Genealogy Chat

Just come on line and have been reading this thread with interest. As an adoptee in my 60s who has found and contacted most of my birth family, I obviously have an opinion.
I have not so far used an intermediary of any sort. One of the reasons is that I like to be independent, another, and more importantly it is that I felt that the people I was searching for might not be too pleased if they found their details and life story had been the subject of discussion and 'counselling' with a third party who had no reason to know all our business. In other words, I preferred to keep it in the 'family'.
Still searching however for my full sister
birth name
Jennifer Ann
born 22nd September 1945 in Woking, our mother Muriel Ethel M...., lived in Bisley.
Eileen
birth name

I find it very sad the number of messages for missing relatives, the situation can only get worse as marriage is not always thought necessary.It's going to get harder to build family trees . There are times the boards look like a missing persons bureau, all those people longing to be reunited,It's such a pity there isnt one agency where these folk could go to for help, a Lost and Found department!

yes please am not expectin much maybe jst a name will do.
at least then my mum can say `my dads name was` ???????????
then she wont feel like the black sheep xx

Shall I get my crystal ball out?

hi there am lookin for my grandad

Hi,
Just as Sheila said, I tend to help people on this site looking for living relatives when I can but generally by pm. You often need more information that they initially post and when in contact on a one to one you certainly get a better idea of the maturity of the seeker. It then allows you an opportunity to politely warn them not to rush into this and to consider the consequences of their action.
My belief is that when people start looking they tend to be highly emotionally charged, but this tends to lessen when help and sound advice is given. Not that I'm an expert.
Paul

Hi Lindsey,

I agree with you to a certain extent, but myself and most of the people on here who do look ups, try to act in a sensible way, for instance there are often private pm's where you find out a bit of background information before giving any info out, and I would not give info to anyone who I though would use it without any thought to the consequences of all involved.
I would be more wary about giving info to anyone quite young or who seemed young for their age, for two reasons, when your young things tend to be in black and white, hopefully you tend to mellow with age :O)
The other thing is you may not be able to deal with any knock backs you may take.
I always find it quite ironic for instance that adoptee's who where adopted after 1975 do not need to seek any counselling, whilst older ones do.
In my experience the older ones deal with it better, and have given a lot more time to deciding on whether to trace their birth family.
Kate you must do what you think is right and if that means using an inter-mediate then arrange for this, in my case I found it was a total waste of time, I did not decide one morning on a whim 'let's find my BF' I thought it over for years and was aware of every possible scenario, there could be. I found my support system through my family and other adoptee's on our support thread on here.
That said it a third person to act as a go between or a buffer can often be a godsend, in certain circumstances.
But these look ups are not just over finding birth mothers, fathers etc, have you any idea of how many people have lost touch with family and friends over the years ? families moving, long forgotten family rifts.
Sometimes these look ups can bring so much joy for those concerned, so whilst like you say I would ask people to be sensible when giving out information, I would not want to get paranoid about it either, so would just ask for caution and a bit of common sense to be used when helping others.

To pick up on something Carol said, I am adopted and my parents always said that if I wanted to contact my birth mother then they would help me do it through my social worker (who is my godfather and is still in touch with the family).

I may be wrong but I believe if you go through the traditional channels to find your birth parents you are given counselling before making the contact, which I think is right.

What worries me is that - although this is a wonderful site - people may see it as a way to get in touch with their birth parents that bypasses the need to discuss it with social workers etc and I think this will leave some people very vulnerable.

I understand why people want to find birth families etc through this site but it occurs to me that, if they message a relative who is their blood family, be it parent, sibling or grandparent, it could be heartbreaking to receive an auto reply like "This is not my relative", or worse - a recognition of the relationship and a message back that says "Don't contact me again, you're part of my past" etc.

What people have to consider, I think, is if they could take that rejection and - as others have said - if they are prepared for the stories and backgrounds and reality they may uncover. I believe (but could be wrong) that my birth mother was at one time a member of this site, but I didn't contact her through this site. If I want to, I will do it through my social worker.

I was in the position of being able to contact my father after 40 years.
He disappeared out of my life when I was 14 and I never heard from him at all.
I thought of him often especially when I got married and I had my children.
I had no intentions of looking for him when I started family history, but a circumstance occurred where I found out his new name and where he was living, purely by chance.
I had wanted closure, as I was looking for his death details as he was getting on abit.But totally gobsmacked to find he was still alive,
I stared at his name for a long time, and asked myself, what do I do and how do I contact him.
So I wrote to him in the "3rd person" telling him that I thought he knew the person that his name was and that his surviving brothers were interested in contacting him should he know where that "person "was
I had no idea if his new wife knew about me or if he had any new family.
So I left contact numbers of two of his brothers and it gave him the chance to speak to them to tell them if he wanted contact. The ball was intirely in his court.I never gave my telephone number.I knew that if he phoned me it was because he had asked for it and that it was him who wanted the contact. I did not force the issue. If he had left a message with his brother that he wanted to let sleeping dogs lie, then I would have left it at that.
The day he received my letter he phoned one of his brothers immediately, very emotional and overwhelmed.
Yes his wife knew about me and he didnt have any more children, but had step children.
He had to think about the letter, and his brother had informed him of what we were doing in the way of family history.
Within 4 hours after, he phoned me 1 month later we arranged to meet, and it went very well and after over two years we phone regular and as I live a long way meet twice a year.I now have a step sister and brother
BUT it dosent go well for every one.
I am a very laid back person, I understood what it was like to part with husbands or partners. So I am going to enjoy what little time we may have left.
The other scenario is I am in contact with another relative,very elderly and is oblivious to an event that happened to her mother over 60 years ago.
She believed her mother just walked out of their lives
and I know a sad event and evidence to the contrary. So I kept quiet.
Hopefully when ever you find a long lost relative, think on it sleep on it and weigh up the fors and against contact and parting with delicate information, especially to the very young and the very elderly..
I know of adopted children that have contacted their birth mothers and it has gone well at first and then the relationship deteriorated and then gone horribly wrong. On the up side I have known it to go brilliantly.
It depends on the people involved.
I think there should be a 3rd person involved either a mediator or a nuetral family member that makes the first contact.

Carol

"whatever happened to being responsible adults?"

I guess you'd have to ask Moses. If there were responsible adults back then, he wouldn't have had to come up with those stone tablets. Were you thinking of some earlier period? ;)

There have always been vulnerable people and people who choose to exploit and oppress them. That's why we have always had laws, and probably always will have.

Its sad that some people require to run away from the truth. Its even worse that our statute books and parliamentary time are taken up by reinforcing this. whatever happened to being responsible adults?

I absolutely agree, small-l lindsey: everyone needs to know who they are. Well, most people want to know who they are, anyway. ;) Why else would we all be here?

Finding out that your grx2 grandparents weren't married is nothing to get upset about (not that some people don't manage to). Finding out that your father doesn't want to know you is a little worse, though. It's the kind of thing that might be better left until one is old enough that it isn't going to affect one's own growth and development.

Reading some of the stories people bring here, I wish we could talk to their parents instead of them. The truth is what it is, and it's going to out someday. How much better that it come from someone who cares than from a stranger, or a parent who doesn't want to know.

Parents: if your kid wants to know about his/her other parent, tell!! In an age-appropriate way. The other parent may be a violent alcoholic criminal who abandoned the family in the streets, but a young kid only needs to know that the parent had too many problems to be able to be a good parent. An older kid or young adult needs to start hearing some facts, *in a context* that can be provided by a close family member, and that isn't going to be there if contact results from a search of the electoral roll.

hi shall we carry this on tommow?

am a bit confused with the 2 lindsey`s hehe x

That's better, and on that note I'll love you and leave you, my bed is calling. Let's see what the daytime folk think.

sorry, it`s just a bad habit.
my mum is the youngest of 6 who all carry the same surname (mccrorie)
my mum is (mercer) like her mother annie mercer.
deep down a think everyone needs to no who they are

hi me my mum and 2 sisters are all happy with our lives and dont need or want any inconvinous.
if or any info i get regardin my mums dad (my grandad) whom a think may be deceased, isnt going to change our lives. Am 28yrs old with a 9yr old daughter in a happy relationship my mum jean is 54 also in a happy relationship and has been for 2 decades now, a think she just need`s a name or any thing x

Yes I agree, ask first, when obviously young, I just feel uncomfortable about some requests... and some of their responses.My first instinct is not to reply, then when I see the query remains unanswered I figure if there is a problem. I wouldn't want to feel responsible for exacerbating it.{Thats a big word for this time of night!}

I should give a clear response to the proposal you are making, though.

While passing on publicly available information is a neutral activity -- yes, I agree that we should include standard advice about seeking out a third party who could initiate the contact.

In one case, where I found a person's relation listed on a church website, I suggested contacting the clergyperson there first. A mature family member who is willing to assist is another option. There are all sorts of possibilities, and we should suggest that the person explore what is available and think about what would be best.

OO look its the two Lindseys!!!!

Yes I know its a heart-breaking situation and I really think it takes a third party to mediate in linking families. I have a friend who is adopted but afraid to look for her parents, she has a gaping hole in her life and very often goes on heavy drinking binges, which doesn't help at all.
If I gave her fathers details she would probably tear them up. Maybe her parents are looking for her? I just feel I'm not qualified to interfere, leave it to the professionals. Each case is very different.

That and other concerns, Lindsey (number one).

I've been taking the view that as long as all this info is publicly accessible in the UK -- like recent BMDs and electoral roll listings -- passing it on is a neutral activity.

(Of course I remain astounded that it's available. Leaking info from the list of electors, in Canada, is a criminal offence. Leaking info about birth registrations in the last century or so is a violation of privacy legislation.)

If it got to undertaking more than a records search, I'd be wanting to know a bit more about the motives and intentions and hopes of the person asking.

lindsey speirs: could you try to write in complete words? A lot of people here are well beyond their teenaged years, and really would not have a clue what you are saying there. This ain't Facebook!