General Chat

My mum, who was born in Stratford, East London, in 1935 has been recently widowed after nearly 46 years of marriage. She has suddenly changed personality and has become very bitter and self-centred. Is this a natural process to follow the death of a loved one?

Jane There are no hard and fast rules in bereavement and it's difficult to understand what the person is going through unless you've been in the same situation yourself. My dad died 30 years ago - he was only 53 and mum was 52. They'd been married 30 years and had known each other since they were 11. I was expecting my first baby at the time and so mum was able to focus on that but she tended to take control and life became very difficult for several years. Every now and again a bitterness creeps in if one of her sisters bemoans the fact that her husband doesn't do what she wants him to and mum's view then is that at least she still has a husband ... It's bound to be very difficult for you both. I know mum didn't seem to realise that I lost a father when she lost her husband, which I found strange at the time as she was always very caring, and thought of others before herself. It is probably their way of coping ... and at the end of the day we want them to be able to cope. My mother-in-law's story is different again, and she wanted everyone to do everything for her. I'm assuming your mother's husband was your father - and feel for you in your loss. I would like to be able to understand how you must be feeling but because I've now spent more of my life with mine as a memory rather than a day-to-day physical part, I can only guess. Just wear kid gloves and remember that grief affects different people in many different ways. Sue

Jane I feel for you, my mum went just the same after my dad died. They had been married 43 years. She has managed to turn everyone against her and as I live so far away she is now a very lonely woman. I have tried to explain why her other family, children, grandchildren, g grandchildren stay away but she doesn't believe she says or does anything wrong. I am only able to cope with her in small doses cause I live away but do try to phone her each week. I'd love to have a close relationship with her but she makes it soooo hard. I hope when you mum has had time to grieve she reverts back to her happier self.

Hallo Jane, I am sorry to read of your recent loss. There are many stages to grief; a period of trying to "normalise" life without the loved one, then a period of denial and anger (towards oneself, other family members and the loved one you have lost), finally the time when relationships reform. It is a very natural process. I would hesitate to say that eventually we "accept" a bereavement, because I don't think you can ever "accept" the death of a loved one. Personally I feel that we learn to live with it. I lost my first husband in tragic circumstances, after almost 10 years of marriage. For the first five years after his death and despite having happily remarried, I still thought about him in one way or another at least once a day. It was ten years before I had trouble remembering the actual date of the day he died. Eighteen years on I can still feel anger at things he said and did. To lose your partner of 46 years, must be overwhelming. We cannot hurry the process of grief. You can only provide love and support, reassuring your mum that despite how she must feel at the loss of her husband you are still here for her. Remember your needs too. Patsy, Calgary, Canada WHAT IS DEATH? Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference in your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it ever was. Let it be spoken without affect, without the trace of a shadow on it Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same that it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. (Henry Scott Holland 1847-1918)

Hi Jane Sorry to hear of your loss. My Dad died nearly 2 years ago after nearly 39 years of marriage to my Mum. Like Pat, my Dad died suddenly without illness - a few yards from their house on his way to work. All my Mum could say was how undignified it was to die in the street. I'm sure he wouldn't have chosen to die there. And all I wanted to ask her was why a qualified nurse like herself didn't try to resuscitate him, but I bit my tongue. And like Sue she didn't seem to realise that we had lost our Dad as well as her losing a husband. As the eldest I felt I had to hold things together while everyone else was falling apart. I kept telling myself it was what Dad would have done but all I really wanted to do was scream 'what about me?'. It's too late in the day for me to drag all this up with my Mum now but perhaps you could talk to your Mum about it. Tell her how she is behaving (maybe she doesn't realise) and tell her how you feel. I know from personal experience it doesn't do any good bottling it all up. And don't forget to take a big box of Kleenex! Two years on Mum doesn't keep rattling on about how unfair it all is and everything is just about normal. You don't really get over it, you just learn to live with it. I still miss Dad terribly but I know he is still around keeping an eye on us. Big hugs to you and your Mum. Jeanette

Jane When my father died suddenly 36 years ago at first my mum seemed to cope she even joked about not having sweaty socks to wash etc .Then suddenly she began to be against my family my husband was her 1st target she just ref used to have anything to do with him at all, Then it was the turn of my children even the youngest one who was only a baby. What she really wanted was for me (only child) to return home and look after her and wouldn't listen to any explanations that although I loved her and would help her my husband and children came first She then resorted to sending messages to my house to say she was ill, but when went to see her she would have the table set with the best cloth and china and tell me how nice it was to have me back home One day a relative came me to tell me the usual story and as I had arranged to go down later in the day to take her on a picnic I said we would be down as soon as possible I arrived and this time found that she really was ill My husband went for the doctor but my mum died in my arms before he arrived The doctor said she had just given up and died of a broken heart as it was just 6mths after my dad's death I have a School photo of them when they were 6years old in the infant class they had been married for 34 years Bereavement affects people in many ways, some blame themselves for the death others are angry at the person who died for leaving them behind Some need help but won't admit it others beome highly dependent on friends and family. In some cases they have an abnormal grief reaction which lasts or months Just try and be there for her but don't encourage dependence Love to you and your mum Bren

My wonderful father died 18 yrs ago next month and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.I had a better relationship with him than my mother(for reasons that are too painful to go into)While dad was alive I could cope with mum and her nastyness towards me' my husband and children.When dad died suddenly Mum seemed to be like the mum I should have.she wasn't nasty to me and mine and I didn't have to compete with my younger brother and his family.Since I was a child I had known she had always put him first above all else but he was my brother and I loved him.Then after the mourning period of a couple of years she turned very nasty.Myself and my family couldn't do a thing right and she was for ever running my husband and children down.I tried talking to her but she was the sort of person who ALWAYS had to have the last word so I couldn't even reason with her.Just a couple of months before she died she was on one again and when I said to her Mum why don't you like Ken she said well he lied to me..This got me thinking when in hells name did he talk to her ( he kept his distance as he knew what she was like) I said mum what do you mean....Well she said he promised me when you got married he would go back to sea............We had at this time been married 36 yrs...she had held this grudge all this time, and because of this she died a lonely woman.Yes I know she missed dad.We all did but things could have been much better if she could have just been pleased that I married a wonderful man and that we were still together. Loosing dad made her more bitter as the years wore on and there was no way back for either of us.

hi i lost my husband nearly 7 years ago he was 37 we had 3 young sons they kept me going but i blamed my husband for leaving me. now i blame myself, what have i done wrong in my life to deserve this. it was so hard because we lost 5 family members in 18 months. i think thats why i feel bitter at times. hugs to you all. irene