General Chat

It is quite correct to say that birth parents (please, lets not forget the fathers here) are not allowed to pursue contact with their child. Also worth considering is that not everyone has a choice with regard to their child being dopted.

Correct me if Im wrong.Isnt there an agency perhaps the Salvation Army where both birth mother and child can register thier names as wanting contact. Is it possible to leave a letter with the agency to be delivered to the parent or child so thier feelings can be aired without physical contact if not wanted.Having something in writing may make a difference if not at present but in the future as circumstances can change.I have a neice and nephew adopted into our family one wanted contact the other was happy to leave things as they are.The nephew had contact blocked 20 years ago so hasnt pursued it any further but it would be a shame if there was a change of mind and nothing can be done. Margaret

Hi Margaret, yes you're right in that there are 'contact registers'. The GRO has one as does Norcap, the adoption charity, and it is well worth registering with these. The Salvation Army tracing service won't actually deal with adoptions. Paul, the law is changing so that birth parents can contact their children. There is information on the Norcap website, just add org to the name! I think in general, birth fathers tend to be forgotten because in so many cases they denied paternity which was what resulted in the adoption of a child. But of course there are different circumstances and I do understand what you're saying. Marjorie, you are quite right. But again, each set of circumstances is different and although I know that I was far better off being adopted, nothing can change what was said to me. And the fact that one child was kept and the other one was adopted ..... Thank you for your words of reassurance.

Not sure if I should be adding to this but I will:) Marjorie It's obviously never right for anyone to reject someone in that way but no-one can really judge an adoptee unless they are one as the emotions are fairly unique. However wonderful the families you grow up in are there is always the feeling that you were once rejected and this "primal wound" defies logic - however rationally you understand the circumstances and the reasons behind the decision to give you away and that it wasn't personal it's very hard not to feel it personally. It's the same feeling that drives many adoptees to seek out their birth families and to establish a feeling that they 'mattered'. So of course to go through something like Mandy has is earth shattering because it confirms all the insecurities that you've had inside for years. But it can also be hard to be accepted and welcomed - the answers aren't always there and it doesn't always put things into perspective. The range of emotions at making contact is so wide - from guilt becuase you want to do it in the first instant to elation because it all falls into place - but you can also suffer from a complete lack of emotion which can ironically be very hard to deal with. Some adoptees can reject their adoptive families because they feel they belong more with their birth families. But some reject their birth families because it is too difficult to deal with emotionally or because it gives a sense of closure - subconsciously they're getting control back by rejecting the rejector. That's enough from me but needed to say it :) David

Mandy - maybe you're right, but reading through this thread I see lots of references to "birth mothers" wanting to have contact... birth fathers are important to.

David Thankyou, you actually said what I was struggling to say! I do understand that a rejection from a birth parent strikes at some primeval part of you. However, this is not confined to children who have been adopted, my own, most respectably married mother told me many times she wished I had died at birth. And yes, it still hurts, even though I know the fault was hers, not mine. I think it all goes to show that human beings are not perfect. And that adoption, at least those which took place before the 70s, was a very flawed and cruel solution to what was really a MORAL problem, and yes, there was an element of punishment involved for the women unfortunate enough to be "caught" by a man not willing to follow them up the aisle. Liz I wonder if a personal approach to the "Home" authorities would help? (It seems very odd to me that they wont reveal the name of the father, if he was also a resident in the home - why not? Is his name not on the birth certificate? Or, was he perhaps a member of staff, in which case this smacks of a cover-up and I am fairly sure and appeal through a solicitor would quickly yeild the name of the father.) A friend, looking for his half-sister who had been adopted at birth, found himself in the office of the adoption authority - I wont say when and where, because I dont want anyone to get into trouble! After being severely lectured by the woman in charge and told that there was no way, under any circumstances that his sisters name could be revealed to him, she fixed him with a look and said "I have to leave the office now for exactly five minutes. Do not look at the papers on my desK" Bingo!

Margaret Have only just seen this thread. I knew nothing about my birth parents until one day I say my original name on my medical record. My Adopted parents refused to tell me anything. Eventuall, when I was 18 my adopted Mother told me what turned-out to be a number of half truths. I eventually found my birht Father, with lots of help from someone on here. Unfortunately he died in 1960 aged 39. Strangely, I have never felt any desire to find my birth Mother. Cannot explain why. Gerry