General Chat

Dont you think its sad the number of people looking for unknown fathers or birth mothers.The desire to know your roots is the reason we are all on here so it must be heart breaking for those who do not have a fathers name etc. Margaret

I was just about to add that Joy was a bit harsh, but found she had deleted. Joy said that she wasnt interested in finding out about her roots. So why is she here?

Made a mistake, Marion, so deleted it ... but not quickly enough! my apologies. Joy

Shame Joy deleted her post, this doesn't make sense now lol

I said I made a mistake, and I have apologised. Regrettably I did not delete my mistake quickly enough. I did not intend to post it. I am sorry for making Marion look a plonker. Joy

I would dearly have loved to know who my grandfather was - or my great grandfather - it may have explained where the haemophelia in the family came from .

Joy - you mean you typed something accidentally ? lol Paul (Devils advocate)

Yes, I did, Paul, a really, really senior moment. Thank you. Very tired. Goodnight. Joy

Please, all, I think that what was implied in Joy's reply was that some people might come onto this site for company and conversation, not necessarily for genealogy. If I have put my foot in it, i apologize. ( is that with a z? or a 's') Bob

Although I have deleted my earlier reply, I am adding to it now with a new one! I missed the reply that has now been deleted so am totally confused (doesn't take much though!). However, from what I can see here, it seems that Margaret was making a thoughtful observation. In my humble opinion, I can't see any other reason for taking up genealogy as a hobby than to discover your roots. It's very frustrating when there are living people who could give you information but refuse to enable you to find out where you come from. I've got more and more interested in the whole genealogy thing over the last few months, but it is difficult when you can find long-dead ancestors so much easier than an 'unknown' and probably still alive relative. Thank you for your kind words Margaret. And Marion you are not a plonker, you can talk to me instead of yourself :) Mandy

Again, this time I side with Margaret, as to possibly the amount of ancestors that were sadly unknown. It is also disappointing that when there comes a notice saying X amount of names have been added to a name in your tree............only to find that,as Margaret says that they are "unknown" x's Bob

Margaret, I know what you mean. My mother's father is unknown. Her mother was in a children's home when she fell pregnant by another person in the home. I have traced records that describe her being 'caught' with this man and the record does name him. However we have been told that we are not able to be told his name for data protection reason! It IS very frustrating! Pat

but who'll be Uncle Albert ? Can I be Trigger ? lol

OPEN LETTER TO ALL BIRTH PARENTS Can you find it in your hearts to open the door to your children.They are pining to find blood relatives and there will always be a missing bit because you are not there.Some are 50 or 60 and still do not belong.There is no stigma today as in the old days.You are missing out on sons,daughters and grandchildren. PLEASE PLEASE. Get in touch either through official adoption channels or better still on the message board so we can all share in the joy of finding you. Warmest regards Margaret

Margaret, if only my birth mother would read your message. I know that I am very much loved by my family and I was brought up by wonderful parents, but it's hard to take in the bitter words that I wasn't loved or wanted. Even worse to be threatened - unnecessarily - with legal action. But kind and thoughtful people like yourself on this site help greatly. Mandy PS Marion, my husband (affectionately I hope) calls me 'you stupid woman' in the style of Rene from Allo Allo :)

Can I shove my oar in? Oh alright then. Our adopted daughter, who came to us aged 9, was told the name of her birth father by her birth mother. Then birth mother told her that she wasn't actually sure he WAS the father. Remember, this was said to a 9-y-o. Our poor sweetheart now doesn't know for certain who her b/father is, and now being a teenager we can only imagine how she must feel. We love her dearly (most of the time!!), and are determined to do her a birth family tree to whatever extent, as well as her adoptive tree. I could go on, but won't! Mandy, we were advised that if our kids were teased about being "adopted", to tell them to reply "yes, but I've been CHOSEN". This has happened on a number of occasions, and the offending children haven't answered that! Just remember that, love. You were chosen. I know it may not make you feel better, but it's true. Glenys x

And now for MY pennorth. Birth Parents, as far as I am aware, are NOT allowed to pursue their children, who have been adopted "out". I am sure there must be many Birth Mothers out there, dying for their child to make contact, but officialdom will stop them every step of the way. And remember, love is a two-way thing - you speak of a birth mother saying "you were not wanted, go away" - what of the adopted child who meets a birth-parent and says "I hate you and want nothing to do with you, just tell me who my ancestors were". I mentioned on another thread, my friend whose daughter contacted her, only to lose interest and return to her adopted family, severing all contact with my friend. She left utter devastation behind her, not just my friend, but her other children too, and my friend is being denied access to her "only" grandchild - as she says, its punishment. Sorry, gone off on one there! But, there are two sides to every situation.

Marjorie, I totally understand what you're saying and I do feel terribly sad for your friend. That's an awful way to be treated and I really can't understand anyone making the first move towards contact, then breaking it off. I fully appreciate that there are always two sides, and people behave in different ways. But it is still very difficult to understand why the person who gave birth to you can be so unkind - a simple 'no contact thank you' would suffice. I am left feeling 'not good enough'.

Liz, will the sister divulge the name if he dies before her or seal it in an envelope to be held by a solicitor for another 50 years or something. It must be infuriating to know she holds the key and will not reveal it. In my case, I did not realise that my grandmother had not actually been married until after her death. I was told he had died of pneumonia while ny father was an infant. Bits and pieces have been added to the tale but now some major detective work is required. Question - If I do locate him can my father claim retrospective child maintenance for all the missing years from the estate? LOL Beth

Mandy, Just because your birth mother rejected you does not mean that it is your fault and that you are unloveable and not good enough. I do not know the circumstances that led to you being adopted, but can you not take comfort from the fact that she actually did the very best thing for YOU? Had she been persuaded to keep you, in a fit of maternal gush, for want of a better word, you might have had a terrrible childhood with a woman who did not want you, resented you, but was too weak to give you up? I see plenty of this around me in this day and age, women who have several children but really do not seem to like them very much and I often wonder why they didnt give them to someone who WOULD like them, and love them too. There are many reasons why your birth mother may not have wanted you, many of them very unpleasant (Im sure you can imagine) or she may just have not been at all maternal. I can understand your feeling of rejection, but please understand, those feelings are not generated by you, but by the circumstances which surrounded your birth. Anger is usually fear, and her angry and nasty response to you probably conceals a terrible fear that things best forgotten are going to be churned up. I do wish you well and hope that you can come to terms with the opinion of a woman who in fact has nothing to do with you, other than she gave birth to you.