General Chat

Susan, I am so sorry for your loss. Although not in your situation, our daughter was diagnosed with a heart condition when she was 1 day old- she had an operation at 9 weeks and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do to hand her over to the doctors to perform the operation. i also felt that she was not really 'ours' until just after her first birthday when the doctors felt confident that the op had been a success. Up untril then I was trying to cram in everything I could think of to do with her, as I was convinced we were going to lose her and did not want to waste a second. It is a strange world you inhabit when your child is in hospital, and I feel sorry for you that the outcome was not happy. I hope that things will get better with time.

i havnt suffered a neonatal death but wen my son kris was born he wasnt expected to live as he had the worst type on meningitus there is we were told to expect the worse it was a terrible time luckily for us and him he did manage to live every year at his birthday i am reminded of how lucky we r depsite the problems he has (epilepsy)that he is here but also sad cus it was such a bad time then you must grieve for ur baby and talk bout her sorry for babling on lou xx

Thanks for all your support. At the time it always feels like you are the only one...and of course you are not! Im sure that those of you who have suffered a loss of any person close to them suffers from the same feelings, including the 'why me?'. Unlike some, I am able to look back with fond memories as well as the bad ones of the last 2 days of Ellie's life. We were lucky to have had those good days when so many don't get that chance. I agree totally with Kylie that the staff in the neonatal units are amazing. I certainly couldnt cope with that job, all the highs and lows. They were also amazing when Ellie died, we were given as much time as we wanted with her, and we had our own neonatal nurse that day, looking after us! They are very special people. Sue

Hello Susan, Im so sorry for your loss, I have never been in the situation you have but I did miscarry last year (the third one) and was absoloutly devastated. I have three children already but sadly divorced from their father 3 years ago. I met and married my new husband and he longed for a child so it was an absolute shock when we lost our baby. Im now waiting for test results to see where we go from now but have been told Im probably going to need some kind of fertility treatment. I will be thinking of you for the next few days. Love Julie........p.s. I found a great site that helps me quite alot its called born too soon and they add little cherubs for you on the site with your babys details, it may help xx

Susan my heart goes out to you at this sad time i have 3 lovely little boys and they are the best but when i was 17 i lost ababy it wasnt with my husband but by someone else and my mum doesnt ever let me mention it she feels that it should just not be spoke about but my hubby he is great and all though it wasnt his child every may (this is when i miscarried) he lets me cry and talk about what could off been lots of talking about Ellie is the best way and dont worry about what others think you talk about her and cry for her as much as u want ,and although you lost your baby in the neonatal unit those nurses are wonderful people i had 2 born early and spent 2 weeks in there and they were great (hope i didnt offend by talking about the neonatal unit) god bless kylie xxx

Susan Have sent you a mail Hugs Paul

Hello Susan, I know exactly how you must feel. I had a baby born prematurely who only lived a few minutes. That was 54 years ago and I will never ever get over it. Every year on the 17th April, I am so miserable and upset and I have never been able to tell anyone how I feel. Unfortunately,I was not able to have another baby, but we adopted two wonderful boys and now have grandchildren too. I hope you will be lucky enough to have another baby soon. Love and best wishes from Sylvia in Perth WA XX

Susan I have sent you a message. Yvette

Hi there Sue, I for one do know what you are going through as I lost twins back in the late 60s. I only carried them for five and a half months but both were live births. One of the babies died before I came round (I was knocked out) but the second one lived for 13 hours. Worse still they used to keep you in hospital for 10 days, so there I was with no babies and al around were babies crying. I know that their lungs were not developed as that stage and who knows what problems they may have had in life. 3 wonderful children later, now all married with children of their own I often think back to their 2 brothers that never lived and am thankful for the 3 children I have Lynn

Sue - thanks for replying - I'll be able to sleep tonight now!! It's not your fault darling...perhaps Ellie wanted to come into the world early so you could spend some time with her, instead of her being possibly stillborn? She sounds a wonderful little girl - Rhys didn't breathe unaided straightaway at 5lbs so she did amazingly well. You actually sound more positive than you did when you started the thread - or is it just misleading, being written down instead of spoken? Kim xx

susan sending my love to you at this very sad time the anniversary of your baby's death.can not imagine how you must be feeling because this has never happened to me.people say it gets easier but i have a child of my own and if anything happened to her my world would end.take care xxxxxx

Kim, I most definately didnt take offence at what you said.I agree with you that it is different for me, in that they didnt carry the child. Even though I know, logically, that it wasnt my fault that Ellie was born so soon, I will never be able to forgive myself for delivering her so early. My body let her down... Then again, I gave her the chance of life by having the c-section when I did. She was so brave, she deserved to live. Ellie had Down's syndrome, but despite only weighing 1lb 4oz she breathed for herself from the start. I was so proud of her for doing so well despite additional problems other than being tiny! We were so lucky that we had 25 'good' days with her before she got ill. We will be eternally grateful for that. Sue x

Oh Sue I hope you didn't think I meant your husband didn't hurt over losing Ellie - I'm sorry if I caused more hurt to you at this time. I was speaking very generally and just from my own experiences and of the men I'm around - my hubby was ecstatic when our son was born but their relationship really took off when Rhys was able talk and do things like run around in the garden playing football! But certainly when I had the miscarriage , the baby wasn't as real to him then as it was to me... Sorry, I'm probably hindering more than helping! I'll go back to how I started - by sending my love and saying I do understand a teeny bit... Kim x

Susan, please don't feel that you have to aplogise for being on a 'downer'. You lost a child, you are allowed to grieve. This is the first anniversary of your loss and it is bound to bring out emotions that you perhaps thought you had already coped with. She is giving you another chance to remember her, cry for her and say goodbye. You will never forget her but with each anniversary of her death it will become easier to cope with. I truly feel for you right now and along with everyone here send love and best wishes at this difficult time. Magsxxx

Susan Grieving is a very long, slow process. It is very painful. I am very lucky, I have two healthy boys, but I have had a miscarriage and my first baby was in special care for a week. I still miss the first baby I never had. It is not a taboo subject, it happens all too often. My mother-in-law lost her first baby at two minutes' old - she was unconscious at the time, and never held her baby. My sister-in-law also lost a premature baby. I think some people like to avoid talking about these things because they honestly don't know what to say, or they say things like "you'll get over it". It's such a sad event it is hard for anybody to know what to say or do. I hope sharing your feelings here has helped a little. Helen In time, the memories of Ellie will be happier.

Chris was besotted with Ellie, but both of us suffered from feeling that she was not 'our' baby. Although Ellie was remarkably well for her 1st 25 days, we never felt she was our baby. Because she was so tiny and under intensive care we had to have permission to even touch her. We were 'lucky' in that she never had a ventilator so we were able to have lots of cuddles outside of her incubator, but when she was ill at the end that stopped. It was an almost surreal experience to 'show off' our baby as if she was an exhibit in a zoo. We were only allowed 2 people at a time ie one of us and another. Even when she was dying that same rule applied....

It's not a taboo subject here!! I know what you mean - people seem to think a baby or an unborn child is less human sometimes and doesn't deserve the same amount of grief. I also think men don't understand the feelings the mother has - sorry to offend anyone! - but I think only a mother has that bond with a baby. Most men don't get into to being fathers until the child is walking and talking. So talk to us - please! Kim xx

Thanks for all your replies and support. It is such a taboo subject.....we find that only certain friends and family feel able to acknowledge how we are feeling right now. We do understand it is a difficult subject, but Ellie was here for 27 days, and we miss her Sue

Susan I feel desperately sad for you and your loss. I have never lost a child but my sister was killed in a car accident a fortnight before she was due to give birth and even though this happened in 1979 I grieve for her and that tiny baby every anniversary. You will never forget your darling baby nor should you be expected to. Love Lorrainexxx

Thanks Lorraine, we are quite close geographically. Im in Havant, and Ellie lived at St Mary's in Portsmouth. I know it will get easier after Friday, but the next couple of days are going to be so hard. Sue