Genealogy Chat

Hi All, Perhaps a slightly different slant. Several years ago I decided that since I have more years behind me than in front of me I would try and find information on who I was and where I came from. As a baby I was put into care into which I remained until old enough to work at the age of 15. Times were hard in the 50's and unmarried mothers did not have the support of the state let alone the support of their own family quite often. Many of the children with whom I was in care with have looked for their families. Some being lucky that they have been met with open arms, most were rejected. When you embark down this road you must remember that it is not only you who will be affected but others also, as has been said in previous threads. When a friend of mine who had been in the homes with me died suddenly in his late 40's, his funeral was attended by many friends. but not one member of his family. This started me thinking that I would like to know more, not wanting to go to my grave in similar circumstances. Over the last few years I have built up a reasonable family tree, however I do not wish at this time to meet any of my family but remain content to now know who and where they are. I found that my mother had me as a result of a casual affair, my father being black. That she tried her best to look after me but ultimately without any help from her family or state she could not work and keep me at the same time. After a case of phneumonia which hospitalised me, she finally accepted that she could no longer cope and so I was put into a Home. So I can understand why I was put into care but cannot understand why when intially she made such a great effort to keep and support me, she never ever had contact with me again but lived and died just a few miles from where I now live. She was one of a large family. Have my aunt's and uncle's forgotten I exist and erased me from their memory?.. Who knows. I will never know all the answers. I am dissapointed in that I will never have the opportunity to speak with my mum. There is no longer any bitterness felt towards her NOW that I know she did her best. That's what information does. It can change your frame of mind. Perhaps one day I can even forgive my uncle's and aunt's. What is family? Family are those who have loved and cared for you, been there for you and watched over you while you have grown up. If this is your biological family then good for you, if it has been your adopted family then you're really fortunate, you've had a second chance, don't do anything to hurt them. Paul

Hi Paul, Just read your story and was thinking how sad it was, did it ever occur to you, that maybe your BM, was scared of making contact with you again in case you rejected her, having come to that awful heart wrenching deciscion, maybe she thought that you would be better of without her, she obviously loved you, as she tried so hard to keep you. It must have been so hard for her in the 1950's to cope alone, she had the stigma of being a single mum, and no back up by SS like wehave today. It may also be possible she tried to make contact with you, but the care home would not let her, the rules where so different back then, the sad thing is you will not get the chance to hear her versions of events. Did you ever view your records ? maybe your Aunt and Uncles where not aware of your existance, or maybe they where not is a position to help out, unless you ever get the chance to speak to them, you will not know the answers, and all you can do is make up your own version of events. I just hope that you have found peace of mind, but I do not think so, maybe you would be best to try and find some more info from the home, or possibly try contacting another relative, it means confronting you demons but is that better than how you feel now ? Like you say these adoptions and fosterings, concern a lot more than your BM and BF they affect both their familes and your own. Take Care Sheila

Another slant Keep in mind as you read this, that I am an adoptee In 1961 when I had just left school I went for a holiday job to an hotel run by the wife of a retired Baptist Minister. I was to go and do nursing training the following year and wanted some pocket money. The lady who ran the hotel employed, for the most part, girls from the local Baptist Home for Unmarried Mothers, near Camberley. I had had a sheltered upbringing and had never been in contact with 'girls like that', as they were called in those days. I will never forget them and often wonder what happened to them and their babies. The girl I shared a room with was a lovely girl with beautiful red hair. Her name was Marjorie, and I know that she had a little boy. She would so have loved to have kept him. Another girl - I forget her name - was in the Army and had an affair with a senior officer. She liked to give the impression that she was very 'hard', but it was a cover. I don't know if she loved the officer, but she certainly was not happy to find that he had put other girls in the same situation. The third girl who worked there was a sweet homely girl whose name was Myrtle. She was old fashioned, not 'slick' or 'hip' or street-wise. She wore her hair in a little bun, and did not wear makeup. She for some reason thought that she was not pretty. Well I suppose she wasn't pretty in that sense, but she was kind and smiley. Anyway, she thought that she would never get a boy-friend and get married and have a family because she thought she was not attractive. She told us that she wanted a baby so much that she went out - I think in London - and found a young man deliberately to get pregnant. She had decided that she would like a 'little brown baby' (her words, not mine, and probably not very politically correct these days)So she had made sure that she found a nice black man - again, her words, so please don 't anyone take offence, and her baby would be brown. I often wonder what happened to these girls, one who had to give up her child, one who pretended not to care, and the one who was going to keep her baby. I did not know a lot about my own feelings re: being adopted, at that time. But I did know that I wanted to know more, and possibly to search. I do also wonder why my adoptive parents arranged for me to work at that particular hotel - they certainly knew all about it and that the girls who worked there would be pregnant. Sorry this posting is so long, and if anyone reading this recognises themselves as one of those girls, do get in touch. They were all a few years older than I, so would be in their mid-sixties now probably. Eileen(not the name they would know me by, if they remember me)

Nudge to keep adoption threads close together

WOW Powerful true stories that give up more information on both sides. Paul, You sound like me....hate rejection. That would be the most hurtful part of being Adopted. And even if you know why.....it still hurts. Familys.....got a lot to answer for. Your flesh and blood...and when the times are tough.. why dont they help you. Thats my big question to all you familys that didnt help your sibling when she needed it.... I know theres alot of reasons and excuses.....money.money, and what oh yes money. But what about love. I look at my daughter's and know i would help them. I wouldnt care what the neighbours think. Sorry all had to vent that one out. Maybe a bit immature and I do realise there are so many different reasons. And it really good to read these stories.....sad. Annxx

Hi Everyone, Hi Paul, My BM was from a very large family as well, and no none of my Aunites or Uncles took me on either. I am not upset about that as I would never have had the chance to be loved and taken care of by my Mum and Dad. Everyone is different and has different stories to tell. Some of my birth Aunties ane Uncles are older and some younger. Some of the older had children born in the same year as myself. I have now had contact with birth cousins and aunties and know why I was adopted, and am thankful for that. All the family new about me. I am at peace with the decision that was made and why the siblings of my birth mother never took me on. You will never know until you ask, though you must be ready within, as it could turn out either way. It sounds to me that you Birth mother loved you very much as she tried her hardest to keep you. As Sheila said you may want to confront your demons. And lay this one to rest. Everyone is different and I would not want to push anyone in to thier search until they were ready, but I have no regrets, better to know and move on than to not know at all. Melisa

THANK YOU EVERYONE. I am overwhelmed by the response to my thread. I am pleased that so many of you felt you had to add your own stories here and may i say that when i wrote this thread i felt such a relief to let it all out. I have had to spend many years keeping silient about this because my mother was still alive. Now that she has passed on i felt able to part with my feeling to you all and finding out that i was not alone in this situation as made a difference. That is the hardest thing, feeling that you are totally alone. May you all find peace and results in your searches. Kind Regards Vanessa

Paul I found your story very sad. A few thoughts occur to me though, which you may not have considered. Do you absolutely KNOW that your mother voluntarily put you into care? Is this in your Case File? If it is, I would be wary of believing it. In the 50s, and before, and after, a lot of middle class people thought they knew what was best for other people. The only difference between today and yesterday is that yesterday, there was little restraint on what Social Workers decided was 'for the best'. 'For the best' consisted of tidying up the untidy people in society, who did not fit in with rigid middle class values and prejudices. You, as a baby in hospital with pneumonia, a single mother (BIIIIG black mark) and horror of horrors, you were a mixed race child. Some interfering busybody would have instantly decided that your mother, having 'offended' society on TWO counts, was not fit to be a mother. Even if your mother DID apparently sign you over to a Home, I bet she was 'persuaded' to do it. It would have been presented as a golden opportunity for you - a chance to be properly cared for, to get an education and the chance of a good job. Your mother would have had to have been very strong-minded indeed to resist this sort of pressure - and so would the rest of her family. I give you this: Visiting Times (for Dr Barnardo's Homes, in the early 1950s) Visiting is allowed on the first Saturday of the Month, between ten am and 12 noon.One Visitor per child. (For most people in the 50s, Saturday was still a work day, so that would rule out a good few) No Visitors under the age of 14. In the case of Orphans, an older brother OR sister may visit, with written permission from the Superintendant of the Home. Suppose your mother had been brave enough to write, or even call, at the Home, to find out how you were getting on, she would have been undoubtedly told that you were doing very well, had settled in brilliantly and had not expressed any wish to see her - best go away dear and leave him to his wonderful new life. The fact that you might have been sobbing into your pillow every night would not be mentioned - Heavens above, the feckless mother might have tried to get her child out of the Home, and after all the trouble those good people had gone to, to get you out of an 'undesirable' family. People were far more in awe of those in authority in those days and your mother may have missed you very much but simply did not know how to go about getting you back (and even if she did know, she would have had a very hard job on her hands). Sadly, the Care system for children seems to have changed very little, certainly as far as results go - it still churns out desperately damaged young adults, who have been told lies, half-truths and truth. I cannot tell you to go and seek out your birth family - that is a journey only you can undertake. I am merely pointing out that I do not think you have the truth yet - at least, not all of it. I wish you the very best of luck. Olde Crone

just wanted to nudge this thread for others to read its nice to hear both sides of the story and some very good points of view that have made me think about my own adoption angie x

Thanks for nudging my thread up Angela. I am reading through the many messages that it is difficult to take them all in. The reason i placed this thread was to put my side of the story(so to speak) and let everyone know what a hard and very difficult decission we had to make in the past. God i sound old!. When i was young the stigma of being an unmarried mother carried more than the usual name calling. You were an out cast, a nobody and a few unsavioury names to boot. Today you are given help and suport and advise. So many young people today do not understand the feelings we all went through. I have had to try and explain all this to my youngest daughter who became an unmarried mother herself in 2003. She still lives with me and her step-father(her own having died of cancer in 1995 when she was 12 years old). She has the support, love and understanding that was denied to me. I hope mine and the other messages on this thread will help other young ladies trying to decide wether to put their child up for adoption or keep them. Not all experiances are the same but the one thing that may help is that reading through these messages one thing sticks out. How loved the adoptees are by their adoptive families. If and when i meet my beautiful daughter i hope she has had the love and support i so desperatley lacked. The best of health and regards Vanessa