General Chat

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, i.e. Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3.pm. and Playboy 6.9. And successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried, had lots of bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.00 at the same time, only to discover that when these systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tend to use up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and e-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbostrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is. attachments and Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it frequently crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which cannot be turned off. Recently, I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2004; it tends to delete all Money files before uninstalling itself. Please advise. Norah in Hampshire

Hi Wendy Glad you like it. I thought it was brilliant, it was in the paper one morning, so yes that's probably what you couldn't open, can't really remember - it's all this GC stuff, gets -me 'ead in a tizz - Huge Hug Norah

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Get the last word in: Apologize. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use The Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut save you thirty pence? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Why is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue? You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hang around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

After reading the above I thought I could write a sequel: IT Support Dept. Office above the Café Sühbaatar Square Ulan Bator. Mongolia. Dear John, It has taken me some time to track you down since IT Support was outsourced to Ulan Bator. I know this is a bit of a liberty but I would really appreciate your advice. I hope you don’t mind getting this as hard copy but, for reasons explained below, I have no current access to e-mail facilities. I am reliably informed that if I seal this paper in an “envelope” with your address on the front I can buy a prepayment sticker from those people who stuff the junk mail through my letterbox and they will fly it half-way round the world to you. Amazing really; and I don’t even have to take out a contract. You will probably recall my original problem with the “Wife 1” program (and its child processes) and the possible installation of Mistress 2004. Well, in spite of your strong advice to the contrary I thought I had the problem cracked. When I got a promotion and began to travel extensively I created a separate partition complete with firewall and password and installed Mistress 2004. Of course I ran Gym 2.1 and Jogging 3 on a regular basis to make sure that my hardware was in tip top condition. At first I was very apprehensive but it all seemed to work very well with neither program able to detect the other. I did wonder for a while if my hardware would be able to cope with the additional demand but things soon settled down and regular use of Viagra 1.4 ensured optimum performance. I even installed “Wild Night Out 4.2” with great success but, as I am sure you will have guessed, this pleasant situation could not continue for long. You are aware of the propensity of the Girlfriend programs to want to upgrade to Wife 1 (or Wife 2 if they know Wife 1 is already installed). I thought I could handle this, but not so. The increasing pressure led me to install Booze 2004 and, as things got more difficult I increasingly resorted to this program with the inevitable effect on my hardware. Things finally came to a head when, heavily under the influence of Booze, I agreed to the upgrade…. I will gloss over the next few months. Installing Wife 2 without first uninstalling Wife 1 is, of course, illegal. Discovery was inevitable, especially after Wife 1 installed some Spyware so, after the intervention of various Police, Court and a very expensive Legal program, I am now a guest of Her Majesty in the William Gates Open Prison. There are “experts” here on just about any subject you can name but, in view of their current address” I suppose their expertise is open to question, hence this “letter” to you, since Her majesty doesn't allow her guests access to the internet. I have been approached by a fellow inmate who has offered me a copy of the GetRichQuick program for a very modest outlay. He says that once I have installed it with direct access to my bank account he will be able to transfer funds from his very wealthy relatives in Nigeria. The software, he assures me, is foolproof and will deduct 30% commission before transferring the balance on to his associates in Macedonia. What do you think? 1. Is it legal? 2. Will it work? and 3. Is there a catch. I must say it looks very promising to me. Please let me have your opinion ASAP as I will be out of here in a few weeks and I am anxious to get started. Regards Bob

Great Jokes. If you all carry on like this, I'm going to be spending all my time copying and pasting and emailing to friends, and none at all on genealogy, to say nothing of housework. Di.

Hi Bob in Redditch What a whizz you are! That's a cracker!! - Just love it - any more sequels up your sleeve? Norah in Hampshire

Spotted these in the Mail yesterday: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed the new programme began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 disables other valuable programs such as Dinnerdancing 7.5. Cruise-ship 2.3 and Operanight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Pokernight 1.3 Saturdayfootball 5.0 Golf 2.4 and Cluttereverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will Nappychanging 14.1 or Housecleaning 2.6 will run. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0 but this all—purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help? This is a common problem women complain of, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment package. However, Husband 1.0 is an operating system and was designed to run as few applications as possible. Further you cannot purge husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 Any new programme files can only be installed once a year as Husband 1.0 has limited memory. In desperation to play some of their ‘old-time’ favourite applications, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0 However; these women end up with more problems than under Boyfriend 5.0 or Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under ‘Warnings: Divorce/Child Support’ you will find that this runs poorly and comes bundles with ‘Heartbreak 1.3’ Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, might I suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs) This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0 secretly installed by the parent company. Husband 1.0 must assume responsibility for all faults and problems regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command C:\ I thought you loved me’ sometimes. Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH.TIP Avoid excess use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately you may have to give a C:\Apologise command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpysilence 2.5 or worse, Beer 6.0 a bad programme that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fatbelly files. Consider buying extra software to improve Husband 1.0 performance. I recommend Hotfood 3.0 Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years, you will find valuable embedded features in Husband 1.0 such as Fixesbrokenthings 2.1 and Bestfriend 7.6. A word of caution: do not install motherinlaw 3. Norah

Girlfriend upgrades I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Norah, on a different thread, i said you were treasure, i now up grade that to " DYNAMIC" Bob

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? A vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible P.S. Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?

COWPAT DEMOCRACY A Quick and Easy Guide To Understanding Political Ideologies : FASCISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. FEUDALISM - You have 2 cows. Your Lord takes some of the milk. PURE COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours take care of them and you all share the milk. APPLIED COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you. NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich. MILITARISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and drafts you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in your apartment. PURE DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY - The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for them. After the election the President is impeached for speculating in Cow futures. The Press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract. BRITISH DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that its takes both, shoots one and milks the other, pouring the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms regarding the missing cows. CAPITALISM - You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a Bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM - You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile,you kill the 2 cows because of bad Feng Shui. TOTALITARIANISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol if the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender. SURREALISM- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Andy oop North Thanks for your input - they are brilliant. Thank goodness I was born here and learnt our language naturally!!! Norah

OK, some more: TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math sums on the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables! TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it! TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: I know!! It's "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY: Me! TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are! TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, no, Ellen. Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" DANIEL: "Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day, and at the same time." TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now why do you think his father didn't punish him?" PAUL: "Because George still had the axe in his hand." TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? SAM : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher! It's the same dog! TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher!!

Great stuff Andy 'oop North. Keep 'em coming.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0 ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Currently running Batchelor 5.0 and its absolutly fantastic. It comes with BoozyNitesOut 3.0 and BoozyNitesIn 4.0 Flatuence 6.0 and OneNiteStand 2.0 amoung lots of other applications. I upgraded to this a few years back from Batchelor 4.0 which had to be run with LivingAtMums 1.0, unfortunatly this meant losing some valuable applications such as CleanLaundry4.1 and NutriousFood 6.5. But the freedom of the upgrade out ways the loss of these applications so i don't really miss them.

Hullo all you clever people, I enjoyed all the content of this thread, however a question was asked, "why boesn't 'buick' rhyme with 'quick'?" answer, A 'buick' is a motorvehicle. if it rhymed with 'quick', it would be a PEN. (bik)

Hey Bob, I'm not one of the clever people, my brain didn't think up those that I put on this thread. They are ones that I have seen and thought others might enjoy reading too - like wot you did. Cheers Norah