General Chat

Many years ago ,I was at a relative's house over xmas.we had gone to 3xchange gifts etc.My little brother was about 6 and was given some sweets but didn't say thank you.
My relative said, haven't you read the book of Manners at school yet?
No,I don't think so he replied!Well it's about time you did they told him.

I personally think from my recent experiences over the last 5 years that manners and courtesy have almost dissapeared in every way.

I think it's about time that schools taught more on socially acceptable behaviour,good manners thank you & please etc.

When children are very young we do teach them well but once they go on to secondary education things change.
We teach many subjects,some are pretty standard but I think teaching pupils how to handle life situations at work and in general would benefit all of them hugely.
When we are calling s company to order,cancel,make s complaint,it's abundantly clear to me,the person dealing with you has no skills whatsoever in communication,empathy etc.
When you leave school say at 17 and enter the workforce let's say a bank or the post office.They train you how to process things like wages,deposits,order currency for a holiday but not how to treat the customers.Role playing at school in different situations would really help pupils to develop skills for life.

Maybe I'm from a different generation(I was a 60
s baby)but I was brought up to treat people the way I would expect to be treated.
So how and where has this broken down in society!

I almost feel that if I make a complaint that I shouldn't and just move on.

Anyone else feel like this!
Florence in the Hebrides

Wish my O H did. He phoned the council to say one of our recycling bins hadn’t been emptied. At least that was the plan. He went mad - I expect there is now a black mark against our name. Completely unnecessary, they’ve always been polite, as I have been, whenever I’ve rung.

He didn’t like me telling him he was wrong to sound off at them so now there is no sound in our house.

I once asked my grand daughter aged about 5 where her manners had gone. Quick

as a flash she replied “ they’ve gone on holiday” :-D

That said she’s grown up with good manners so no problem.

IMHO manners are taught by example.

I agree. Personal skills/manners should be taught in schools, and if not certainly by employers.
We have found ourselves in the position where my husband is no longer able to manage our financial affairs. This has meant a lot of form filling, visits to banks and phone calls.
The staff in the banks were excellent but when it came to phone calls things were not always good
On one call the girl insisted she could only speak to my husband and just kept repeating questions to him in a very hectoring way, speaking very quickly and loudly and was very impatient when he got confused.
On another one the girl asked me the questions, asked me to repeat them to my husband, and for him to give her the answer.. She was marvellous and spent a long time on the phone explaining things to me
With an ageing population, and more and more banking etc done online as branches close the staff that deal with people by phone need good personal skills

Yes Kentish maid,I absolutely agree with you.

Oh dear names,shouting at someone on the phone never ends well.

Yes manners start at home.my own two are and always have been well behaved and polite children and now as grownups are great with others but that's because my upbringing was a good one where I learnt skills for life and passed those on.

Florence in the hebrides

I agree with Von and think it is the responsibility for parents to teach good manners, in fact to teach things like life skills too and to be good role models and examples to their children. Too much responsibility is being foisted onto teachers at taxpayers' expense. They are highly trained and better paid than nursery staff yet their teaching time is being spent on children who are sent to school unable to hold a pencil, still in nappies, hardly able to talk. I was a 40/50s child and before I started school aged 5, I was taught my numbers 1-20, knew the alphabet, the colours and could write my name and tie shoelaces. My parents both worked, but instead of a nice car to drive to work in, they both cycled all year in all weathers to their jobs, my mother with me in a seat on the back of her bike when it was school holidays as she took a less well paid job where she could take me with her when needed. Teachers can reinforce good manners at school but it needs to happen at home too for a child to know it is important.

Namelessone, your OH was a bit short on life skills there wasn't he! lol :-D It's not the way to get the result you want is it.

A good indication that teaching manners should not be left to teachers. ;-)

Still don’t know what got into him.

This is where 'Sure Start' were so good.

I agree, it is the parents who should teach children their manners and their major life skills, such as how to talk with other people, in person or on the phone.

My daughter has been praised at various stages of her life for her good behaviour and manners ............ from a man praising her on the bus when she was about 10 for giving up her seat to an older person without being prompted. She told me that later she was so pleased because to be thanked. Another one she was pleased to hear was when a school friend asked to talk over some confidential things with her "because you don't spread gossip".

We only insisted on what we had been taught, the old yes, please, thank you, etc.

I've been happy to see that her son is also polite and pleasant, speaks well on the phone. When asked what she had done, my daughter replied "just what my mother taught me".

No way is it the responsibility of the teacher at school, except in terms of insisting on good manners in the classroom. I know many people do think that teachers teach everything, but they don't, they don't have time to learn everything themselves and they don't have time to teach every child everything, except what they are trained and paid to do.


I've been very disappointed over the last few years with our nephew's failure to carry on what his mother (OH's sister) taught all 3 of her children, especially with regard to saying thank you for presents, preferably by letter or card if not given in person. Just to let the giver know that the the present had arrived.

It may be his wife who doesn't do it, but we were never thanked for their wedding presents, never thanked for money sent on the births of their daughters, nor for the money sent to each child for birthday and Christmas.

I know the cheques are deposited and can only assume it was by them. The irony is that they only live about 30 miles from where we live, and could phone very easily, especially as it is still in the "free" local all area!

I am sorely tempted to cut them off, yet hate the idea of treating the 2 kiddies differently from their 4 cousins .................. it's not their fault!

His sisters still follow their mother's teachings, the 4 kiddies have some kind of drawing when very young to writing a proper thank you as they aged.

While I do like to hear the niceties of please and thank you from everyone, does anyone think that, as far as families are concerned, this could be a British thing?

I ask because when we lived overseas among our friends we had a Spanish family (parents born in Spain then had to move swiftly to southern France so children were born in France).

The mother, a teacher, was intrigued to hear OH, children and me saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to each other. She explained that, where they came from (never knew whether she meant Spain or France) family members and very close friends never used those words to each other.

They had a couple of other things about them which were alien to me (or my Britishness, I expect) but they were such a nice family and I got on particularly well with the mother whose company I always enjoyed.

I used to say to my daughter “what’s the magic word” if she forgot to say please or thank you

It’s what my mum did to us ,and we were a family of seven kiddies

I even say thank you to my Alexa when it gives me a message !

And there was “I want doesn’t get ,it’s please may I have “

I always try to be polite when I phone companies with a complaint.
These people are 'front line' - and not necessarily responsible for the mess your account is in!
However, when it comes to emails, my tone changes. With an email you have written evidence about your complaint - which is probably why firms don't like giving out email addresses!

As for 'please' and 'thank you' - it's a natural in our family - but so is humour, empathy, and not dropping litter!!

Sadly, there are children whose family life isn't as good as ours and some only learn manners and social skills at school. I have seen it many times and it's very sad.Its not the job of teachers to teach basic manners,I agree but in society there are so many families who themselves have poor social skills,that school education is the only chance some children have to learn manners etc and to speak properly to others.

I once had a child who swore terribly at the age of 6 but when we met the parents at a parents evening,all became clear.The parents swore every other word because it was the only way they knew and so passed it on to their children sadly.

Florence 8n the Hebrides

JoyL ............

You might be right.

I do hear people saying please and thank you here, but sometimes got surprised looks from strangers when I said it.

A couple of years after daughter married and moved to Nova Scotia, one of her husband's cousins had a baby, and daughter asked me to make a baby jacket and bonnet for the baby. I'd met the girl, and sent the gift for her. I didn't have her address, so had to send it to daughter to hand over.

I never received a thank you note, and commented later on that, daughter said that she had discovered that it was not common to send a thank you note, and sometimes not even to say thank you in person when given a gift at, eg a baby shower or wedding.

She drilled her husband into sending a note for presents we and our friends on this side sent by mail.

You see, all the people we were close to did the opposite on this side .............. American, Canadian and English-born friends, colleagues and acquaintances all said thank you in person or by note for presents, and always phoned to say thank you to the hostess after having been at a dinner party, or sent flowers the next day.

Sylvia, absolutely agree.My grown up children still send thankyou notes for Xmas &birthday and so do I.
And yes sending a note after a dinner party to say thankyou for a lovely evening is polite.

Florence in the hebrides

Where we live there are quite a lot of single-track roads, with passing places.

On one occasion I was taking my Canadian niece, aged early 20's, sight-seeing and one of these roads was quite busy. After about the third time of having to wait, she asked if I knew all the drivers. Of course I didn't, so she wanted to know why I waved to them all!

She couldn't believe it when I said I was thanking them - and that most people did it. :-)

OH still acknowledges at other drivers in similar situations, after 54+ years over here. ............... only here in BC and I think much of Canada, you just lift your fingers up from the wheel keeping control with the thumb still in place.

Most other drivers do the same back to him.

One of the "wrong" things to do, that can get you in trouble, is to only have one hand on the wheel, unless it is a manual car when you have to use one hand to change gears, etc. OH still prefers a manual, against all odds!

Yes Sylvia and AndysMum, both my OH and I do the little finger-raise of thanks on occasion.

We have a chicane with a one-way priority sign between our home and our daughter’s and, surprisingly, more drivers use the gesture than those who don’t. As far as I can see, age makes no difference either.

As my Dad used to say, ‘It’s nice to be nice.’ :-D

I recently came across a little comedic video of an American learning to drive in the UK.
The thing he got right was when you meet an on coming car in a narrow lane was that the cheapest car had to give way. He must have been doing that driving round here because the bigger, more expensive cars don’t move over an inch. :-P

He’d probably scoot straight over the top of my little car, Names.

Years ago, in my working life I used to drive home for lunch as it was a short journey.

A couple of times during the summertime it took a lot longer as traffic came to a stop when Americans (and it always seemed to be Americans) used to gaily go around a couple of roundabouts the wrong way. Surprisingly, we seemed to get used to it which is why we just came to a halt while they completed their manoeuvres.