General Chat

"Fancy a bonk" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in lager. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you." "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for being ugly. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

Blimey,darren the mind boggles,it,s a good job there is no such thing as a perfect man,and i know i,m going to take a lot of flak when i say there is no such thing as a perfect woman ,they are bad enough to live with as it is lol.Fred

No not married anymore....can't think why

oh darren, you poor misguided fool, lol an you wonder why your no longer married, the perfect women does exsist, most of them are on this website arent we girls? donna would agree im sure. and the men do suffer pmt donna, have you seen how they sulk around moaning about the wrong time of the month!

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN: Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with beer and food.

The world would be a very different place if men had to go through pregnancy and birth firsthand ....

How to Shower - Like A Man: 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower). 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time. 16. Partially dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ......... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like ......... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like ........ Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ......... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead? A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand 10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. 8. Crying can be fun. 7. FAT CLOTHES. 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND: 1. OTHER WOMEN!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

hi Men just think it's a man's world-and women are intelligent enough to keep what they know to themselves tracey

darren you hit the nail on the head there it doesnt matter about the womens health situation, the other people in the house were all MEN THATS WHY ONE WOMEN, WITH PMT, CAN CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB. dont make your problem our problem darren lol aww i think on second thughts darren has been hurt emotionally you need to open up to us darren on what makes you so obsessed by pmt. maybe we should all send darren a hug. tee hee

Hi Darren Nice to see you back on the boards. I've missed your rantings! lol Hubby loved your 'how to shower like a man'. Jeanette

women have many faults, but men have only TWO everything they say and everything they do. penny

Penny You hit the nail on the head there - LOL!! Lynne

darren love it... have you had a bad experience with a women..?

Darren In The Perfect world Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets. A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing. Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas. Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures. Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit." Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds. Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks Now THAT would be a perfect world!!!!! Christine

One or two bad uns, lou but just met someone special last week so thing so things are looking up at the min. :-)