General Chat

Some of the passengers of the SS Utopia have been rescued now please read from page 5 onward . . . .

Jen Have you moved without telling me!!! Slapped wrist! Kim

Yawhnnn.... Stretch.. Wow!! Just look at that sunrise peeping over the horizon. The waves gently rolling and breaking before they reach the shore... There is nothing more beautiful than watching the sunrise. Come along Boris...lets go fishing... Lindy;-))

HELLO FAT LADY COOK.....OVER HERE (wave,wave) Its me SASSY!!! I have been lost on the Island for 5 days. I had some gear with me but it's not were I left it. Have you seen it? Have you seen anyone else? There seems to be noone around. OH LOOK OVER THERE ON THAT TREE.......

OH! NO! SOS..HELP!..WHERE IS THAT....BOAT.....GET ME OFF OF THIS ISLAND...I RATHER GO BACK TO THE ALGARVE.. THEN LIVE WITH NIGHTMARE "SASSY" SWIM BORIS....STROKE!... BREATHE!... STROKE! ..

HI FAT LADY COOK It seems that everyone was rescued from the Island, but had to leave without us. They are sending a boat back for us tomorrow. Shall we stay or should we go? Your call SASSY

BOAT? WHAT BLINKING BOAT? NO BODY TOLD ME ABOUT ANY BOAT!!!!! I'M BITING MAD NOW I AM! When I think of the damage I COULD have done whilst on that crap tourist boat, and even on this poxy island - I didnt though, did I - I was good. I kept my teeth to myself and have been off on a wander for a few days (managed to find a rather nice species of Vampire Bat on that hill range on the left, so was quite merrily joining in with them) and then I thought I had better look at those survivors and Colin the Alligator (Boris died Fat Lady Cook many moons ago - will you listen!) What do I find, they have buggred off and left most of us here! Is that friendship? I ask you? JAC THE DRAC

What are you going to cook Black Widow? is there any grub left or did the miserly gits take that as well???? I have a cunning plan though - my trusty Dracula Cloak is still in one piece (it was lining my coffin, er I mean bed) which washed up at the time of the shipwreck on the other side of the island - I hid it of course, otherwise it would have been used for other purposes, With my cloak in full flow I can accommodate at a pinch about 4 others if you want to fly back to Southampton in style (whilst they stay below decks in a smelly fishing smack with an argentinian captain at the helm - God help them!!) Let me know, and if you see any of the others, and they want a first class ride home, I plan to go tonight after dark of course (I promise no stops on the way, although I might just drop Fat Lady Cook off at the Algarve - she did once cook me something special for my tea after all). In the mean time I'm going for a nap to conserve my strength for the long journey and stock up on fuel!!! Jac the Drac

JAC THE DRAC I know you have super hearing. I am somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, resting on BORIS'S back, and yes! it is Boris as I know your crocodile boots are fake. Please tell SASSY that the thought of the two of us alone on the Island drove me to the Ocean. The Island is hers with my compliments. Fat Lady (unemployed cook)

We fly at 9.00 pm I have partaken of a little light refreshment (notice no bats around now?) and I am empowered to fly right high and straight to Southampton, with no stops on the way - the poor dementen Fat Lady Cook will have to sail away with Colin the inflatable alligator (see - I told you he was a faux-croc (all the rage in Paris this year I hear!) Do you really need it spelling out Fat Cook? You are doomed if you think Colin will be able to take you safely to land. I personally repaired his punctures twice during the short voyage we had, and I know that when he was a stunt-croc in the making of Crocodile Dundee he was mortally injured many times. His days are numbered - why not join us and fly to civilisation (or at least Southampton!)? You and Madam Slut and Black Widow could set up home together, a sort of Bawdello (he he, vampire joke) entertaining all the very interesting personages who visit Southampton, some of which might be very rich, or perhaps you could set up an old slapper's home, for decrepit and aged slappers past their sell by date? anyway, reconsider please it would be a waste of your culinary expertise (or typing anyway) to sail into the wide blue yonder on a deflated blow up alligator called Colin. As regards Sassy Cook, I have heard nothing, so unless she is here by take off time I'm afraid she will have to stay here and fall out with herself! Check in time is 8.55 pm this evening, please ensure that your baggage is checked in 15 mins before departure time as the hold is not too large (me trousers actually!) Drinks will be served mid-journey (I anticipate being in Southampton around 12.00 midnight, but may have to detour to St Mary's Churchyard to see my uncle Albert, who I hear is coming out tonight). After that - home sweet home, warm bath, fish and chips and beddy byes! See you later (alligator?) Jac the Drac

LAST MINUTE APPEAL TO FAT COOK AND "FRIEND" I am at this minute, revving my internal engines for a flight of a life time! You are welcome to join Madam Slut and Black Widow and I (I will even de-tour to pick you up) and by midnight you could be on dry land. Please do not deflate Colin until the very last moment - I will swoop from a great height and pluck you (yes pluck - you heard) from the water but I will not have enough fuel to return for Colin. Say your farewells to him sometime about 9.30 pm and then just let him down, gently! It's time he went to the great inflatible alligator park in the sky, he has done his best (and God knows that wasnt much) and it's time that he went peacefully. Just be grateful that he never ended up as a pair of platform-soled £2.99's in Freeman Hardy and Willis. Let me know if you want to join us - I will be cutting it fine just detouring for you - your captain Jac the Drac

Alas Fair Lady - me puncture repair outfit went down with the Utopia, however, I have a friend who runs a rubber factory in Falmouth and he is always good for a few patches etc! I suggest that you and Black Widow get a few hours kip as it can be a very bumpy ride on a cloak, and I havent tested the inboard stereo for some time. The film for the trip could be either "Brides of Dracula" or perhaps "Mary Poppins" both films I have forgotten to take back to Video Masters!!! I rather prefer Mary Poppins, especially the bit where they fly around the chimneypots. If it's only 3 of us, then perhaps I can find a chip shop nearer than Southampton as I am desperate for a bag of chips with lots of vinegar!! See you later on passengers, when you will have the flight of your life. Jac the Drac. Now, where did I put that book on navigation???

ATTN! ALL THOSE WHOSE COMING ON BOARD, GET ON BOARD NOW PLEASE (INCLUDING DR. LONG LEGS WHO MIGHT BE USEFUL AS AEROFOIL IF THE WEATHER IS CHOPPY OVER THE BAY!) Slutty Jean - as the beg your pardon "largest passenger" you get on the end of the cloak please (the tail end charlie) Black Widow - as the one with the crown jewels, you get in the middle section please (I just hope the jewels are not too heavy, but c'est la vie) Dr Longlegs - you get up behind me, astride the cloak please, with legs ready to bend at a moments notice! That leaves enough room for Fat Lady Cook if we hear from her within the next few minutes (I fear she has lost her reason adrift in the ocean with only a slowly deflating alligator for company - I just hope she is not reduced to drinking alligator pee, as it has the most awful effect on the skin, not to mention the mind!) Once you confirm you are all on board safely, I will begin the accent! AND HOME HERE WE COME! JAC THE DRAC

ERR, IT MIGHT BE WISER TO HAVE ONE BEFORE WE GO, BUT NEVER MIND. WHERE ARE THE OTHERS, I HAVE BEEN REVVING MY INTERNAL ENGINE FOR AGES, SO THEY SHOULD BE HERE NOW! JAC THE DRAC

BLACK WIDOW - I FEAR THAT THE OTHER PASSENGERS HAVE DECIDED TO WAIT FOR A POSSIBLE RESCUE SHIP! ARE YOU STILL GAME FOR A FLIGHT OVER THE CONTINENTS, BACK TO CIVILISATION (OTHERWISE KNOWN AS SOUTHAMPTON)? I HAVE TO GO SOON OTHERWISE MY UNCLE WILL BE WONDERING WHERE I AM. JAC THE DRAC PS BRANDY IS IN THE INSIDE POCKET OF CLOAK - HELP YOURSELF!

Hold on then Slutty and Black Widow, some minor adjustments to make to the tail (me trousers actually, as the crown jewels are weighing a little heavy) Are you ready then? Deep breaths, and a good fart might not come amiss as we take off (no need to run Slutty Jean, I have enough aeronautical uplift to take us aloft) Goodbye Island of a 1000 dreams (all of them nightmares), goodbye Sassy Cook - doomed forever to talk to yourself, goodbye Fat Lady Cook - poor demented soul goodbeye, goodbye, goodbye Ladies and Gentlemen - we are now flying at 500 feet, and the wind velocity is 200 mph; we are on a heading for who knows where (as I didnt have time to read the book) but hey, the brandy is available (courtesy of Mel Gibson - I did a really good job there) and the inflight movie will start in a moment - I have decided on Mary Poppins as I like the bit in the chimneys - spoon ful of sugar makes the medicine go down, the medicine go dowwwwwwn the medicine go dowwwwwwn - all together now! Jac the Drac - next stop Southampton, or somewhere close!

Because Doctor Longlegs you stretched your leg - kindly keep them tucked in until I tell you!!! So far ladies and gentleman, the flight has been uneventful, (apart from a momentary detour, adjusted now and if the good Dr dares to move one muscle again, she will live to regret it!) I cannot hear the singing from the rear, but as I already know all the words to spoonful of sugar, it will not matter! If you look to your left ladies and gentlemen, you will see what I assume to be Fat Lady Cook, and "friend". Notice the struggling motions as the good lady tries to defend herself from the high waves and yes, I do believe I hear the Du Du Du Du Du Du Du Du of the great white sharks. I would avert your eyes ladies and gentlemen from the sight before you. If you looK to your right, you will see the coast of Africa, and yes, I do believe I sight an argentitian fishing smack (or is it the smell I am aware of?) Onboard are many of our shipmates and colleagues, all of whom left us for dead on that island with no food, and who didnt wake us up to tell us of the rescue boat! Should I call on the services of my friend Thor (the norse king of thunder) and ask him to deal with them? or should I be a kind Drac and merely ignore them and leave them to a 5 day journey smelling of fish, and listening to Huolio Inglasis? Drinks are available from the bar (cloak pocket) and Black Widow is in charge (could you please tie her down Madam Slut) as she is in danger of dropping off! JAC THE DRAC

lack Widow - you did not ask about toilet facilities when you booked this flight. I do hope you are not going to be difficult and insist that I stop en route to the centre of civilisation (Southampton) just to find a bog!!! If necessary, ask Dr to insert a catheter for a short time - at least that will keep her legs busy for a while (although I have always thought that hands would be more useful, but hey! in an emergency, who cares?) Jac the Drac

squak!! squak!!! squak!! squak!!! (circling round)

SQUAK!!! SQUAK!!!! SQUAK!!!!