General Chat

That look on Allan's face was not one of excitement, but of horror.

He'd only ever eaten pizza twice; the first time was on the family arrival in Perth back in 1982. They'd journeyed to Australia to join the rest of his family.

The plane didn't touch down until one in the morning and after customs and immigration all they wanted to do was sleep.

But his brother had other ideas and had prepared a veritable feast.....of pizzas.

That was the first and almost the last time he had had one. The final time was last year and it was only through good manners that Allan accepted a slice.

Fortunately he was fond of Chinese cuisine and so decided the remain on the junk until other opportunities presented themselves

However the crew were delighted with the pizzas and vowed to try making them onboArd.

How they could do this without an oven is anyone’s guess.

Undaunted and ever resourceful, the cook prepared a huge pan of noodles.

Next he pressed them into the base of various tin cans and buckets, as moulds, then turned them out on the deck to bake in the sun.

Would this work for a pizza base, he wondered?

He wondered alone as Allan had already appropriated the extremely large wok used to cook the more normal cuisine and was now paddling after his wife.

He was helped in this venture by the friendly mermaid who had attached several seahorses to the front of the wok (how DO you tell the front of a wok from the back? It's a bit like being between a wok and a hard place)

Allan was now racing over the water faster than Charlton Heston careened around the Colosseum

Allan scooped up OH in his manly arms, and pulled her into the gigantic wok.

The seahorses sure had some horse-power and were crashing through the waves, leaving a trail of foam behind them.

Allan could see land ahead, and gee'd the horses on in that direction.

A tropical island lay right ahead......

There might even be coconuts there, but first he had to reach the shore.

All was going well. OH was tolerating being skimmed across the waves, when Allan suddenly felt something grab at his ankle.

Twas the pseudo mermaid. She was a pretty girl, thought Allan. OH was not best pleased, and decided to rummage in the capacious bag, presumably for a mallet!

The 'mermaid' told them her name was Miranda. Allan thought that sounded familiar but could not place it.

Allan 'mushed' the sea-horses to make them go faster towards land.

As they neared, all three could see a crashed aeroplane on the beach. ....

With penguins all around it and they spoke with very prim British accents......

'I say old bean, where have your come from' said the bloke with the monocle to Allan. We have been here for absolutely ages, a week at least. Bally kite let us down, last time I let Creighton fly the damn thing.'


Allan blinked, was this fella speaking the Queens English, or had be escaped from a 1950's Ealing Comedy?


Allan decided he was the man for the job, to take charge of the motley crew....

They didn't look like Jack Sparrow's crew from the 'Black Pearl' nor the rock band with a similar sounding name from the eighties.

Just at that moment the man with the monocle put another monocle over his other eye and made a real spectacle of himself.

'Why are you all dressed like penguins?, enquired Allan.

' We're Masons!' came the emphatic reply, 'We are, or were, travelling back from the Grand Installation'

'Which Constitution?' asked Allan, hoping to gain some idea of where the were

Allan surveyed the scene and noticed a few of the others were collecting rocks from the shore.

'Ghastly do, old bean' said the fellow with two monocles 'when I say Masons, I mean stone masons, we were putting an installation together in one of the islands in the Pacific. Something began to splutter in the engine, and blow me down, we landed here. Bit of a rough ride, must say, but we are top hole in the circumstances. Time for light refreshment, me thinks'

No sooner than the words were uttered, Creighton appeared with a silver salver, and four crystal glasses with Pink Gins slopping about inside.

'Chin, chin, old bean' said the Head Penguin who introduced himself as Mr King.

If they were in the Pacific, at least they were getting closer to Australia and their local travel agent.

But where in the Pacific?

Just at that moment an ancient Japanese soldier hobbled slowly out of the undergrowth shouting 'Bonsai'

This was a vowel churning moment which left every one stunned, including the left over soldier from the war who had run straight into a rock

The soldier was stunned for a moment, but gallantly showed them all his Bonsai tree. It was very cleverly trained into the shape of a geisha girl, with the foliage as her hair.

'By jingo' thought Allan 'all we need now is a white rabbit and we will have a full set'

The Pink Gins were beginning to do their worst, combined with the heat, Allan saw a strange figure coming towards him

It was the KRAKEN

Allan recoiled as he remembered Tennyson's poem:


Below the thunders of the upper deep,
Far far beneath in the abysmal sea,
His ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep
The Kraken sleepeth: faintest sunlights flee
About his shadowy sides: above him swell
Huge sponges of millennial growth and height;
And far away into the sickly light,
From many a wondrous grot and secret cell
Unnumbered and enormous polypi
Winnow with giant fins the slumbering green.
There hath he lain for ages and will lie
Battening upon huge seaworms in his sleep,
Until the latter fire shall heat the deep;
Then once by men and angels to be seen,
In roaring he shall rise and on the surface die

What the h*ll to do?

Well for a start Allan went to search out some clean underwear

As luck would have it Allan found a washing line strung up along the beach with some very interesting underwear on it....more big girls bloomers though than thongs.....how desperate is Allan for clean underwear???

Extremely desperate.

Allan surveyed the various items of clothing as the sun was setting, and as he didn't fancy just a thong at twilight he decided on the big girl's bloomers. He also helped himself to a big girl's blouse.

Feeling much more comfortable he made his way back to the group

'PERVERT' his wife screamed at him when she saw his attire.

Allan sighed deeply and thought to himself, the Kraken Wakes

Allan then thought deeply, maybe it was the Pink gins talking she could never handle her drink at the best of times.......oh no hang on what are they doing......why they're playing some kind of board games....OH is cheering and jumping for joy....why it's Scrabble and she's just made a 7 letter letter word....well they are Masons and Scrabble uses tiles close enough??

Allan looked at the tiles he'd been given.....XYQKLPV.....typical!! What to do....

Allan quickly decided that these Masons were a few slates short of a roof so he returned the tiles with a few suggestions about where they could stick them.

This was necessary to ensure that the roof would be weatherproof when the rainy season started, for which season Allan was not going to be around to enjoy.

He had already hatched a cunning plan in that fertile imagination of his for escaping from this place

Now all he needed were some supplies but it's not like he'd find a 24 hour superstore anywhere nearby would he?.........

...and there will be a coffee shop on the opposite corner to the superstore ;-)