to scream or moan, phone a friend and have a quiet natter to get it off your chest. Above all again, enjoy the day. Deborah

Listen wife number two. I've been where you are now, and yes it is hard, but it's only for ONE day. Your husband is on YOUR side don't forget. I bet wife number one is more nervous than you. Put on you best smily face and relax, after all you have a lot more than she has. Have a beautiful wedding. Jo.

A still tongue keeps a wise tongue - after all she will only be there for one day - us women have a lot of patience and losing your tongue will only upset everyone including yourself and I'm sure your step daughter will not want that on the day of her wedding. Try and let all that she does go over your head - easier said than done but I'm in the same situation - I live in my hubbys marital home with him - his first wife is brill and we are the best of friends. Anyway you may find that she is as nervous as you are. Love Tracy

hiya i really hope everything turns out okay if you have any tips throw them my way im in the same boat the wedding isnt till next may but already theres bad vibes take care tina xx

I'm sure that you will be fine simply because you have recognised that there may be some awkward moments. If there are times when you feel a little unsure of yourself and your position on the day, be extra demonstrative towards your husband - an extra peck on the cheek -call him darling or petal or whatever at every opportunity. If nothing else this will get right up her nose when she has got up yours! It may also shock your husband - so better warn him first. Keep hold of the reins at all time - it's your day too. Tell her her place in the bathroom rota for instance. Say things like 'if you sit here, I will...' and 'I'm going to do this so you can do.....' Use '!' a lot. Get your husband to send you a huge thank you card for all the work you have put in on behalf of his daughter and display it prominently!! If all else fails - grin and bear it and have a slug of something in the kitchen to see you through. Just one point - has she been told where she should sit at the marriage ceremony? Hope you have a fantastic day - as I'm sure you will xx

As a no.2 wife I understand yor problem. Isn't there a room at the church or wedding venue where your step daughter can get ready? This would solve your problem. Or even book a hotel room nearby. I was lucky, my eldest step daughter didn't invite us and my youngest eloped to gretna green Whatever, it's your step daughters day, and you are all involved one way or another. Take a deep breath, count to ten, make sure you have a good stock of Australia wine and you will all soon be friends. Have a wonderful day

Not been in anything like this situation, but how about getting your best friend to be at your house on the day. You will then have someone with you all day, so you won't need to worry about awkward silences or being alone with 'her'. Do you have more than one bathroom? If so, then you can say to her "You and - step-daughter - can use this bathroom, and - step-daughter's - bedroom to get ready, then we won't be in each other's way". If not, then you will need to plan out the day with your s-d beforehand, to allow everyone their own bathroom time, and their own spaces. If s-d is going to the hairdresser, then that would be a good time for you to do your ablutions undisturbed. Mainly, plan as much as you can ahead of time - if you are well-prepared, then you will be calmer. You can say to her when she arrives - this is how s-d has planned out the day, she will find it hard then to walk in and take charge. Hope something in my ramblings is useful! Maz. XX

Thanks guys, I really appreciate you words..... I have acted on a couple, Best buddy is coming over at 11am to help me stay calm, everyone has been told that the No 1 wife is not using my bathroom or going in my bedroom. And above all I am not going to lose my DIGNITY. I have worked really hard for this day to be perfect, I am not having No 1 wife spoil it for me or anyone else. One comment though is to Suzy.... yes she has every right to be at the wedding, but she has no rights to be in my home.... we are allowing her there out of love for my s-d and it's a massive effort that is needed from everyone not just me. Plus i had NOTHING to do with the breakdown of their marriage, I didn't meet up with Hubby until she had been gone for 5 years, so no-one has any rights to be treating me with disgust. And i am not just a tag on to my husband's invite, I personally have organised 60% of the day and paid for things out of my savings account not joint accounts, so I have every right to be there too.

Glad to help! Please remember to let us know how it went. I am sure your step-daughter will realise (even if it is later on) the thought and effort you have put in to ensure a conflict-free day for her. Maz. XX

Hello again I'm really glad you feel you are sorting things out and that you have arranged support through your friend. That was a good idea. I hope I didn't upset you.... but my words were that your Step-daughter had every right to have her Mother at her wedding, not that her Mother had every right to be there. They are two different things. Also, I read your words carefully and was fully aware that you had nothing to do with your husband's divorce from his first wife. I merely mentioned that my Dad brought his second wife to my wedding (whom he DID leave my Mum for) to emphasize that even in the most difficult of situations, you can have a wonderful day to remember. If I gave a different impression, then I apologise profusely. I'll raise a glass to you all having a super day.