General Chat

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowel, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

GCSE Religious Education In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of Creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the Genitals When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. St Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. Humour thy father and mother Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods The 10th leopard when he had lost his spots went back to say thank you

And Now For The Notices The pastor will be leaving tonight, and we will be having a service of singing and praise. The Rev. McArthur spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. Please welcome Pastor Cowden, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Miss Shirley Neilson sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Margaret remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Turnball's sermons. Matthew Hains and Jamie Waters were married on Oct 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A drunk boards a train and sits himself by a priest and begins to read a newspaper. After a bit he looks and says "Tell me father what causes Arthritis?" This was just the opening the priest had been waiting for "I will tell you what causes arthritis, my man" he said with some passion "Its immoral living, too much drinking and smoking and other sins of flesh. How long have you had it?" "Oh its not me father" Said the drunk "Its just that it says here that the Popes got it.”

A preacher was winding up his sermon against the evils of drink with great fervour: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!" The preacher sat down. The song leader stood up and announced: "For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 365, 'Shall we gather at the River.'"

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: 'Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.' 'The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.' 'I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.' 'If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.' 'Remember, this is a friendly community.'

Tony and his wife Alison went to the Lowestoft Air show every year. Every year Tony would say, "Ali', I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane." And every year Ali' would say, "I know, Tony, but that aeroplane ride costs ten pounds, and ten pounds is ten pounds." This one year Tony and Ali' went to the fair and Tony said, "Ali' , I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance. " Ali' replied, "Tony, that there aeroplane ride costs ten pounds, and ten pounds is ten pounds." The pilot Rainer, overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten pounds." Tony and Ali' agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Tony, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt." Tony replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Alison fell out, but ten pounds is ten pounds."

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

The difficulty of a healthy translation :- Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases. A building in Nairobi: Mental health prevention centre. In a Pumwani maternity ward: No children allowed. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists. Tourist agency, Czech Republic: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

Actual hospital notes On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it had completely disappeared. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. She was divorced last April. No other serious illness. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious. Patient was released to the outpatient department without dressing. Dr Blank is watching his prostate. The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other people. Patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist. The patient refused autopsy. The patient has no history of suicides. Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her forties.

Things you do not want to hear under local anaesthetic Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Fido! Comeback with that. Bad Dog! Wait a minute; if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch? Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. Hello, I'm Dr. Squiffy.....

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, and national health number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A man left the streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife, on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Close, Holding was the bowler.

I haven't laughed so much and for so long in ages, thankyou. Here's one that always makes me laugh no matter how often i repeat it. A cricket commentator introducing the teams "The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey"

More footbal quotes: 'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' - David Beckham 'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka 'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham 'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall 'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton 'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi 'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' - Ian Wright 'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu 'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.' - Jonathan Woodgate 'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce 'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' - Lee Hendrie 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian Rush 'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas 'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison 'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham 'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.' - Phil Neville 'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' -Mitchell Thomas One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' -Alan Shearer 'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' - Johnny Giles 'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry. 'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' - Les Ferdinand

Actual writings on Mpumalanga (Old Eastern Transvaal) hospital charts: 1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 2. The patient refused autopsy. 3. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 4. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 5. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 6. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 7. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 8. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 9. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 10. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 12. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 13. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 14. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 15. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 16. She is numb from her toes down. 17. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 18. The skin was moist and dry. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.(found in the neck). 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 26. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.