General Chat

As ship's quartermaster I require all crew and passengers to declare any personal effects that could be useful if the ship finds itself in an emergency situation so that these can be recorded on my emergency inventory. I therefore expect all on board to report to me before the ship sets sail with details of any items they possess that could be of help if needed, and to agree to hand these over when asked. Items already declared: a reverend for soul-saving purposes complete with accessories; sundry entertainment items (including some "exotic" items) that will be useful if we are stuck in a lifeboat for days; medicinal alcohol of different sorts; laundry products to keep all those knickers clean and pristine;ruined shoes that can be recyled for their red leather; precious gems - including diamonds that can be used in rock-cutting tools if we need to hollow ourselves out a cave for shelter on a desert island; luxury food products in case ship's rations run low and also for any emergency birthday parties; a large amount of 2nd hand knicker elastic for tying up marauding pirates; medical supplies in case anyone breaks their nails and the manicurist can't help; magical equipment and potions to charm any pagan natives on inhabited islands we might pass; nuclear bomb proof shelter for preserving our family history records should the world end en voyage; sewing supplies/scissors for repairing all those knickers being brought on board and embroidering new red shoes; endless supply of political hot air for filling balloons to be made of sails sutured together with medical suturing thread and tied with knicker elastic; office sundries in case we need to set up in business as a floating family history records office; enough erotic paraphernalia to kit out Anne Summers and a family planning clinic; plus potential members (excuse the pun) of a new dance troupe to rival the Chippendales, with their props, in case we have to deal with any warlike female tribes; lashings of plum jam to make the ship's biscuits palatable. Angela

I haven't got anything useful. Honest. No vodka at all. And only 2 pairs of ruined red shoes. Absolutely no elves. Gwynne

Thanks for these. All duly noted on my emergency inventory. They will be requisitioned from you only in an emergency. And yes, that does include the truffles which will be requisitioned should any passenger suffer a diabetic problem and should the ship's medicine cabinet be short of the usually required drugs. No arguments please, rich fare paying passenger. Angela

Gwynne - Darn right you have no elves!!

Twelve miles of used knicker elastic, to tie up the pirates Elaine x

Just how many pirates are you expecting Elaine? I suppose we could also use it for harpoon cord, stringing bows and arrows and catapults, making new hammocks etc. Angela

A wand, a chalice, all different kinds of sewing needles and a very sharp pair of scissors, a needle threader, a loop turner and my husband says that as long as I don't bring the credit card I can come for as long as I like and he will give us a suturing kit and some packets of dried water. Abigail

Ah, you mean this elf. Well he was lost and i'm just looking after him. The handcuffs are in case he gets lost. Gwynne

I have nothing that will be of any use to you lot - I'm a politician - I lie! The Prime Ministers emergency nuclear bomb shelter will be for the sole use of the PM and her spin doctors (and anybody who can slip me a big enough backhander!) Jeanette self appointed PM

In an emergency, a quartermaster outranks a PM and any number of spin doctors. And don't think you can argue - I work with enough politicians to know exactly how to handle them. I am therefore adding the emergency nuclear bomb shelter to the emergency list and will requisition it if any passenger has brought on board a Red Button and presses it by mistake. And I will also add the large amount of hot air you also obviously possess in case we need to use this to fill a balloon made of sail-silk sutured with medicinal suturing supplies and tied to a basket with knicker elastic to float off a the ship if we hit an iceberg. Angela

(roflmao Angela!) My dear girl I will be the one with the emergency red button and you can be sure I won't be telling you if I press it. Myself and my fellow MPs did enjoy your little joke about a quartermaster outranking the PM. It caused much mirth here in The House. ORDER! ORDER! Jeanette PM

Jeanette I never joke. Politicians and spin doctors just think they're in charge. But its the civil servants who really get things done. And I think you'd better hand over that red button now for safe keeping as I wouldn't want you to make any mistakes. If I think there is reason to press it, I will provide you with a written report in triplicate setting out all the options and their implications, and offering a single clear recommendation which I will expect you to accept. Angela

Absolutely. We have far more important things to attend to such as freebie holidays.............err I mean world summits! lol Jeanette PM

Jeanette I'm glad we got that sorted out. I am sure that we can now have a productive relationship based on openness and a thorough understanding of what needs to be done and when and by whom. Please don't let it get in the way of your world summits though. Perhaps when you have a moment, you might like to discuss an itinerary for summits with natives of the various islands we will pass on our journey so as to make best use of the public funds that are obviously being used to finance your place on the ship. Some of them may have additional supplies that I could add to my inventory - hitherto unknown drugs, new and exotic fruits etc. I presume you will be bringing your international relations spin doctor and associated diplomats with you in your suitcase? Angela

Jane in the office here. I have elastic bands, Paper clips, paper and pens, a photocopier, files, a computer and filing cabinet. In fact a lovely little offcie really! Jane

In my role as gigalo I am anticipating bringing with me/requiring large amounts of wine, roses, chocolate, CD's of romantic music, massage oil and of course large amounts of *cough* protection, to prevent too many visits to the doctor.

All now added to my list thanks. I need to verify Sean Connery's state of (un)dress personally though so that I can make sure I have listed his accessories accurately. Bring him along to the stores after dinner would you. Angela

LOADS OF PLUM JAM David

David The plum jam is THE most important item on my emergency list. It has a million and one uses - for example to make ship's biscuits taste better, to treat hypoglaecaemia in diabetics, to use as a sticky glue when we run out of copydex, to place away from camps on dessert islands in order to lure away the nasty biting ants, and we can always spread it over the emergency-issue male dance troupe for entertainment value! Angela

Hic, lots of gin, hic,hic,hic! If there's any left in an emergency its yours....hic,hic, cheers!!! ;-) Viv