General Chat

Shirley, Island, Allan and Sylvia, thank you all for your replies. It's interesting to hear others' viewpoints. I do agree with Island that there is a great deal of taboo surrounding death, at least in England.
We all just have to cope with the death of loved ones as best we can and hopefully in a way that helps us to move forward. Certainly never an easy thing to do.
Lovely to hear from you all and thanks again. My very best wishes to you all. X

My mother died in 1961, I had just turned 21, and that was a time when it was still common in our area of Lancashire for the body to be taken from the Funeral Home to the dead person's home the day before the funeral, placed in the front room (ie, the "best" room), lid removed, and the coffin left there overnight before they returned the next morning, secured the lid and took the coffin to the church or crematorium.

It was expected that at least one person would stay the night in the room with the coffin. Dad did that, I refused but I saw Mum both in the evening and in the morning before the lid was secured.


My brother died in 1991, and there was a 10 day delay between his death and funeral because he died in a different place from his residence, they had to determine jurisdiction for the Coroner before an autopsy could be done. Eventually the Funeral Director was able to pick up his body and take it to their place . Then someone from the family had to go to identify him before the lid was secured. Neither his estranged but still friendly wife nor I felt up to doing that, so his wife's brother agreed to do it.

That was to ensure that we were cremating the correct person, although I gathered it was also done for burials.

I saw my mum just after she died. She hadn't been dead for any length of time and looked so natural and peaceful. That was on a Saturday when she was still at home.

I saw her again the following Monday (Her Funeral was on the Tuesday) and wished that I hadn't. The change that had occurred between the two viewings is something that will stay with ne for ever

I went to see both of my parents at the chapel of rest. I'd sorted out clothes, even shoes for both, couldn't have them in their graves unsuitably dressed.

First mum, Dad wanted to see her and needed some support. We went twice.
I was surprised as, although I was seeing mum, she didn't look like herself. There was an absolute stillness about her and of course every essence of her was no longer there. There was also the fact that the funeral directors did not know her so her hair was not dressed in her usual way.
I wanted to see dad as I felt I would have abandoned him. He looked more like himself but again, the stillness made me feel he didn't - probably because, in both cases, the body I was with was no longer the parent I knew.

I have no regrets, no uncomfortable lasting images. Seeing them at rest has not taken away any memories, I remember them as they were in life.

This is, obviously, a matter of personal choice but I do think there is a certain amount of taboo around the deceased.

I went to see both parents after they passed as it was the done thing

Seeing my mum .who really didn’t look like her so much I asked I’d they had brought the right one out , I was left with bad memories

I didn’t go to see my hubby ,I just wanted to remember him from when I kissed him goodbye and told him it was ok to go if he wanted to

I still stick to that memory with no regrets <3

Aw, LaGooner, that's SO sad.

AnninGlos, that was a good way to erase the sad memory you had of your Dad and replace it with happier memories.

I've not heard yet how the "viewing" went as I've not heard from Ben yet.

I do realise that death was such a big part of life decades ago and the deceased was laid to rest in the house and everyone came to view the body. It wasn't even considered strange or odd and even young children participated. I've not known anyone do that lately though and I've not been "invited" to view personally, thankfully.

Hopefully Ben was able to detach himself mentally from the situation or just refuse to go in the room itself but still be there to support his wife.
Thanks for your comments everyone. X

My Dad was in a nursing home and we travelled to see him once a month (I was working full time then). The last time I saw him after not seeing him for a month (he was 93), he was nothing like my Dad. He died a week alter. I always remember how he looked (in 2001) and always wished that that had not been the last time I saw him. I surrounded myself with photos of him when he was younger and gradually erased that last picture in my mind.

As Ann says viewing the person that has died is done here as well, it was common practice years ago but perhaps not so much now. In my family the person was always at home overnight and viewing was done there.
No one should be made to do so if they don't wish to .

I hope your son doesn't find it to traumatic and can remember his father in law in happier times.

xx

I viewed my adored Dad after pressure from family. I was only 17 and the vivid memory of the sight of him still haunts me to this day :-(

Kay, I know that, even in this country, people do go to view the body but, like you that would not be me. It is a shame that your son will be needed by his wife to go with the family. Maybe he can take it as just that, being with his wife and somehow detaching his brain from the viewing. If he concentrates on looking after his wife he might manage without having to look too closely at his much loved father in law. Maybe think of him as being asleep. I hope he manages to get through this ok, such a sad time for the familt.

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. Much appreciated.

I remember your post LaGooner on the deleted thread. This is an evil disease.

My son tells me the family have arranged a viewing of Marks body. I don't know if this is a usual thing to do in America but it's not something I'd participate in myself. I'd much rather remember when the deceased person was alive and well, laughing and chatting, than have my last memory of them laying dead in a coffin. My poor son doesn't want to go but his wife does, so he'll have to, to support her. Who'll support him when he's witnessed such a terrible thing? His wife isn't of the nature to tell Ben she'd be ok to go on her own, or jointly grieve with her family whilst Ben waits outside and I'm not even certain that Ben would refuse to go if he didn't want to, if she did want him there. I'm rambling, I'm sorry, but I'm just feeling so much for my son who adored his father-in-law. His only friends are his wifes friends but even they live quite a distance away from them, and they wouldn't be able to meet up anyway with restrictions, plus the fact that there's Covid involved with the whole family. Such a mess, and all 4,000+ miles away. Thank you for reading my troubles. <3 X

My condolences to all. Kay <3 LG <3

Thank you everyone, yes he is in pieces at the moment bless him. <3

LG ......... I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Your husband must be finding it very hard.

Kay, so sorry to hear of your son's sad loss. Condolences to you and to your son and his family.

LG, my sympathy to you and your OH at a sad time.

Last year I lost three of my relatives to the Corona Virus and I still find it hard to think they're all gone.

<3 <3 <3

Sorry to hear of your loss as well LG.

Sad to think there are still some who question whether it's real or not, they need their heads shaking.

My condolences to all concerned, Kay <3

These are such sad times for so many people, It must be so hard when family are so far away . Condolences to all .

LG I think I may have responded to your post on the deleted thread, however I had not realised it was your husband's twin, how very sad, twins are so close he must be devastated. Even if I said before I will send my deepest sympathies again. It is a sad world at the moment for sure. <3 <3