General Chat

Had a big row with my eldest this morning. She is in her GCSE year at school and we have had 2 letters from school in 10 days saying that she is behind in her course work. She has a new boyfriend who she obviously wants to spend time with but we have said she can't see him 2 nights a week as she must concentrate on school work. Just got a text from her saying that I don't make her feel like part of the family and she doesn't feel like coming home. Don't much feel like being here myself :-( Any advice pleeeeeeease. Jeanette x

hi jeanette. i went through all that with my eldest 2 boys ! they are now 22 and 24 - and still at home ! whoops sorry, i was trying to make you feel better. lol sue.

How old is the boyfriend? - is he/should he be studying too? Could they study together? - two birds with one stone. Or perhaps you should compromise and say that as long as she puts in say 3 hours a day - double at the weekend until she's caught up- she can see him as often as she wants within reason? No coursework done - no socialising. I think you've got to be cruel to be kind. If she throws away her exams - she's throwing herself away too. I think she's trying a bit of emotional blackmail there! I don't think what you are saying is unreasonable. Magsxx

Thanks Sue! lol Mags Her boyfriend is 17 and left school. He seems like a really nice lad and I'm pleased she's got herself a boyfriend. But when you try and tell her anything she just argues the toss. She doesn't do anything around the house and spends most of her weekends in bed. She very rarely joins in with the rest of us so it's hardly surprising she doesn't feel like part of the family Jeanette x

jeanette, this might make you feel better. i also have an eight year old- so i have to go through it all again. [if i have the strength-lol] sue.

Now don't start me off on that one Sue! lol. I've got an 8 year old too who doesn't hear anything that's said to her unless it comes out of the telly! lol. Talk about on another planet! Jeanette x

thank goodness you told me that ! i thought there was something wrong with mine. we were considering sending off for a replacement ,but hubby had snip after the shock of another one arriving, so that is impossible! or maybe have his hearing checked. he is on another planet, and always seems to have 3 or 4 things on the go at the sametime ! playstation on in 1 room, computer on in another and him sat downstairs watching cartoon network . i seem to spend most of my time switching things off- wish he had an on /off button sometimes. lol. sue.

Sounds like we've got 2 of a kind then Sue. If you ever invent that on/off switch please let me know for the sake of my sanity! lol Jeanette x

I think you are being very fair with your daughter - two nights I feel it adequate for course work!!! She will thank you one day - I did with my mum when I grew up and admitted she was right!!! Hope it works out!!! lol

Have you tried talking to the boyfriend on the quiet? If she won't listen to you - she might listen to him. Are you still doing everything for her while she treats you like a hotel?? I think if she's made to feel 'like she's not one of the family' you ought to go to the whole hog and withdraw services like washing and catering for a start ! And I expect she'll still expect her pocket money at the end of the week? lol. I think she needs a bit of reality check. Get it right with this one and the next will be a doddle lol Even an 8 year old can do chores you know. Try taking the plugs off the computer etc!! I must have been a wicked mother - but they still talk to me and there always seemed to be a houseful of other people's kids - so I can't have been that bad lol Magsxx

Thanks for that Nicola. I think I'm being fair too. It's parents evening tomorrow only I wouldn't have known if we hadn't got these 2 letters. She doesn't give me the form to fill in so I don't get any appointments! Have managed to get 3 appointments directly through the school though. I must admit she does rather remind me of me when I was her age though! lol Jeanette x

My son did his GCSE's last year and it was a nightmare trying to get him to study at home. He kept saying that he'd had study time at school and didnt want to do it at home which is understandable at that age. Ive always thought it was a bad age to have to knuckle down and be serious what with hormones and all that. Ive also got 2 daughters aged 8 and 10 and ive an awful feeling they will be much harder to deal with! In the end he did ok with his exams so maybe i worried too much.

Hi Mags I did think about having a word with the boyfriend actually. Now you've mentioned it I think I will. Yes she does rather treat this place like a hotel and me as her skivvy. Infact the 8 year old is probably better than her. She asks if she can wash up and hoover from time to time. I think part of the problem is that me and my partner have different views about chores and such. And both my kids are very adept at playing us off against each other. I went to see him at work today cos I was in such a tizz and said that I was going to be the 'boss' from now on cos his laid back approach ain't getting us nowhere! lol Jeanette x

Good for you ! It WILL be hard but I am sure you will see the benefit after a couple of weeks (very long weeks!! lol). You have a place at the TOP of the household along with your husband and asserting your authority may come as a bit of a shock but it will make sure that at least you are your own person instead of everybody else's! lol Good luck Magsxx

How about a family round table conference. We all make this house untidy,we all need clean clothes etc etc. As you all know I had five all under five to begin with and returned to teaching when the youngest was 8 months old.As my boys grew up jobs that had to be done around the house were done on a rota system.Everyone knew wtat responsibility was all about.We pulled together. My father in law was the sort who expected to sit in a chair and have everything done for him.I told all of mine that I had no intention of bringing up parasitic males.My boys can all cook and clean.They had to.If they wanted a shirt then they had to wash it as they were old enough. Youngsters rise to what is expected of them.They do actually have a well defined sense of fair play. With regard to studying have you tried putting the responsibility for her studying in her own hands. My friend has two daughters and he has a wonderful way with them.When they go out he never TELLS them to be in by any particular time.He always says 'What time do you think is reasonable' They have made the decision and never let him down. Would this work with the studying/seeing boyfriend routine. Ash her what she thinks is a reasonable arrangement You may be surprised. We got through teenage pretty well with all of ours.I think they are all pretty nice guys - RoseThey are now 43,41 and 39yrs old

Rose I like the idea of a family round table conference. To be honest they're all as bad as each other including their Dad! They can't even manage to put a new toilet roll on the holder when the last one's run out! I don't mind doing anything for them as long as I get a bit back in return. I think they think cos I don't work that its my job to go round clearing up after them. Again I don't mind as long as they are condiderate of what they expect me to do - which they aren't at the moment. A big shake up required all round I think! Jeanette x

Jeanette,,,, It must be the day of letters... I got one this morning too telling me that my daughter is behind with her coursework... shes in GCSE year too!! I never had this bother with my older two... but then they are boys and everyone says girls are the worst... LOL I have the younger ones to go through yet too!! My youngest doesnt even start school till 2006 so by the time he gets to this stage I'll be ripping my hair out!! Shaz x

Shaz Doesn't it come as a shock? I thought everything was going along hunky dory. One of the subjects she is behind in is Child Development and she wants to work with children. The 2 letters I got came from the same department as they have made it their policy to send out letters when the kids get behind. This doesn't happen in any of the other departments so I am now wondering if she is behind in any other subjects. Jeanette x

Jeanette, My letter listed 4 subjects that she is behind with and of course if I say anything to her then its a case of ... You hate me!! Your only stressy with me!! Why is it always me you pick on!!! Oh thats right pick on my and not the blue eyed boy!! Infact the only time she doesnt gob off about something is when I'm praising her... infact she doesnt even seem to notice and only ever notices when I have a go at her!! Mind you I have a parents evening at her school tomorrow night so we'll see what comes of that. Shaz x

Shaz lol. Sounds like all teenage girls are the same then! I too have parents evening tomorrow so we'll have to have a chat and see what they say. Jeanette x