General Chat

Thanks ycaz


Gill

Ycaz I've been told that one of my problems is worrying about other people too much. I try not to worry but worry is my middle name! Lol!
The hole is not so deep this morning thanks. I should have a friend visiting later, fingers crossed she is able to come. Going out for a couple of hours this afternoon.
I'd better go & do some of that horrid housework stuff.
Angela

Angela I hope you have a good time with your friend, it's good to be able to forget worries for a while. I used to be like you and worry over other people, but since I was first told I had cancer that's all changed. My immediate reaction when I was told surprised my oncologist to say the least, I came out with 'what about so-an-so, 'what will happen to thingymajig. She pulled me up short and said I am number one now, I have to think about me, and my family are old enough to look after themselves. Put like that of course it made sense. I apply it to everything now and feel a lot better knowing others are still ok even though I am not worrying about them. Does it make sense?
Take a bit of ME time for yourself each day. In fact I think we should all do that, right girls?
I'll be offline till this afternoon now, see you all later.

Caz xx

Thanks for answering. xx

The trouble with me, is that my 'Depression' most probably started in childhood and was not noticed.
I am now 53yrs old. Lol.

Yes, I am starting at the begining.

Mum and Dad both passed their 11 plus and went to Grammar School, both then went into the RAF Police. Met each other and Mum got pregnant with me on their first date, apparently it happenend in a telephone box. Lol.

Mum's expected date of delivery was the 29th of February 1955. I was born on Christmas Eve 1954 weighing 3lbs 1 oz in Staffordshire, where Mum came from. Dad was born in Birmingham. Obviously Mum had left the RAF but Dad stayed in for another year.
Within weeks I lived in Mundsley Norfolk in lodgings. Apparently Dad was caught trying to smother me with a pillow when I was just 6 weeks old. The couple they lodged with begged them to let them adopt me. Mum told me this when I was about 9yrs old. She also kept in contact with them until I was about 13yrs old. I know their names and their two childrens names, but I just cant find them. They named me 'Saucy Sue' Lol.

Dad came out of the RAF when I was around a year old and we lived in a nice house in Staffs. I can just remember the house. We then moved to another nice house in Staffs. Mum had 4 girls in 5 yrs. Then soon a Brother was born. Then 2 more boys. We then moved again to a brand new house in Staffs.

Dad had a good job as a Draughtsman, he never drank but smoked. But was always off with other women. I remember when I was about 8yrs old we all had measles, a lady coming to the front door with flowers for my Mum, sweets and fruit for us children.
She said she was a friend of Dad's and he had said we were all poorly. Apparently, Dad had said to her that Mum was his Widowed Sister and had lots of children that had Measles.
What a shock that poor lady had when Mum told her the truth. I feel so sorry for her now.

At the age of around 9yrs I was very grown up and wise. Mum, and I got on very well, even though I was so young she only had me to confide in. She always said we would leave 'all this' and run away up north to her Aunt and Uncle only taking me with her. But we never did.
Mum often had a black eye, she would tell neighbours that she was putting a shilling in the gas meter and banged her head. Another time she said she trod on the broom and it came and hit her.

Dad often left home to live with another woman. We were alway happy then. I used to cook, clean wash and iron, for my siblings because Mum wasnt 'up to it' But then he would turn up and Mum would get pregnant again.

I will never forget when I was about 10yrs old, when she had a bed downstairs and miscarried twins in a bucket. I cleaned up all the 'mess'
She then went on to have another Son. Then another miscarriage.

We then moved again into a brand new house.
Dad used to belt us often, 4 girls lying in a double bed, blankets pulled away and a belt thrashed our bottoms.
Then we found out that my Sister ( who constantly wet the bed, and I mean buckets full) was finally taken to hospital and it was found that she had kidney problems. She was in and out of hospital for 2yrs.
Dad at this time was living with yet another woman in Wales.

My sister would have been he very first child to have Kidney transplant in at least Birmingham, but she was so poorly and wouldnt have withstood the operation.

I had just left scooll at 15yrs and was training to be a Dental Nurse, when my sister Died just after her 12th birthday. Mum had to contact the police to find my Dad.

Mum then had my Dad back and they had my Sister aound 1970 but she was only about 1yr old when Dad went off again.

So sorry to waffle on. Still have loads to tell and it really is helping me put all this down in writing.

May I carry on a little later?

Jenny xx

Jenny, I don't know what to say, no wonder you are like you are if this is only the beginning. I have been in bed and just popped down for a cuppa and painkillers, thought I would have a nosy.
You have already found it helps to write it down, carry on and get it all out, doesn't matter how long it takes, the more you get off your chest, the better and lighter you will feel.
I must go back and lie down but I will be back and looking for you this afternoon.
It's quiet on here today, where is everyone???
Caz xx

We are all told that we never forget our 'First Love'
After a couple of boyfriends I met met my 'First Love'
at the age of 15yrs. We were together for 3 years and then it fizzled out. I will never forget him. Sadly only last year I found out that he died around the age of 46yrs. I loved him dearly and he was always on my mind for many years after.

I then met and married my first Husband all within 12 weeks. He was a little older than me and a Cpl in the Army. Had a taste of 'Army life' This didnt work out and after just 5 months of marriage left him and went back home to Mum. Only to find 4 weeks later I was pregnant. I sufferered my first miscarriage at 12 weeks.

I then met my 2 Husband. We had our first baby in 1976, I then miscarried our second and 3rd. Just befote our 2rd baby was born in 1980 we found out my Husband had a very rare Lung conditon.
Life was so hard for us, having to go the the hospital many times a month over the next two years.
Then I found out I was pregnant again, this baby was not planned. Mum went ballistic for want of a better word. "OH Jen, you know you will be a Widow soon"

After two girls, our Son was born, arriving on his Dad's and Grandfathers Birthday. Yes, three generations born on the same day. We were in the Daily Mirror and local evening papers Lol.

Sadly Hubby died at 36yrs old, just a month after our Son was3 years old.

Back later, as i am crying.

I am here now. Sorry Caz, had a docs appointment (he wanted to admire my scar, don't think he was expecting it to be so big because his reaction was....'wow, that is big'!) Anyway I eel better about it now because what i thought was infection and poison is apparently not, it is something i can't remember the name of that is normal when scar tissue is healing. He has given me antibiotic cream to put on it.

Not so good was that he said when i had the tests pre op my glucose was higher than it should have been so i need to have a fasting test done. (hospital one was not fasting), but he said it is not urgent and can wait until after the holiday. OH will go mad if he has to phone the holiday insurers again.

Jenny, you keep talking, I am sure getting it all down on paper helps. You poor thing, if you read it through you can see that you didn't have a proper childhood, you had to grow up too quickly, besides the fact that your Dad was violent you were the confidant of your mum which I am sure made you feel guilty for her suffering. It is a wonder it didn't put you off having children yourself.

Ann
Glos

OH just back to say my car passed its MOT so that is something good!!

Ann
Glos

Jenny, please don't worry about what others may think, it's huge sign of strength to be able to express those feelings and memories. Everyone has a past which has contributed to the person they are today. You're a survivor, we are all survivors. It was so brave of Carole to start this thread, and her doing so has allowed many other people to realise they are not alone , we may all be at different stages with our depression & anxieties but we're in this together.
You are one strong girl to have survived what you have, sharing those thoughts will help you release them to a less important point further back in the memory, out of centre front, to live your life despite the past. We don't forget, we try to rise above it.
I too am believed to have suffered with childhood depression, for vastly different reasons than yours, but 'way back then' it was under-recognised. That was then, now there is help and we can all benefit, not just from the meds, but from caring, mutual support.

Please feel absolutely free to unload, it's so cathartic to verbalise the things we have buried, to avoid facing them.

Welcome to the thread Jenny, we send you a group hug.
Mary

PS I wrote the above before reading the second part, my suggestion to put things in the back related to your childhood.
To have suffered many griefs on top of that must be overwhelming, a bigger hug on it's way.
Love
Mary

I wrote my reply too Jenny before reading your second post. Sad to find that your first love died young, and sadder still that you lost your second husband so young. Good that you had three children with him to remember him by though.

I consider myself very fortunate as I married my first real love, who I met at 15, and am still with him, bless him, still love him to bits. (48 years this year).

You have had so much trauma and sadness in your life Jenny, is it any wonder that you are suffering. You need to put it all down as you are doing, I am sure that is cathartic for you.

Ann
Glos

Been to training at work and had to come see how you are now I'm home.
PM'ed to Jenny...(.Often wonder how many read us but don't feel they are ready to come out!! Nice to have you with us xx)
Read through since this morning.
Angie I'm so pleased you have felt welcome here. It can be hard trying to join in with a group who already know each other especially when you are maybe not too confident any way. I hide behind the keyboard! Not normaly a pushy person.

Well at training this morning we were told our stocktake team will soon have a mini bus to use instead of using our own cars and claiming petrol. I do not do busses!! What if .....so many if's but mainly I might need to go to the toilet, it will be
worse the more people in the bus. Panic now starting! It's alright work mates saying you will be ok, but they are not the one who is going to sit in mucky pants stinking the bus out!! (sorry).lol. If we travel in cars I risk make two or three other late in a mini bus if I'm stuck on the loo one morning I make them all late,( more presure), makes it worse.
omg I don't know what to do. I might look for another job, but there aren't any out there who want someone who has just had four months off work with depression. Internal transfer would be the same. I like my job I don't have to work weekends, or a few hours each day it's Monday to Thursday after that I know it's my time. Deep breath.......mind is in a spin.
I'm going to loose sleep over this I know it.

Gail love to you and mil, and your familyxxxx
Y Caz I thought you were not going to be
typing today! Lovely to see you there xxx

Ann G good news about the scar! Pleased it's ok and not infected. If it had been you would have known it from the smell!! xxx

Gill (pm to you) but It's so nice to see you here!! xx

Mary hi. I didn't think it was being brave starting this thread more of a I've had enough of hiding this thing and I'm going to be proud I'm coming out of it!! Hoped others would join in. Never for a moment expected the reaction it got!! No time for family history work, time is spent looking in here to see if
I can help anyone. What a bunch of lovely people I been priviledged to make friends with xxxx

Liz thinking of you xxx

PM'ed Kathy this morning xx

Betty and you !! xxxx

Carolina xxx

Joyce, Deanna, Ann GG, Elaine, Malc. Dave, Ben and all
the others who look in xxxx

My Husband was ill for 6 years, the latter 3yrs were terrible. He told me to go out and find another man to give me all that he could not. But of course I never did.
But it was only 3 months after Dave died that I got involved with someone else. I still feel very guilty about this.
I feel I have to explain this next bit in detail.
Two years previous to my Husband death, my Uncle ( Mum's very younger Brother) who was only just 7years older than me and like a big Brother, was killed in a car accident, decapitated. He had done 19 years in the Army, served in NI 4 times during the terrible times there. Came out and was a Prison Officer. Travelling home at 7am from work when he his car went under a cement mixer. He was just 38 yrs old and left 3 very young children. This really did upset me and to this day I will never forget my beloved Uncle.

His Wife, took me under her wing 2 years later when my Husband died. She was a tower of strength.
Only 3 months after my Husband died she asked me to her New Years Eve party. Mum said it would be ok for me to go, so I did. I had a nice time and a week later my Auntie phoned to say a teacher who I had danced with would like to see me again. After a few phone calls I decided to see him.

I 'fell in love again' I was madly in love for the 1st year, then the next year was not so good. I told him it was all over but he couldn't except it. I did try and make it work, had him back and found myself pregnant at the age of 35yrs. I decided to 'Go it alone' much to his disgust. Wont go into detail, but he went beserk and caused big problems that I had to call the Police twice.

My, or should I say 'Our' 18yrs old Daughter still at home, is the most gorgeous beautiful, sensible girl,
you could ever wish to meet.

More to follow.

Jenny. x

Anyway, trying to cut my post a little shorter as I dont want to bore you all. But I must admit that this is the first time in my life that I have felt able to pour out the whole lot.

Rather than live on Widowed Mothers Allowence, and struggle, I decided to go 'Into the Pub Trade'
I had experience of bar work and was also a Manager of an Off Licence.
I got my first pub in a completley different area. I worked 16 hours 7 days a week and never had a complete day off for 15 Months. My two eldest Daughter's and my 4 Grandsons still live in the area. I miss them so much.
With my Son and Daughter, I then moved further north to a pub in Leeds and then to a pub here in the North East.

More to follow.

Jenny x

After 7 months in my North East pub I 'fell in love' with one of my regulars quite out of the blue. I was not looking for anyone and was totally gobsmacked when it happened.
I can honestly say I have never felt or loved anyone like I do now.

Real Love comes to mind

I gave up my pub licence as he requested, and found somewhere else to live for a few months and then I moved into his batchelor flat with him, with my Daughter and Son. A year later we got married and a year later we bought our first house.

Back in a mo.

I am still with you Jenny. No you are not boring anyone.

ann
glos

We have now been together for 10 years in May and married for just over 7 years.

My Husband has a very good job and we are not short of money. We have lovely home, although have lots of things to do to it.
I am a DIY fanatic and if I can do it rather than pay someone I will do.

BUT my Hubby insists on going out to the pub 5 nights a week. I trust him completley so dont worry on that score. He has a very stressful professional job and does really deserve a pint after work. He comes home first, and a big a meal always waiting for him. Has an couple of hours in the house watching, Tv or a 2 hour sleep and then he is out. I wont go on and on at the mo.
I am just a Servant/Housemaid/Cook etc. etc.

Jenny dear, you are NOT "just" anything, especially a servant. You are blessing your family and your husband with your efforts.
Bless you.
hugs
Mary

what a story Jenny and it all came out right in the end - so pleased for you and so good of you to share your life with us so openly and like has already been said, you ain't JUST anything, you are someone who has made the very best of her life and made a lot of other people happy into the bargain - there a lot who would like to have done the same I'm sure - you are a star!!!

Love Ann XXXX

We both like a drink and it has got out of hand over the last 4 years.
My daytime life revolves round me cleaning up after Hubby and Daughter. Then GR. I can honestly say if it wasnt for GR members I would not be here now.

Our night life revolves me staying in and around Hubby's night out on a Friday with his best friend a Uni teacher, Saurday is his football day with his 5 cronies for 6-10 hours when he comes home absolutley mortal. Dont get me wrong he is never violent or argumentative. I am arguementive when having a few glasses of wine though.
He then goes to his quiz nights on a Tuesday and a Thursday. I could go out with him any of these nights apart from the Fridays. But the Quizz's do not start until 9pm, I am too tired to go.

If he has had a hard day at work he may say " Shall we go for a couple of pints" But only on a Monday or a Wednesday. Occasionally he will suggest going out on a Sunday afternoon.

I cannot post anymore. I am ready to take an Nitol tablet and hope I can get some sleep. Might just take two.

Love to you all.

Jenny xxx

jenny

((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))

I don't know what else to say

Gill