General Chat

You may remember only a few weeks back Rita, my Mum was 90. I am afraid that since then she has been going down hill gently. She seems to have lost the plot and is finding walking more and more difficult. I have bought walking aids for her,but it seems as if she cannot relate to anything new now. She cannot learn new tricks. It is quite depressing. Over the past thre nights I have been up at 2.30 am and 3.00am and have had to get her back into bed after falls. We have had the ambulance almost every day this last week. She is so frail now. She falls asleep mid sentence and yesterday I found her on the edge of her bed half dressed and sound asleep sitting up in the middle of putting her skirt on.It was round her knees The DSS say I am not entitled to the higher rate AA AS SHE DOES NOT NEED THE LOO AT NIGHT. She may not need the loo through the night,but I get her up and dressed ,breakfasted, settled comfortably in her chair before attending to myself. I clean for her, do her washing and ironing and shop for her. I get all of her meals and put her to bed at night. I am exhausted. I don't begrudge any of it. i JUST NEED TO SLEEP Rose

Lie & tell them she does need the loo at night, its your word against theirs. Were all here for you Rose, so if you need to offload we have plenty shoulders and ears... Elaine x

Rose, how on earth do they expect you to be able to manage all this, is there no other family memebers who can help you out a little?? xxxx

Rosemary, i'm so sorry to hear what you're going through,i wish i could offer you some advice but having never been in your situation i can't but i'll be here if you need to chat, sorry i couldn't be more helpful, Karen

Rose, can you not get any help from social services with caring for your mum? I admire how you are looking after your mum and agree it probably doesnt feel like a chore but you do need time to yourself too. I hope you manage to sort something out and get a bit more rest. Sheila x

Thanks I just needed to off load. I do manage,but I don't know how. The application form which I filled in for AA was all slanted towards incontinence. If they arn't incontinent then you don't stand a snowballs chance. Unfortunately if you do claim ,you have to support the claim with Dr recommendation and a Social Services Report Rose

My dear Rose, I really feel for you. My mother is 88 and going the same way. She lives on own her but it is a constant worry as she can no longer care for herself but refuses to go where she will be looked after and will not have anybody in to help. All I can say is get on to Social Services again and tell them you need help, not just monetary (although if you had that you could maybe get someone in to "Mum sit" for you for a few hours so you get some rest yourself). Rose, do whatever it takes to make the Social Services take notice and listen. I am thinking of you and if you need someone to talk to please get in touch. Jean x.

Steedie has beaten me to it Rose surely some other family member can take some of this load off you from time to time ,and give you a bit of respite?. I would do as suggested and lie about toilet needs,after all ,you have been paying into the system all your life ,and it's a disgrace you can't get the help when it's really needed. You must get some help or you will land up making yourself ill,ask the dhss what they intend to do when you collapse and they have another sick carer on their hands .Fred.ptfg.

Hi Rosemary, It's very difficult to get all the help that you need. When my Mum was going down hill rapidly with Motor Nurone we had to fight for everything despite the fact that she was fully diagnosed. Firstly, you have to get her GP to fight along with you and a social worker if possible because the DSS still need proof of what she can and cant do to be able to assess any payments you should be entitled to. It's a horrible time all round and so scary to watch someone you love deteriate. Take Care Sheila x

My problem is, I am an only child.Mum is a retired barrister and very very independent and will not have anyone else in the house,especially for the personal washing. To be perfectly honest I did not see her living to such a great age. The ambulance men did a cardiogramm and her heart is stout. I think I will hit the deck before she does. I have had a good talk today with a Keyworker from Social Services and plan to see my Dr tomorrow. She is so robust but I have had a heart attck at38 and a stroke at 48, I am now 64. I will try to get something sorted. Thanks for the chat Rose.

If she has had falls and the ambulance out try the tack that she needs assistance to prevent harm to herself.

cor rose, well then they need to understand that you shouldnt be allowed to have to deal with this on your own, they need to sort this out!! xxx

Hello Rosemary, What a struggle for you - no wonder you are exhausted. Surely Social Services can arrange for respite care for a couple of weeks while you catch up on some sleep. Without rest YOU are going to become ill - what would happen then?? Insist on it! Are they aware that she could wander at night without you being on constant watch? Perhaps your doctor could back your claim for AA with a statement about how having to cope for 24 hours a day is affecting YOUR health? Magsxx

All your suggestions are graet, I really will get something sorted . It was just that I have had broken nights that tipped me over the edge. Thaks everyone Rose

Judging by that last bit of typing it looks as if I'm suffering from dyslexia and I've got adenoids too. Rose

I have not yet had to deal with frail parent, but I do know that lack of sleep when I had my first baby was not only tiring and depressing, it also led me into nearly setting fire to the house! You must impress upon your GP that you can't cope alone for the sake of yourself and your mum. Good luck and let us know how its going. nell

Hi Rose, I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult time on your own ... and it was you who had the hard time with grandchild access recently wasn't it? I too am an only child, and when my dad was very ill in hospital a few years ago it was very exhausting. Of course I wouldn't want it any other way because he's my dad! but sometimes it would be nice to have someone else to take over for 24 hours so that you could get a good sleep. I hope that the replies on here are helpful and that you get some assistance sorted out, particularly as your own health could be at risk. But it's nice to see you still joking! Make sure you come on here any time you need friends and support, that's what we're here for. Let us know how you get on tomorrow. Love Mandy x

Rose, You have to look after yourself, or you won't be fit enough to look after her. It must be hard for you. I have just seen my best friend go through a similarish situation with his own mother, who since has sadly died. I hope you can get Respite help. Jim

Hi Rose, have a look at this website www(.)carersinformation(.)org(.)uk you should be able to find your local branch of the carers association - more friendly ears who know exactly what you are going through - and plenty of advice about benefits and help. You must explain to your mum that if you become ill, then you cannot look after her properly, therefore you need some help. Try and make her realise it is for her benefit as well as yours. We managed to persuade my dad to go to a residential nursing home for a 2 week respite period while we arranged all the home care for him. Just those few nights sleep really helped my mum to cope and he was fine - he was even able to have a shower which my mum had not been able to manage as she couldn't get him upstairs to the bathroom. Phone social services every day and really make a nuisance of yourself. Maz. XX

Rose Please give your local Age Concern a ring. They help to fill in all forms to claim for AA etc. They are really helpful and have lots of advice on benefits etc. I cared for my mum and I found it difficult to ask my brothers ans sisters to help as my mum only really trusted me. Her needs were physical and she did not want to go into a nursing home so it was very hard emotionally. The social services arranged meals on wheels and home carers but I still felt guilty that it was not me doing everything for her. You must get help and soon go to see your GP and tell them you are depressed and stressed and desperate for a rest, they can arrange respite for a couple of weeks for your mum, this will also give them time to assess her needs. If I can be of any help or support please email me. Kindest Regards Margaret