General Chat

After leaving home at 20 and marrying my first hubby and divorcing him two children later (10 yrs to be precise) and for reasons that are two personal to go into and the fact he was a dictator - I then met my second hubby and gained "freedom". We didn't marry for 6 yrs and two yrs ago we decided to tie the knot. For three of them yrs I have worked doing a job that I love but can't stand the conditions I work in (Not very good management) so I have decided to leave. My son from my first marriage has asked if me and his father will buy him his first car and the money he recieves in pocket money, wages and further studying grant he has started to bank for maintenance of the car. I have asked my second hubby to LEND ME my half of the money ( and granted - my son hasn't exactly been good friends with my second hubby and blamed me for ruining his childhood by leaving his dad) and he has refused. He says my son should buy his own car and that I can't have any of our money to put to this car. I have had problems at work which put the final nail in the coffin and made me decide to leave - and since sunday all my hubby has done is raise his voice to me like an adult would to a child. I am starting to feel so unhappy all the way around I am thinking of leaving everything and beggaring off completely. I am also starting to feel that my hubby sees me as a boarder in our home as he has said that whatever I decide to do that I still need an income to pay my half of the bills. We are not short of money and I thought that he would "keep me" (for want of better words) until I found another job. Is it me that is unreasonable in thinking that marriage is a give and take relationship and that you should support each other no matter what - or have we reversed back in time where the hubbys are the dictators and what they say goes?

Marriage is about give and take, I don't think you are the one being unreasonable at all. If you are financially secure of course you should have the freedom to find the job for you, I can't see why he won't support you in this. Maybe there are problems with his own work that he hasn't shared with you?

tracey sorry to hear all this you are suffering, i know how your feeling, give it time and stand up for what you want in the meantime, how old is your son, sounds like these men need kick up backside, stay strong and tell them to supposrt you or they best shut it, how many times have you been there for them , bet too many to count thinking of you

I think he should be supporting you while you look for a job. However, why is it imperative that teenagers have a car as soon as they can drive but before they can afford it. Maybe your husband feels that your son should wait until he can afford a car himself. I assume that he doesn't need a car because of lack of other transport. Don't let your son blackmail you into buying half a car because you feel guilty at leaving his father. and try not to let your son's problems split up you and your husband with whom, until now, you have been happy. You and he need to talk about why he is acting as he is. Does he feel you are putting your son before him. Sorry that you are unhappy but I am sure you can find a solution. Ann Glos

Tracey So sorry to hear of your troubles. So you are expected to pay half of the bills, did he and does he do half of the chores? If that is his attitude I would charge him housekeepers rate for the housework, shopping etc. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership give and take which does not mean one person doing all the giving and the other doing the taking. What therefore would happen if you were too sick to work anymore would he turn you out? I think son should not blackmail you into paying for the car, you had a right to a life and bore the dictatorship of your first husband for long enough. I wish you well and hope the situation can be resolved, stand firm and DO NOT LET HUBBY OR SON BULLY YOU. bEST WISHES pAT

I'm sorry Tracy. It seems your husband is not treating you as his equal, and that's not right. As for refusing to lend you money that takes the biscuit (surely half of it is yours anyway!). Think through what you want before you do anything rash. Sometimes it's best to sit through a bad patch before you can think what to do. Best wishes Jacquie

Marriage should be about give and take!! Your husband should understand that u are unhappy in present job and keep you until such times as you get a new job!!! As for your son a car is a huge expense and I think if he wants what I call a luxury he should get it himself - even if it is a banger - got to start somewhere!! Hope all gets better!!! lol xx

Tracey have e-mailed you Sue

Hi Tracy, I am really sorry that you are unhappy and having a bad time. I know that there are those that will not agree with me but please do not let you son ruin what you have with your husband. There is an old saying that comes to mind. "A son is a son until he takes a wife!" "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life" We have two sons both spoilt rotten both are studying in University. They don't drink, smoke or take drugs! The day one of them puts a foot wrong, all priviledges will be cut and they will be out on their ears looking for jobs. We have sacrificed a lot to give them a better education which included private schools. Hubby and I have always been very open with them and have nurtured their dreams and goals in life. We have done our bit for our boys but I shall never let them use any form of blackmail to get what they want. I sincerely hope that you find an amicable solution! ((Hugs)) Lindy

Tracy, I cannot add to the advice you have been given, I think there is very good and sound stuff here, so I will not attempt to add to it. But I just want to wish you all the very best and hope you can sort it as soon as possible for your own well being. Take Care of YOURSELF. Hope you are much happier Soon. Pat x

Don't think the real issue is between your husband and self but rather the relationship between your husband and son. What puzzles me is that your son is saving a student grant towards maintenance? Knowing students - they use every penny and more never mind saving. Your husband probably feels that both you and he have had a lot of stick from your son re breakup of first marriage and that your son is pressurising you - emotional blackmail in other words. Don't let this become an issue between you and your husband - he is probably saying a lot of things he wouldn't normally say - re paying your way. I think he feels hurt for both of you. Never give in to blackmail no matter who is using it. Ann

Thank you all for your kind regards and advice - My son is 17 in april and the idea was to allow him the car to drive in between driving lessons - as he is having his driving licence for his birthday along with a block of driving lessons - he lived with his dad when we split up (his choice) and dad was so bitter that he poisoned my sons mind - I never paid maintenance towards my son as I had my daughter - it was an agreement thro' the court but we both decided to pay the children pocket money so that they didn't miss out. The relationship between my son and myself has improved slightly throughout the last two years. I can hear you all thinking why is she upset at the car when her son is only 16. The car is a corsa on an N plate - has full service history, only 51,000 miles on the clock and is for sale for the sum of £1275. His dad was to pay £675, pay one years insurance and the tax when it expires. With regard to work issues I quit today as I couldn't take anymore of the boss picking on me for nothing and I mean literally nothing - not once but twice. This has been going on for weeks and today I just snapped. I rang hubby and told him what I'd done and he just said "right ok" - since he has come home he hasn't said a word about it - only that I had done right at last - with regard to money issues I know that we are ok financially and that we have the money. He says that no - one bought his first car and that kids of today appreciate things more when they buy things themselves. Maybe he is right I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!

tracy you need some me time.just get away for a week and discover who you are again.sometimes we all feel like that me for one feels sometimes that i am just a wife and mother and nothing else.why not get a friend to go with you and discover life and you again.have a few drinks and a laugh.love and hugsxxxxx(:

tracey glad you chucked your job, youll start to feel more confident as the days go by, it must have dragged you down with a boss like that. as for your hubby and son , you still have my sympathy. our daughter is 18 and hubby and i have argued more about her than we have our son, mainly because they , hubby and daughter know how to use me as piggy in middle. he says one thing and she says next, i even get txt messages from him in work and her at boyfriends, so i just send his to her and hers to him, that soon stopped them. i often tell them i they speak same language so dont need me to translate for them. drives you mad, we had same dilema about car and was going to attempt birthday pessie but a cheeper car, she was happy with that, thanks to my dad and the fact if he can hell help us kids , he helped with purchase of car . i hope this all gets sorted out for you soon thinking of you, ask son if he can wait till hes 17

Hi Tracy, I do symperthise with you, 1st off you did the right thing getting out of a job that makes you unhappy, the next problem, about your son is a tough one, my son is from a broken home as they call it, I did help him with his driving lessons, and had him put on my insurance, mistake number one, within a couple of months the car was pranged...so I told him he had to buy it off me and I got another one, he never asked me to buy him a car and if he had I would have told him the lessons and test was enough, it might be the right time to let him know that. I also have had some probs with son and new hubby, most time I keep quiet, but the one day I just exploded and told them both that if they loved me they would not behave like kids, I told them to learn to talk not bicker like kids or I would bang their heads together, they both looked sheepish and said they were sorry, my step daughter was there and nearly wet herself laughing, as this time it was her dad and not her getting the roasting, so as others have suggested try talking to both of them and let them both know that you feel like piggy in the middle that you love them both but this situation has to stop as you are nearing braking point. Bev

If you are expected to buy your son a car, will your second child expect the same at 17? That then commits you to financing two cars. Explain to your son why this is not financially possible at the moment as you are without a job. As for your husband, I would quietly remind him that he may one day be in your position with his job, would he expect you to keep him?

I won't try and give any advice on marriage, because I'm no expert. However, I'd like to give my two pennorth on the car issue, if I may. When I was 17 (not too long ago), my parents could only afford to give me one driving lesson for my birthday. I had to pay for the rest myself - it meant me working 2 evenings a week and weekends, in between juggling around schoolwork for my A levels. I couldn't afford a car, neither could my parents. As I wanted to be independent, I bought myself a second hand moped, which I used until I could afford a car. I worked 2 summers in a building site to save up enough. What you have to bear in mind is not just buying the car, tax and insurance - young lads like to drive around a lot, to impress. This costs money, also older cars need more maintenance. If you put a rough estimate together of ALL costs, including annual fuel costs etc, or better still, ask your son to, and then tally up his income. He could come up with some ideas of his own how to finance it. Or put off the idea for a while. It worked for me and set me in good stead for later. Just a suggestion. D

Ok .............. ok ................ ok ................ I hear you all and thank you very very much - had word with son and he has accepted the fact I am without a job and cannot afford it. Hubby has kept quiet and not said another word about it - tension now eased at home and more importantly I have been offered a partnership with my friend doing garden maintenance - just refining all the final details - 2day I smiled for the first time in a long time (and meant it) - I didn't get to sleep while 3 am this morning after yesterdays episode with boss. Today I am tired but I now have something to look forward to. So I sincerely thankyou all. Lots of love to all T J

Tracy I am pleased for you and hope all works out well now. Remember you have people who can at least be here for you. Take Care and hugs ((((0))))to you. Pat x

I'm going to throw my bit in even though I think you know what you're doing. I am young(ish) (turned 22 on Monday) and have been in a relatively similar situation as your son. What he now may deem as acceptable and what he deserves, in the future he will not. Right now he wants what he needs (he's a young man, most of his friends have cars etc) even though he doesn't really need a car. He just wants one. Bear in mind that if you refuse him he will be angry and resentful but in the long run he will understand that you love him and have supported him. Sometimes at 17 it seems like the whole world is against you, he will learn in due time. He is very lucky to have you as a mum!