General Chat

Hi I was wondering if anyone out there can help me by sharing their divorce experiences? In particular the handling of "unruly" children.My problem is that my ex wife has had a tendency to "use" the children as weapons to an end result of my twin daughters (age 13 and a half) to treat me with little or no respect because of what mum tells them.We are both now in other relationships and have in fact been divorced for almost 3 years with ongoing financial settlements.After a nightmare Sunday with my daughters I feel my only option is not to see them for the forseeable future as they actually rang 999 and told the police a load of nonsense yesterday and said they would be glad if I got sent to prison!Also comments like you deserved to lose your mum (there nana)at the end of Februrary just gone.This is the reason I joined GC to pay tribute to my mum and actually sort out our tree. Anyway will the harrasment ever stop from ex wives\ husbands or is it simply par for the course? Any comments would be appreciated so come on all you "D" club members share those feelings and solutions. Problem is daughters live with their mum and our son of almost 15 lives with me.Main problem is that they tend to fight a lot as most young teenagers do( as I did with my own brothers!)We are powerless in disciplining children today even at school teachers seem powerless. I have tried the softly softly approach and due to intense pressure I always "lose" it and start shouting in frustration of not smacking them which I do not believe in. Cheers, Jeff.

Jeff, They are young and at a very impressionable age. They will grow out of it Im sure. Sheila

hi jeff im sorry to hear of troubles and im sure things will get better with time, so im told as i have problems with my 14 half year old going on 30, im told its their age.its most unfair that children are used as pawns when a marraige dose not work out. tracy

Jeffrey Whatever you do PLEASE do not cut off contact with your children.Im the child of a divorced couple. I lived with my dad first while my Mum went and enjoyed her freedom. My stepmum then moved in, tried to stop contact with my mum and so I went to live with her. As a result my dad severed all contact and I have not seen him for 12 years which hurts like hell. I know I was difficult when they first divorced, particularly when we first went to live with Mum, but I did grow out of it. I said some horrible things to her. Some of it is teenage angst, some of it is just needing time to adjust. They will still be going through much confusion, particularly when you add new partners to the scene. Time and more maturity will help Im sure but the worst thing you could do is give up on them believe me. When dad cut off contact I totally blamed myself and still have very low self esteem and have trouble trusting people. I know its difficult but please persevere or they will only be damaged more than they already are. There is nothing you can do about their mother other than refuse to play the games. I know it must be frustrating but if you dont join in then in the end they will come to see who has been the wronged party. I hope this is of some help to you. Good luck in whatever you decide Lindsey

Chin up Jeff. Opt to meet your daughters at a neutural venue Eg Pizza Hut Or Macdonalds. ( so they cant use your phone ! ) Don't say anything negative about their mother in front of them. If it is possible try to see them one at a time as they can't gang up on you if ther'e not together ! If they say " you did this & you did that ", change the subject, & say that you will answer their questions when they can behave & speak to you like adults. I am a stepmum ( oh yes, very evil ! )of a 20 year old. My husband was divorced when we started seeing each other 14 years ago. I have always maintained to stepdaughter that I was not replacing her mum. Hubbys ex wife ( who divorced him....they married young & she diddn't want him anymore ) Would never speak to him ( He did nothing wrong ! ), Would tell tales, all untrue, to stepdaughter. My stepdaughter never buys a birthday card for her dad. Sees us rarely, and will probably never marry because her mum has put her off for life ! It makes me sick that even now she shows her dad no respect. Just do your best Jeff and have a clear concience that you have done the right thing....if your girls turn against you, it's your ex's fault, not yours. Elaine x

Hello Jeff I have never gone through the hell of divorce, but unfortunately my daughter has (he found a younger model). Luckily she never made the mistake of trying to keep her children, a girl of 12 and a boy of 10 from their father, or to call him to them. So they stayed on friendly terms with him, although it did make their daughter feel she couldn't trust men, if she couldn't even trust her own dad. Please try and keep in contact however difficult it is but I would also suggest to write them letters, even if you don't send them, telling them how you feel. At a later date it may be possible for you to give them these letters, so that when they have got over this stage, as they will, they will realise that you loved them all along and only wanted the best for them. Teenagers can be monsters, I was one myself once. Wishing you all the best Norah