Genealogy Chat

Thank you Sue. You are correct.......you have to do what you feel is right , when the time is right. The trouble is in my case ...........It's been taken out of my hands, I have been forced into a decision! Thanks for your kind offer of an e-mail. Ann x

No probs at all Ann, good luck! It's a tricky one, but i'm sure they'll understand your reluctance to tell them when you do eventually pluck up the courage!

Helen There is a message board on the GRO site for Adoptees or birth parents wishing to find their children. You could leave your name there. Good luck with your decision. Ann x

Thanks, for the words of support Helen. Also thanks for letting me Hijack your thread..............more guilt! Ann xxxxxxxx

You are not guilty of anything Ann! Going to slap you! jess x

Ok Jess!! LOL Thanks for your help.................I am trying NOT to feel guilty. Ann xx

Hi Helen, I am in a similar position as you, no names, no family connection, nothing at all to go only birth mother(deceased) & a few remaining family that wont share what they know, I have tried incredibly hard for the last 12 months & got basically-NOWHERE!! However I wish you all the luck & please dont hesitate to pm me as you are just starting & it can be a little dis-heartening at times.

Hi Ann, How are yoou :O) listen I would come clean with your family and take the weight of your shoulders, at the end of the day your adoptive parents were 'your parents' and they are your childrens 'grandparents' nothing will change that. I was about 30 when it all came out for me, and my family where brilliant about it just accepting they now had a more extended family now :O)) nothing has changed abouthow they feel about me or any of their family members, they just have more of them now ;O) so please, please do not feel bad about this, or put yourself through all this doubt, I am sure they will a lot more undestanding than you give them credit for (feel free to e.mail me direct also if you like). Take Care for now x Helen, I would try contact your SS, although this is not your direct case, the position of a lot of socitys is constantly changeing. In July 2001 a woman by the name of Linda Gunn-Russo tooke Nugents to court, as they would not allow her access to her records, in December 2005 the law changes to enable socities to help adoptees and birth parents trace each other, and I must admit Nugents were very helpful now to me, so you never know what is around the corner, jsut try contacting them and see if they can help, or make a note of your interest in tracing your fathers natural family. I wish you the best of Luck in your search. Sheila

Thanks for the words of support Sheila. Today, Last night seems like a bad dream. I Have e-mailed you direct. Regards Ann x

HI HELEN JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU LUCK WITH YOUR SEARCH,PLEASE KEEP US INFORMED ON YOUR PROGGRESS HI ANN ALSO GOOD LUCK IN ALL YOU DECIDE TO DO WHEN I MET MY HUBBY I FOUND IT VERY HARD TO TELL HIM THAT I WAS ADOPTED I HAD THIS FEELING THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT ME CUS I WAS ADOPTED HOW WRONG I WAS WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 19YRS THIS YEAR.I ALSO FELT THAT WHEN MY GIRLS WERE OLD ENOUGH THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT I WAS ADOPTED,BUT THAT WAS MY PERSONAL CHOICE AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU THINK IS WRIGHT FOR YOU LOTS OF HUGS BACARDI XXX

Helen We adoptees get so many different responses to our 'condition'. At school there were at least four other adoptees in my class of 28, and another one who was a close friend who never told me she was adopted - I made absolutely no secret about it for myself so she had plenty of opportunity to talk about it - I found out by chance when looking in the register of adopted children in London. I was born in 1944 and there are a lot of us about from WW2. A 'new' close friend when I went to college in the early sixties, dropped me like I had some contagious illness when I mentioned it. That did hurt a bit. My first parents-in-law were very 'off' about it, and insisted that their daughters (my sisters-in-law and only a year or so younger than I)should no nothing about it. My now 'ex' too, was not keen on helping me search, although he did drive me places as I could not drive at the time. My second husband, to whom I have now been married for 28 years, had absolutely no problem with it, actively helped, and happily had my b/mother and family to our house, and helped me reunite her with previous children she had lost to divorce when she had me. My five children -two from previous, now in their thirties, and three from current in their early and mid twenties- also have no bother with me producing extra aunts uncles and cousins etc from time to time. I guess all I am saying is that life is never simple, never black and white. No-one can make the rules for any of us, as we have no idea what reactions we will get even from those very close to us. You just have to go with what you feel, but also be prepared for some odd reactions. Sadly some people feel very wobbly when they find out they are not who they thought they were. So for example a now very dear half bro. of mine who turned up out of the blue some years ago - b/m had never mentioned him - was very shaken to find out that he was not the 'one innocent mistake of a young girl', but actually the sixth child of our mother, three in wedlock and him being the third out of wedlock. There were also two more after him. He had to readjust his view of himself, and he had not had a happy adoption either....... No maps, and no instructions...... Best wishes Eileen

helen ,, have you tried after adoption , they are very good and very easy to talk to and are really understanding on the whole cirlcle of adoption, you have to do what you and you alone feels right for you and dont let anyone try and put you off in any way and when you find out the infomation you wanted you can then decided what if and when to tell your children, it is not an easy road to go down you will most probly hit so many brick walls along the way but if your like me you,ll just keep knocking them down and carry on, i,m sure you will get there in the end,, i wish you loads of luck in your search, if i can be of any help please pm me , i have experience in searching for people both adopted and lost reletives and have had some great results latley,, take care x

WOW! Thankyou all so much. What a fantastic response. You have all been very helpful, supportive and positive. I intend to contact the social work dept on Tuesday and see what happens. Having had several private messages, I realise that I haven't actually mentioned in the thread that i'm in Edinburgh. And a couple of people have told me that this could make a big difference with respect to how records are dealt with. To be honest, it wasn't something I had even considered. If anyone has a particular experience in this regard I would appreciate your thoughts! Thankyou all again for your kind wishes and I will let you all know how I get on, if any progress is made! :-)

Like Helen I would like to thank everyone for the messages + support. It has really helped me. Eileen, I know what you mean about peoples attitude towards adoption. I have a friend (who doesn't know about my adoption)whose husband has an adopted sister. She often says 'of course SHE is not really one of the family because she was adopted' ! Sometimes I feel like giving her a piece of my mind ...........but it just shows how some people think! Luckily ALL my adopted family treated me NO different to any of my cousins:) I was born in the 1940's too Eileen, but it goes to show that even nowadays some folks have strange views on adoption. Good luck with your search Helen + thanks to you for letting me *butt in * :) Regards Ann.

Hi Helen As your in Scotland and the adoption laws differ to England and Wales you should check out the website www.birthlink.org.uk I hear they are wonderful and they will help you if they are allowed to. Good luck with your search :-) Cheers Gerry

hi all, i've just being reading some of your stories, and i'd just like to say ,my sister adopted a little girl nearly 40 yrs ago now and do you know since the day my sister brought her home she was my sisters daughter and my niece we've never thought of her as being adopted she's grown into a lovely woman married with children of her own. i surpose what i'm trying to say is that we dont ever think of her as [adopted daughter or niece ] hazel.

Hi Helen, I wish you success with whatever decision you decide to make about contact. I have been extremely lucky,My Mother was Adopted as a tiny baby in 1921. Last year I found her Sister and she was so pleased that I had contacted her,I only got to know her for 8 months as she died in March this year, but it was so worth it. My Aunt stayed with her Mother and my Mother went to a lovely Lady my other Grandma who could not have children of her own. My Mother's birth family suffered the effects of the 1st World War and because of that the family were split up. Its not always the case of somone just giving up a child for the hell of it, its often caused by very sad circumstances. I also know very well what you mean about finding where you come from it is important. My Family have been so supportive of my quest and I have some new rellies who have excepted me without question I wish you sincere Good Luck Ellen

AWWW Hazel............I just had to reply to your message. How lovely, Why can't everyone think like that? Bless you Regards ,Ann xx

Hi Helen Hope this isnt too late. My dad was also adopted but at age 6 in 1937. I went down to London and searched through the records myself (in 1999 as my local records office wouldnt give me details back then because of data protection act) Most towns now have a archive center (Nottingham does) where all birth deaths marriages and adoptions are available to view free of charge on Fiche files. (although it wont be the actual certificate just the entry you can get on here etc) Please feel free to email me [email protected] and I will be able to go into more detail into how to trace your paternal grandparents (its hard work but worth it lol) Angie

Margaret, a re-adoption raises interesting issues. Obviously this was many years ago, and things may have changed - the same thing happened to my half-bro, also many years ago. If it is - or was - possible to un-adopt a child, how is it that if a child wants to find its birth parents (when adult) thereby possibly wanting to have itself 'unadopted' that this is not allowed? This is obviously a sort of rhetorical question as it is unlikely that you would know the answer, and neither do I, but there are so many people on here with so many experiences, that someone may know. Please no-one think that anyone who wants to find their birth-parents does so because they want to be 'unadopted' , this is not what I mean at all. It just seems odd that if adoption was meant to be 'for life', and that an adopted child was supposed to be exactly the same as a birth child even to inheritance etc, how come 'parents' could change their minds after a full adoption had taken place. After all, an adoption is actually a far more positive decision to have a child, than often getting pregnant is. You do not need the Law to get pregnant - although some people would not 'pass the exam'. Margaret you must not think that you are a 'reject' sadly as we all know there are people who cannot cope with their children, and in your case they would most likely have not been any better at coping with their own birth child - I wonder if they would have given it for adoption had they had one born to them. Eileen