General Chat

Sorry to be on such a 'downer' but currently going through hell with memories of this time last year when my very premature daughter (Ellie, born at 27wks weighing 1lb4oz) became ill. We lost her 2 days later from a common premature baby complication called NEC. Ellie was 27days old, and a much wanted 1st baby after years of infertility. In a strange way, starting to trace my family tree helps me to come to terms with losing Ellie. It feels like something to pass on to future (maybe?) children, and definately is something I can leave behind..... Hope this post doesn't offend anybody. I'm normally quite an upbeat sort of person, but the current reminders are proving to be pretty horrible. Sue

Sue So sorry to hear about your little daughter. I have not lost a baby like that but I did have a miscarriage before my son was born. Even though it was very early on, it was still my longed for baby - something very real to me. It then seemed to be an eternity until I got preganant again - I was then dogged with everything you can possibly get all through the pregnancy and Rhys was eventually born by emergency caesarian at 35 weeks. He will be 7 next month and is an absolute gem! We decided we didn't want to go through it all again so he is an adored only one. I know exactly what you mean about genealogy helping - I got into it after my mum died and it gave me an enormous sense of belonging. My thoughts are with you. You will never forget Ellie - you wouldn't want to. I always remember what would have been my first baby's birthday. I do hope you get the baby you long for... Lots of love Kim xx

Sue, sending you love and hugs at this difficult time. I know a little of what you feel because our son was premature, was very poorly and we nearly lost him. I didn't see him until he was 10 days old and that still upsets me to this day, almost 16 years later. Like Kim, he is therefore our adored only child as we couldn't bear to go through that again. But we have him, and I can't begin to imagine how you feel without your precious Ellie. I hope and pray that you will soon have your much-longed-for child. Mandy xx

Susan I haven't experienced anything like what you are experiencing, I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you. I hope you will be able to get through this very difficult time. Take care Chloe x

Sue, so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's just to say we are all here to share each others ups and downs. It's like I always say, this is like having an extra set of friends on GC. Take care Sue, luv Jo. x.

Thinking of you as you remember precious Ellie with love.

Thanks Lorraine, we are quite close geographically. Im in Havant, and Ellie lived at St Mary's in Portsmouth. I know it will get easier after Friday, but the next couple of days are going to be so hard. Sue

Susan I feel desperately sad for you and your loss. I have never lost a child but my sister was killed in a car accident a fortnight before she was due to give birth and even though this happened in 1979 I grieve for her and that tiny baby every anniversary. You will never forget your darling baby nor should you be expected to. Love Lorrainexxx

Thanks for all your replies and support. It is such a taboo subject.....we find that only certain friends and family feel able to acknowledge how we are feeling right now. We do understand it is a difficult subject, but Ellie was here for 27 days, and we miss her Sue

It's not a taboo subject here!! I know what you mean - people seem to think a baby or an unborn child is less human sometimes and doesn't deserve the same amount of grief. I also think men don't understand the feelings the mother has - sorry to offend anyone! - but I think only a mother has that bond with a baby. Most men don't get into to being fathers until the child is walking and talking. So talk to us - please! Kim xx

Chris was besotted with Ellie, but both of us suffered from feeling that she was not 'our' baby. Although Ellie was remarkably well for her 1st 25 days, we never felt she was our baby. Because she was so tiny and under intensive care we had to have permission to even touch her. We were 'lucky' in that she never had a ventilator so we were able to have lots of cuddles outside of her incubator, but when she was ill at the end that stopped. It was an almost surreal experience to 'show off' our baby as if she was an exhibit in a zoo. We were only allowed 2 people at a time ie one of us and another. Even when she was dying that same rule applied....

Susan Grieving is a very long, slow process. It is very painful. I am very lucky, I have two healthy boys, but I have had a miscarriage and my first baby was in special care for a week. I still miss the first baby I never had. It is not a taboo subject, it happens all too often. My mother-in-law lost her first baby at two minutes' old - she was unconscious at the time, and never held her baby. My sister-in-law also lost a premature baby. I think some people like to avoid talking about these things because they honestly don't know what to say, or they say things like "you'll get over it". It's such a sad event it is hard for anybody to know what to say or do. I hope sharing your feelings here has helped a little. Helen In time, the memories of Ellie will be happier.

Susan, please don't feel that you have to aplogise for being on a 'downer'. You lost a child, you are allowed to grieve. This is the first anniversary of your loss and it is bound to bring out emotions that you perhaps thought you had already coped with. She is giving you another chance to remember her, cry for her and say goodbye. You will never forget her but with each anniversary of her death it will become easier to cope with. I truly feel for you right now and along with everyone here send love and best wishes at this difficult time. Magsxxx

Oh Sue I hope you didn't think I meant your husband didn't hurt over losing Ellie - I'm sorry if I caused more hurt to you at this time. I was speaking very generally and just from my own experiences and of the men I'm around - my hubby was ecstatic when our son was born but their relationship really took off when Rhys was able talk and do things like run around in the garden playing football! But certainly when I had the miscarriage , the baby wasn't as real to him then as it was to me... Sorry, I'm probably hindering more than helping! I'll go back to how I started - by sending my love and saying I do understand a teeny bit... Kim x

Kim, I most definately didnt take offence at what you said.I agree with you that it is different for me, in that they didnt carry the child. Even though I know, logically, that it wasnt my fault that Ellie was born so soon, I will never be able to forgive myself for delivering her so early. My body let her down... Then again, I gave her the chance of life by having the c-section when I did. She was so brave, she deserved to live. Ellie had Down's syndrome, but despite only weighing 1lb 4oz she breathed for herself from the start. I was so proud of her for doing so well despite additional problems other than being tiny! We were so lucky that we had 25 'good' days with her before she got ill. We will be eternally grateful for that. Sue x

susan sending my love to you at this very sad time the anniversary of your baby's death.can not imagine how you must be feeling because this has never happened to me.people say it gets easier but i have a child of my own and if anything happened to her my world would end.take care xxxxxx

Sue - thanks for replying - I'll be able to sleep tonight now!! It's not your fault darling...perhaps Ellie wanted to come into the world early so you could spend some time with her, instead of her being possibly stillborn? She sounds a wonderful little girl - Rhys didn't breathe unaided straightaway at 5lbs so she did amazingly well. You actually sound more positive than you did when you started the thread - or is it just misleading, being written down instead of spoken? Kim xx

Hi there Sue, I for one do know what you are going through as I lost twins back in the late 60s. I only carried them for five and a half months but both were live births. One of the babies died before I came round (I was knocked out) but the second one lived for 13 hours. Worse still they used to keep you in hospital for 10 days, so there I was with no babies and al around were babies crying. I know that their lungs were not developed as that stage and who knows what problems they may have had in life. 3 wonderful children later, now all married with children of their own I often think back to their 2 brothers that never lived and am thankful for the 3 children I have Lynn

Susan I have sent you a message. Yvette

Hello Susan, I know exactly how you must feel. I had a baby born prematurely who only lived a few minutes. That was 54 years ago and I will never ever get over it. Every year on the 17th April, I am so miserable and upset and I have never been able to tell anyone how I feel. Unfortunately,I was not able to have another baby, but we adopted two wonderful boys and now have grandchildren too. I hope you will be lucky enough to have another baby soon. Love and best wishes from Sylvia in Perth WA XX