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This post came about because of some of the arcaic thinking in regards to adoptees seeking their biological parents.
It is a contraversial topic and will probably generate a lot of comments.
the aim of this thread is to get people thinking "outside the square" in regards to adoption.
This is obviously aimed at none adoptee/relinquishing parents.
Adoptees and relinquishing parents know exactly how it feels
I think people need to remember why they started doing genealogy. Usually it is because they want to know where they came from, the sorts of people whom gave them their genetics; their history, and to know who they are.
An adoptee also has these desires and probably to a stronger degree then none adoptees. Who are we to say that they do not have this right. We all want to know who we are it is part of being human.
One must realise that a massive portion of babies were forciably removed from their mothers AND fathers. Mothers were made to feel so dirty and guilty; they were drugged and abused into giving up their babies; they were also told that they would never see their babies again ,because it was what was best. Some were even told that their baby died during the birth and it was best not to see the 'body' . It was not what most mothers wanted it was what they were told.
Adoptive parents were often told that the mother did not want the baby/ wanted a better life for it. For many decades and sadly still sometimes today adoption was/is based on a web of lies and deciete.
One has to remember that both the adoptee and mother and father is an innocent party in all this.
Mothers learned to handle their loss in different ways. A significant portion commited suicide soon after their loss; some had mental breakdows ; some gave birth to more babies only to loose them to the system yet again; and some went into denial; some never told their families because they believed if they did they would be seen as a dirty, shameful person because that is what they were forced to believe.
So to say that the mother gave her baby away willingly and didn't want to see the baby again is rather simplistic.
Yes a portion of those mums voluntarily giving up their babies for adoption did say they did not want contact ever, but it is a much smaller proportion they you may think.
I think people need to think very carefully before jumping to conclusions where adoption is concerned. Both parties have been hurt by the process. If one part of the party wants to find answers then they have a right to find those answers. This also includes the parents rights. Most relinquishing parents secretly want to know that their babies were happy ,healthy and looked after.
Reunion does not mean that they will be playing happy families once they find each other and both parties will be well aware of this.
Reunion is a process that should be handled very very carefully but It is up to the adoptee and parent how they want to handle reunion; it is not up to us to decide how or when. Most mothers whom are searching tend to use mediation because they do not know if their baby is aware of being adopted and do not want to cause hurt.
On the other hand the mother knows she gave birth and knows that one day she may recieve a phone call from their adult baby.
I could go on and on about the adoption process but wont. I am not an adoptee or relinquishing mother but have been helping people find each other for many years and have done years and years of research.
I suggest people whom have strong opinions one way or the other do a bit of research into the subject ; because it is really not a simple issue.
thankyou for taking the time to read this
:-D
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Very well written Aussietrish.
Gai
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Some mothers were perfectly happy to give away their babies, Many did.AND did so more than once.
The reason adopted children should be very careful is, the birthmother was promised annonimity, the child would never be able to find her, never be able to access the info that told then who she was. Then the law changed. fairer for the adoptee that wants to know, but very unfair for the birth mother whose past suddenly came back to haunt her.
Many are far from 'over joyed ' at their offsping popping out of the past
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Whilst agreeing in principle to what Aussietrish has said, there is another side to this as Penny has pointed out.
Back in the early 1950’s, a friend was adopted at birth. His parents had always been very open about his background. While still a teenager in the mid-to-late 70’s, he went to look from a far at his birth mother. When asked why he didn’t go and speak to her, he said that she married and that her husband didn’t know about her first born.
There must be a number of other more elderly birth mothers who have still not told their other family members – spouse or children – that they had a child who was put up for adoption.
Yes, it’s not up to us to dictate to an adoptee what to do, but with their headlong rush to ‘find their roots’ they can overlook the consequences to the Birth parent’s lives.
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What concerns me is the rose tinted specs they seem to be wearing. They almost all seem to imagine its going to be ''Happy ever after'' and in many cases its exactly the reverse.
I'm not sure its just ''The square- more like a hexagon, at least 6 sides to consider the needs and wants of
1) The adoptee
2 The birth Mother
3) the birth father, especially if he wasn't married to the mother
4) The adoptive parents
5) subsequent children of either birth parent
6) Other children of the adoptive parents
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Hi Aussietrish
You have put on the bottom of your OP
" thank you for taking the time to read this "
I am not an adoptee or relinquishing mother either,
but I would just like to say "thank you for taking your time writing it"
It is very well written and I totally agree with all you have said.
Well done
Barbara x
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********There is no and never has been written on any paperwork,,,,,that a birth parent is given total privacy or annonimity********,,,,,,,,,all is stated,,,,,,,, all rights are forfitied once they sign the final papers,,,,,all rights then are given to the appointed named guardian,,,,not the adoptive parents at that stage.
Applies in England./Wales /Scotland and NI.....
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May I compliment Aussietrish on a very well balanced epistle.
I have recently read a book called "The Empire's Forgotten Children".
This well written book deals with children who were removed from their birth parents & sent to places such as Australia, Canada, South Africa, & Rhodesia.
In many cases these children were told wrongly that they were orphans & that they were going to a place where they would have better prospects.
In general these children were used as cheap labour & given very little education.
In many instances they were also sexually abused.
The Governments of Australia & The Republic of Ireland have now officially apologised for what had happened to these unfortunate people.
Many other organisations & churches were complicit in what happened to these children & their birth parents
A fair percentage of these people are mentally scared & find it difficult to form meaningful relationships.
Who are we to judge anyone trying to find their birth parents ?
I realise that the ending may not be what the person had hoped for but the law has changed & they now have a right to see their original birth certificate.
It is then up to them and not up to us whether they wish to try to locate their birth mothers & fathers.
Thankfully we now live in more enlightened times.
Dougie
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I think you are mistaken in some of that Kay. Once the final papers are signed all rights ARE given to the adoptive parent. Abolutely and completely. Guardians are only in place between the 'giving' and the court hearing. Once thats done its ''as yopr own child''
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Penny re,your post.
Re-your post,,,,,,all mothers are promised,,,,,,,,,,,,on the final paper shes signs there is no promise or a clause for annonimity,only that she by signing its understood servers all rights,and the child is given a legal guardian, before any adoption papers are drawn up,
The court papers are a different process,,,,the judge signs and seals the final papers.
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