General Chat

Tonight's programme re 'Looking for Dad' has triggered this: I am in my 60's - thus no spring chicken. A year or two back I received compelling circumstantial evidence that the man named on my Birth Cert. was not my biological father. With help from a special person that used to frequent these boards, plus electoral rolls, and 1837 online, I now have a name for 'dad', but it is very unlikely he is still alive. I have contacted his (other) daughter via a 3rd party - at the time I did not know her address - but she has so far not responded - that was almost 6 months ago. Any thoughts anyone? Should I be happy with what I have achieved so far? Or shall I make another attempt to get my half sister to respond? She has a grown family of her own - as I have - but the silence from her is deafening - and defeating! I want to respect her privacy - but I also want to know about my father. What would you do? - if you were me - or if you were her? Rosi

Rosi think i would give it another go, sort of saying "sorry to bother you again but..." maybe a questionairre type thingy would make her more comfortable and an sae (I know you probably did this anyway) good luck hevi

Hi Its hard to know what to do. If I was you I would persist as at the end of the day you have not done any wrong and you have a right to know. Maybe your sister didnt know about you! It may have been a shock to her.I dont blame you for wanting to know. I have found various members of my family but they dont want to know. Give it another try. Good Luck Tracy

Rosi, She may have needed time to get over the shock but it depends on you. If you try again at least you know you tried. Explain that you would like to know a bit about your Dad Love Mary

Rosi I would want to get in touch again and ask if she would respond ,even if it is only to say she is not interested. Perhaps if she was not aware of you she is in denial,I know my auntie did not tell my father that they had a half brother for years,when it came out in the end ,the half brother had had a stroke so they don't know if he knew who they where or not. Brenda

Hello Rosi.. In my opinion you should do everything possible to find out all you can about your father, and if that means trying to establish contact with your half-sister again, then you should do it. Everybody has the right to know about their parentage! Though I do understand that you don't want to alienate her altogether! Slightly different, I know, but I too, have a half-sister,younger than me,(I'm 53, she's in her late 20's) who barely knew I even existed. However, a third party on GenesConnected had her and my father entered on her family tree. I wrote explaining the connection and through her offered to share with my half-sister all I knew of our father including photographs of him as a young man (he died when she was very young), and of her grandparents (who died long before she was born)and ggrandparents etc. A month has now passed but she has yet to get in touch with me. Maybe both your half-sister and mine need time to absorb the shock of finding out about us??? Though if you've waited six months, I think its time to try again! Good Luck! Dierdre X

Hevi - yes you are right! I enclosed an sae in my original letter - to no avail. Tracy - Thanks for your support - I hope you too soon get some response. Mary - thankyou for your response, and support too - it is greatly appreciated. Brenda. - It has occurred to me that I may be the 7th or 27th person that has contacted her similarly ('dad' was a delivery driver), so may be that is why she has not responded! but still........ Thanks everyone - I am encouraged! Rosi

Deidre - you and I must be feeling very much the same - it is so hard to know what to do - and where the line between pushing things too far - and just forgetting it - lies. My figers are crossed for you too! Rosi

Also... she doesn't live that far away - 30 minutes drive ish. I am thinking of at least going to look at her house - and maybe loiter a bit to see if she emerges and who she looks like if she does.. Would that make me a stalker? And is it a good idea? Or am I likely to feature in a future edition of Crimewatch as a suspicious character seen lurking in the area!

Rosi, It does sound a bit stalkerish but I'm sure I'd be doing the same if I were you. Maybe you could become an Avon lady in her area! Crista

Good Luck Tracy

Oh Crista - if you could see me! I am so much NOT an Avon Lady you would not believe! But the idea made me chuckle. Ta! Rosi

Rosi, Maybe you could tempt her to join you for a glass of dry red in the local pub for a chat. If she's related to you, how can she refuse! :-) Crista

Crista - far better that I somehow manage to join you for a glass of dryred when you meet up with several others in the UK. in the not too distant future! Shall I wear my 'shades' and push an invitation through her door? Ask her to join us in darkest .. um..Devonshire.. for a deep discussion...... have run out of d......s now! still chuckling- Rosi

Rosie. We have just managed to contact my wifes half sister. Sorry I know I am boring alot of you with my story. But although we knew she existed as she was 16years older than my wife, she did not know we existed. When we first contacted her she was very confused. Her father had abandoned her in the early 1940's when she was a baby. But he remarried 16 years later had another daughter but did not abandon her. She was in a way, angry. My wife had a father our kids had a grandfather. She had no Father and her daughter had no Granfather. However once we met two weeks ago, she was over the moon. Not only has she got a new sister, She know knows her roots. She could never ask her mother because her mother was so angry that she was left to bring up a child alone. Once we found her she did not reply to our letter, so we picked up the phone. She had been on holiday and had just received our letter that day I phoned. Another thing we did was to be very vague in the letter. We just said we were researching family history and as she had the same maiden name as my wife thought there may be some distant family connection. This gave us an easier way to start the conversation. I also spoke to her husband first, told him the full story so he could break the news to her. Hope it helps. Jim McKinney

Jim- thankyou for telling me your story - it has given me a bit of encouragement. My sister would have been barely a year old when her father had an affair with my mum - and she may never have known about it - I don't know whether he went back to her mother - or not. As it is sixmonths+ now since my letter to her I think I will have another try - but maybe leave it until Christmas and enclose another (shorter) letter and maybe a photograph with a card. Again - thanks for the encouragement. Rosi

Hi Rosi, There is not much I can add to all those who have written before but you must try again. As you know great joy can be found from finding a "long lost Dad" and Mum come to that. That can also apply to brothers and sisters. However, everyone is different, in the same family you can have two brothers who welcome you with open arms and another who is more reserved. Also it may depend on your Dad's partner and what she may have said to influence your half kin. Are there any other children of your Dad's in his "other" family. You may have a different reaction. Anyway love don't give up - you know it can work out. Luv Janet

Hi Janet, I haven't found any other siblings - i think the one I have written to is the only one. And maybe she didn't know about the affair and her/my father never reconciled with her mother. Or he had countless affairs (and maybe other offspring) and her mum wrote him off as a bad lot - making her views of him very clear to her only daughter! As yer would! I do wissh she'd respond tho! If I received such a letter out of the blue I think curiosity would get the better of me - and I would just HAVE to answer! Am very tempted to write to one of her children if I don't get an answer from her after Christmas - but that would be really mean and underhand - wouldn't it?

HI Rosie. In the course of my research I discovered that my grandparents had never married and that my grandad had a wife and child. We did a lot of research to find out who the daughter was as she was born abroad. I also found that she had children and we decided that as she is in her seventies, we would try and contact her daughter to lessen the shock of the news. This proved impossible so in the end my mum wrote to her half sister who we met two weeks ago. There was a lot of confusion, many grey areas, questions that neither of them could answer, but as well the overriding sadness that they had lived only five miles apart the last thirty years and did not know of each others existence. We are not sure where this will go, so much water has flown under the bridge, but who knows what time will bring. If you have an address of one of the children then do write. If only to ask if they feel you should try and get in contact again. After all your original letter might have got lost in the post. There is always the chance she does not want to know anything about her fathers liaison, but your neice might be more inquisitive. I don't think its underhand, just be honest and explain your shock at discovering how you are related and how now you nkow this you realy need to know more. Good luck! Barbara

Barbara - thank you for your encouraging reply. It is interesting that you suggest contacting the daughter - I think you are right- females are likely to be more curious that sons. I will have to go back to 1837 Online and try to find a marriage for her- but yes it is the way forward. Thankyou for your encouragement and am glad for you for your success. Rosi