Genealogy Chat

See below in about ten minutes, its a long one (and probably on the wrong board too)

A long-standing friend, who I will call X, told me the following story today and I am appalled. Please tell me what you think. X has a brother, Y and a sister, Z. When Y was in his late teens, he met a foreign girl, over here to study. They fell passionately in love and set a date for the Wedding. The plan was, she would finish her studies here and then they would return to live in her country. As the wedding approached, Y got cold feet about living in a foreign country, away from his family (a bit of a mummy's boy). They quarrelled and broke off the engagement and he has never seen her since. He eventually married a divorced woman and brought up her son as his own. He has said, more than once, his only regret in life is that he did not have any children of his own. You know what's coming, don't you? The girl confided in Ys parents that she was pregnant but could not have the child as Y no longer wished to marry her. They helped her out financially to go to Amsterdam for an abortion and never saw her again. However, about ten years ago, she turned up at X y and Z's parents house with her (then) 20 year old daughter. She had not had an abortion and the girl wished to see her father. For reasons which X said to me today 'were for the best' they sent her away with a flea in her ear. Granny has since died, but swore X and his sister to secrecy, saying, it will only cause trouble after all this time. X and Z have vowed to keep this secret to the grave. I am UTTERLY appalled at this, I do not think they have the right to do this. My parting shot to X today (we had a blazing row about it) was: Lets hope Y and Z arent keeping a similar secret about YOU. I think that has rattled him considerably. What, if anything, shall I do? How can I face Y again, knowing that I know something he doesnt? I wish to God X hadn't told me about this, I am feeling sick with the injustice of it all.Am I over-reacting and should I just mind my own business? The Olde Crone.

Wow - what a secret to burden you with. If you were to tell X about this, would the others admit they know the truth? You could be left looking like the baddy You need to weight up the options, you friendship with all parties and the potential damage you could do to his current relationship Not an easy one I admit.........and glad it's not me Good Luck Elly

Hi Its hard to mind your own business, when they have made it your business. At the end of the day, if its a secret then it should not have been passed on to you. I wouldn't know what to do, but then again i wouldn't be able to look the person in the eye ever again because i knew this secret. Nobody can tell you what you should do with this info, only you can decided what you can and cannot live with. you've got to think about it then act soz its not the answer your looking for :-)

Are the Mother and child still traceable? J

skeletons have a habit or rattling every now and then. what would your friend think of you if he ever finds out and knows that you knew and didnt tell him. my husband only discovered who his father was after his father had died. too late then love linda x

Jan I wouldn't have thought so, as far as I can gather the girl was born and brought up abroad. At best, he would presumably be able to guess an approximate date of birth and a birth name - but what then? How do you start to trace someone in a foreign country, who possibly doesnt even speak English? My head is spinning with all this. I keep thinking of that poor girl, being rejected not once, but twice in her young life. I also think that as Y brought up his stepson as his own, it is time for Y's wife to return the favour, so to speak. especially as all this happened before he even knew his wife. At the moment, I have decided that I cannot be the one to tell Y, but I am going to do my absolute utmost to make X tell him. Whoever tells him, it is going to rip the family apart, Y is going to be so angry about this and I don't blame him. I think that is probably what is stopping X and Z from telling him, that and the thought of how Y will feel about the mother he so idolised. An Olde Crone.

I do wish you luck in trying to persuade them that they have to give him the information. Terrible isn't it what happens when people decide what's best for someone else. J UPDATE - errrm that sounds odd, but you know what I mean I hope - parents in this case. Sorry if it sounded otherwise. J

I knew 'Granny and Grandad' well and I am stunned that they rejected their Grandchild, they were lovely, loving people. The only thing I can think of as a reason is that Y was very seriously ill at the time (not expected to survive, but he obviously did). I think its on X's conscience and that is why he told me today, I was prattling on about Family History (surprise), this site, and the happy/tragic surprises/secrets that come out. He suddenly blurted it out - but after he got my reaction I am sure he wishes he didnt. And I wish he didnt either. The Olde Crone

Do you think the girl will try to find her father again? He should be told about her BUT who will tell him? What a mess. My Opinion.: If it was me I think I would keep on at the ones who know + TRY to get them to see that it's really for the best that he knows. After all she could turn up on his doorstep one day. Regards Ann

Sounds like he needed to get it off his chest Marjorie. I wonder if the siblings have any information that they haven't mentioned....like an address, name, country, area? If they decide to tell him, perhaps this site or one like it could find them. That would be great wouldn 't it. I wish you luck with the persuasion. J

Ann I agree, I shall keep on at X, but I hardly think this poor girl is going to risk rejection a third time. Meanwhile I plan to keep out of Y's way this week. What an utter mess for everyone concerned. Someone once said to me years ago 'Be careful of telling little lies, they have a habit of growing into monsters'. How true. An Olde Crone

Any chance that this (not-so-secret) secret was passed onto you for a reason... i.e that YOU would be the one to break this news to the father?

Yes, it is a difficult one. Obviously your friend wanted to get it off his chest, so may be he is wanting to tell his brother but wants some sort of confirmation he is doing the right thing. At the same time, he will be thinking of his promise to mum. I wouldnt go madly at him, after all the secret has lasted 20 years and another 6 months wont make a lot of difference. Get together and let things develop slowly. I am sure this man wants it to come out but needs some gentle back up. Good luck.

What happens if and when Y finds out, if he also finds out that you knew and did not tell him?? Very difficult situation....Keep on at X and hope for the best. Gail.

> should I just mind my own business? Probably. If word gets around that you don't/won't keep confidences, you may come to regret it in the long run. Cheers, Bill Sydney, Australia

Hi again Just a thought on my previous reply. Yes, the girl has been rejected BUT she hasn't actually been rejected by her father, so there could be a, albeit thin, chance that she may try to contact HIM direct Regards Ann

The daughter in question at 20 was probably at the age when she would have been questioning her mother re her parentage and consequently she did meet her grandparents. It therefore stands to reason that she knows who her father is but for some reason hasn't contacted him. ....feeling of rejection maybe as you have said. But with the popularity of genealogy it is quite likely that she would get the urge to try again especially now she is older and possibly more able to cope better with the situation. None of us react in the same way but if I were her I would have found out about him from afar so perhaps she already knows everything about him and where he lives. This leads to the possibility that she may try to contact him when she knows he is ill for instance or when she is herself... that urge to wipe the slate clean before we die syndrome. You said you had a blazing row about this with X. Perhaps the best thing is to explain to X that the shock of the situation came out as anger by your horror of the situation and then try to persuade gently that it is his and Z's duty to tell Y. I think he needs to know. Better he knows now than when he is very ill. However, he has put you in an impossible situation really, you certainly cannot tell Y. Mind your own business? I guess that could be the answer ..... with close friends that is going to make life for you that much more difficult. I'm so sorry he has done this to you, Marjorie, but I guess he needed to tell someone, it must have been playing on his mind for years Thinking of you Katarzyna

Thankyou all for your input. After a sleepless night, I spoke to X today and said that until he tells his brother what he knows, I shall make excuses to avoid Y and that if push comes to shove, I will tell Y why I am avoiding him. (I don't think I WILL actually tell Y, for several reasons, the main one being that I really think that this info should come from X and Z, if there is to be any chance of saving their family relationship) It is interesting that no-one has said let sleeping dogs lie and that the replies to this thread, anyway, all think Y has a right to know. And, I was a bit worried about two points brought up , that of 'people deciding what is right for other people' which could be applied equally to both sides - his mother decided and now I am deciding! Also, I don't want to get the reputation for being a blabbermouth! I suddenly remembered, in the middle of the night, when Granny was dying she went into a Hospice. A day later, she insisted on going home for two hours. X took her home, she sent him out, when he came back she was burning letters and photos. We discussed it at the time and I said, oh, she is probably burning her old love letters, doesnt want you kids to see them - now I wonder what she really WAS burning.... X said today that his mother regretted sending the girl and her mother away, but she got such a shock when they turned up on the doorstep that she wasnt thinking straight, could only see it all leading to trouble...a lesson there perhaps for others intending to appear on someone's doorstep without a gentle lead up. Thankyou all again, I will let you know what happens. Old Crone

Marjorie, you are not a blabbermouth. You didn't say you were told in confidence, just that you were told a story. It wasn't fair to burden you wth this unless they intended to put it straight now. Perhaps because you're such a good friend and they value your opinion they were testing the water. I feel quite sorry for them too in a way; they are burdened by being sworn to secrecy by a parent. Do hope all turns out for the best. Good wishes Jan