General Chat

Margaret Have only just seen this thread. I knew nothing about my birth parents until one day I say my original name on my medical record. My Adopted parents refused to tell me anything. Eventuall, when I was 18 my adopted Mother told me what turned-out to be a number of half truths. I eventually found my birht Father, with lots of help from someone on here. Unfortunately he died in 1960 aged 39. Strangely, I have never felt any desire to find my birth Mother. Cannot explain why. Gerry

David Thankyou, you actually said what I was struggling to say! I do understand that a rejection from a birth parent strikes at some primeval part of you. However, this is not confined to children who have been adopted, my own, most respectably married mother told me many times she wished I had died at birth. And yes, it still hurts, even though I know the fault was hers, not mine. I think it all goes to show that human beings are not perfect. And that adoption, at least those which took place before the 70s, was a very flawed and cruel solution to what was really a MORAL problem, and yes, there was an element of punishment involved for the women unfortunate enough to be "caught" by a man not willing to follow them up the aisle. Liz I wonder if a personal approach to the "Home" authorities would help? (It seems very odd to me that they wont reveal the name of the father, if he was also a resident in the home - why not? Is his name not on the birth certificate? Or, was he perhaps a member of staff, in which case this smacks of a cover-up and I am fairly sure and appeal through a solicitor would quickly yeild the name of the father.) A friend, looking for his half-sister who had been adopted at birth, found himself in the office of the adoption authority - I wont say when and where, because I dont want anyone to get into trouble! After being severely lectured by the woman in charge and told that there was no way, under any circumstances that his sisters name could be revealed to him, she fixed him with a look and said "I have to leave the office now for exactly five minutes. Do not look at the papers on my desK" Bingo!

Mandy - maybe you're right, but reading through this thread I see lots of references to "birth mothers" wanting to have contact... birth fathers are important to.

Not sure if I should be adding to this but I will:) Marjorie It's obviously never right for anyone to reject someone in that way but no-one can really judge an adoptee unless they are one as the emotions are fairly unique. However wonderful the families you grow up in are there is always the feeling that you were once rejected and this "primal wound" defies logic - however rationally you understand the circumstances and the reasons behind the decision to give you away and that it wasn't personal it's very hard not to feel it personally. It's the same feeling that drives many adoptees to seek out their birth families and to establish a feeling that they 'mattered'. So of course to go through something like Mandy has is earth shattering because it confirms all the insecurities that you've had inside for years. But it can also be hard to be accepted and welcomed - the answers aren't always there and it doesn't always put things into perspective. The range of emotions at making contact is so wide - from guilt becuase you want to do it in the first instant to elation because it all falls into place - but you can also suffer from a complete lack of emotion which can ironically be very hard to deal with. Some adoptees can reject their adoptive families because they feel they belong more with their birth families. But some reject their birth families because it is too difficult to deal with emotionally or because it gives a sense of closure - subconsciously they're getting control back by rejecting the rejector. That's enough from me but needed to say it :) David

Hi Margaret, yes you're right in that there are 'contact registers'. The GRO has one as does Norcap, the adoption charity, and it is well worth registering with these. The Salvation Army tracing service won't actually deal with adoptions. Paul, the law is changing so that birth parents can contact their children. There is information on the Norcap website, just add org to the name! I think in general, birth fathers tend to be forgotten because in so many cases they denied paternity which was what resulted in the adoption of a child. But of course there are different circumstances and I do understand what you're saying. Marjorie, you are quite right. But again, each set of circumstances is different and although I know that I was far better off being adopted, nothing can change what was said to me. And the fact that one child was kept and the other one was adopted ..... Thank you for your words of reassurance.

Correct me if Im wrong.Isnt there an agency perhaps the Salvation Army where both birth mother and child can register thier names as wanting contact. Is it possible to leave a letter with the agency to be delivered to the parent or child so thier feelings can be aired without physical contact if not wanted.Having something in writing may make a difference if not at present but in the future as circumstances can change.I have a neice and nephew adopted into our family one wanted contact the other was happy to leave things as they are.The nephew had contact blocked 20 years ago so hasnt pursued it any further but it would be a shame if there was a change of mind and nothing can be done. Margaret

It is quite correct to say that birth parents (please, lets not forget the fathers here) are not allowed to pursue contact with their child. Also worth considering is that not everyone has a choice with regard to their child being dopted.

Mandy, Just because your birth mother rejected you does not mean that it is your fault and that you are unloveable and not good enough. I do not know the circumstances that led to you being adopted, but can you not take comfort from the fact that she actually did the very best thing for YOU? Had she been persuaded to keep you, in a fit of maternal gush, for want of a better word, you might have had a terrrible childhood with a woman who did not want you, resented you, but was too weak to give you up? I see plenty of this around me in this day and age, women who have several children but really do not seem to like them very much and I often wonder why they didnt give them to someone who WOULD like them, and love them too. There are many reasons why your birth mother may not have wanted you, many of them very unpleasant (Im sure you can imagine) or she may just have not been at all maternal. I can understand your feeling of rejection, but please understand, those feelings are not generated by you, but by the circumstances which surrounded your birth. Anger is usually fear, and her angry and nasty response to you probably conceals a terrible fear that things best forgotten are going to be churned up. I do wish you well and hope that you can come to terms with the opinion of a woman who in fact has nothing to do with you, other than she gave birth to you.

Liz, will the sister divulge the name if he dies before her or seal it in an envelope to be held by a solicitor for another 50 years or something. It must be infuriating to know she holds the key and will not reveal it. In my case, I did not realise that my grandmother had not actually been married until after her death. I was told he had died of pneumonia while ny father was an infant. Bits and pieces have been added to the tale but now some major detective work is required. Question - If I do locate him can my father claim retrospective child maintenance for all the missing years from the estate? LOL Beth

Marjorie, I totally understand what you're saying and I do feel terribly sad for your friend. That's an awful way to be treated and I really can't understand anyone making the first move towards contact, then breaking it off. I fully appreciate that there are always two sides, and people behave in different ways. But it is still very difficult to understand why the person who gave birth to you can be so unkind - a simple 'no contact thank you' would suffice. I am left feeling 'not good enough'.

And now for MY pennorth. Birth Parents, as far as I am aware, are NOT allowed to pursue their children, who have been adopted "out". I am sure there must be many Birth Mothers out there, dying for their child to make contact, but officialdom will stop them every step of the way. And remember, love is a two-way thing - you speak of a birth mother saying "you were not wanted, go away" - what of the adopted child who meets a birth-parent and says "I hate you and want nothing to do with you, just tell me who my ancestors were". I mentioned on another thread, my friend whose daughter contacted her, only to lose interest and return to her adopted family, severing all contact with my friend. She left utter devastation behind her, not just my friend, but her other children too, and my friend is being denied access to her "only" grandchild - as she says, its punishment. Sorry, gone off on one there! But, there are two sides to every situation.

Can I shove my oar in? Oh alright then. Our adopted daughter, who came to us aged 9, was told the name of her birth father by her birth mother. Then birth mother told her that she wasn't actually sure he WAS the father. Remember, this was said to a 9-y-o. Our poor sweetheart now doesn't know for certain who her b/father is, and now being a teenager we can only imagine how she must feel. We love her dearly (most of the time!!), and are determined to do her a birth family tree to whatever extent, as well as her adoptive tree. I could go on, but won't! Mandy, we were advised that if our kids were teased about being "adopted", to tell them to reply "yes, but I've been CHOSEN". This has happened on a number of occasions, and the offending children haven't answered that! Just remember that, love. You were chosen. I know it may not make you feel better, but it's true. Glenys x

Margaret, if only my birth mother would read your message. I know that I am very much loved by my family and I was brought up by wonderful parents, but it's hard to take in the bitter words that I wasn't loved or wanted. Even worse to be threatened - unnecessarily - with legal action. But kind and thoughtful people like yourself on this site help greatly. Mandy PS Marion, my husband (affectionately I hope) calls me 'you stupid woman' in the style of Rene from Allo Allo :)

OPEN LETTER TO ALL BIRTH PARENTS Can you find it in your hearts to open the door to your children.They are pining to find blood relatives and there will always be a missing bit because you are not there.Some are 50 or 60 and still do not belong.There is no stigma today as in the old days.You are missing out on sons,daughters and grandchildren. PLEASE PLEASE. Get in touch either through official adoption channels or better still on the message board so we can all share in the joy of finding you. Warmest regards Margaret

but who'll be Uncle Albert ? Can I be Trigger ? lol

Margaret, I know what you mean. My mother's father is unknown. Her mother was in a children's home when she fell pregnant by another person in the home. I have traced records that describe her being 'caught' with this man and the record does name him. However we have been told that we are not able to be told his name for data protection reason! It IS very frustrating! Pat

Again, this time I side with Margaret, as to possibly the amount of ancestors that were sadly unknown. It is also disappointing that when there comes a notice saying X amount of names have been added to a name in your tree............only to find that,as Margaret says that they are "unknown" x's Bob

Although I have deleted my earlier reply, I am adding to it now with a new one! I missed the reply that has now been deleted so am totally confused (doesn't take much though!). However, from what I can see here, it seems that Margaret was making a thoughtful observation. In my humble opinion, I can't see any other reason for taking up genealogy as a hobby than to discover your roots. It's very frustrating when there are living people who could give you information but refuse to enable you to find out where you come from. I've got more and more interested in the whole genealogy thing over the last few months, but it is difficult when you can find long-dead ancestors so much easier than an 'unknown' and probably still alive relative. Thank you for your kind words Margaret. And Marion you are not a plonker, you can talk to me instead of yourself :) Mandy

Please, all, I think that what was implied in Joy's reply was that some people might come onto this site for company and conversation, not necessarily for genealogy. If I have put my foot in it, i apologize. ( is that with a z? or a 's') Bob

Yes, I did, Paul, a really, really senior moment. Thank you. Very tired. Goodnight. Joy