General Chat

I became a Grandmother in February last year to a dear little boy. This morning I went shopping and I saw a little wooden tool set in a bag suitable for toddlers to carry around with them. I told my daughter-in-law what I had got him for Christmas (I start early) She sounded a bit disapointed and she said she was going to send a list round to the family telling them what he would need. Am I old fashioned or is this a new trend?

Dear Jackie, Thanks for your reply, it made me feel better. I do tend to do a few things wrong sometimes with my daughter in law, although I never intend to. Jo.x.

Joanne, I think it's rather cheeky sending a list round asking for presents. People buy what they can afford and what they feel would please. You obviously love your grandson very much, and your daughter-in-law is well blessed to have such a lovely mother-in-law and grandmother to her son. I am sure your grandson will be thrilled with his pressie so don't worry about offending what seems to me a rather demanding daughter-in-law. Kathy xx

Hello Joanne, God preserve us from "lists"! They're yet another example of a western world out of control, a "demand" led society in which people demand their "rights" or articulate their expectations. I'm someone who enjoys selecting and giving presents, rather than receiving them. When anyone asks me "what would you like for Christmas/ your birthday" , I'm always embarrassed, because I wasn't brought up to create a "list". Sorry to sound rather forthright, but I don't think you're wrong in any way to stay with what you're used to and feel comfortable with. Stick with it, kid! Philip

Joanne I'm sure you're not doing it wrong. But speaking from the perspective of a working mum with a 5 year old and 2 year old, with 2 doting grandmother's and a doting childminder who sees herself as a godparent I think I can see where problems can arise. Grandparents and other close relatives often spend more money on presents than others, and because they know a child well will hit exactly on what he or she would really appreciate. Sometimes, though, us mum's like to buy the thing that our child most wants. I know that even though everyone means well and is generous, I have been really upset a couple of times when I've been pipped at the post with a particular birthday or xmas present I wanted to buy by someone close to me. Maybe I'm just over sensitive because I work full time and don't see as much of my kids as I want to - so I want to make the special occasions just right. An example is my daughter's first xmas when I had set my heart on being the one who brought her her first doll and spent a lot of time choosing it. I let all my relatives know so there would be no embarassment. But on xmas eve we were an aunt of my husband's. She unexpectedly (she had never done it for our son) produced a present and asked if our daughter could open it then as she would like to see her do it. We agreed- and it was a doll, almost the same as the one that I had waiting under our tree. I was heartbroken but made sure I didn't let on. Another difficulty has been when money has been tight and we've bought as much as we can afford, to find that our childminder has bought something more expensive or on more than one occasion a more expensive version of the same thing. Again, well meant, but it can make an already guilt-ridden mum feel a complete failure even though you know you should be thankful that someone thinks enough of your child to spend so much on them. And if you try to explain how you feel, people think you are being ungrateful so you just end up keeping quiet and feeling worse. It's hard for inlaws on both sides I think, and it takes a lot of work to get it right. Sometimes it doesn't work out even when you do your best so it just comes down to appreciating each other's perspective. Angela :)

hi jo i think its a lovely present, i became a nanny this year in feb. i tend to buy educational toys and books, poor katie at 4 months has a shelf of books which i read to her and show her the pictures, i have her during the week while her parents work. I have playtime with katie where i sing nursery rhymes,and show her different toys and sounds, we also do a garden walk and smell the flowers and look at the butterflies and bees. My daughter phones at least 5 times a day for updates, and tells me how to do things as if i haven't had 5 myself. She's a lovely mum and so's dad to katie. She even told me how to decorate the nursery in my house, and we compromised, katie now has a winnie the pooh mural,with dragon flys flowers bees etc which i painstakingly did last weekend as the plasterer had finished the room. perhaps your daughter in law is a bit worried about him having a tool kit, she probably thinks he'll bang and saw the house to pieces, as for lists, i think its a bit of a cheek. i would be a bit shocked if mine did that. Being a nanny sometimes is hard work,to please everyone, but we have the pleasure of our grandchildren, which is most important. take care sandra

I agree totally about the list! Whatever difficulties I have with relatives and birthdays, I would never push a list on anyone because it makes it clear you are expecting presents, and presents that cost a certain amount. Lists are for weddings!!!! I just make sure I tell people what I'm getting to avoid duplication. Sometimes it works, sometimes not - depends on how far ahead people shop. Angela

I would not take offence at your daughter -in-law, I am sure that she would not want you to be upset. But just to put the mothers point of view- Our 2 year old has so many toys- the house is full to bursting, and each birthday/Christmas we get more- with nowhere to put half of them. My family generally now give her money- just small amounts as they can afford, and whatever she receives goes into her savings account for when she is 18. I feel at 2 she will not miss out on not getting yet more toys, and the money will be a nice start for her adult life. So maybe your daughter in law was just feeling a bit overwhelmed with toys at the time!!! Don't take it to heart though, just put it down to sleep deprivation of a hardworking mother!!

the little tool set sounds brilliant :-) my son and daughter have both become parents to daughters in the last few months and my husband, their step father is going to make the little girls a dolls house each - and have one at our house so the girls can play with it when they visit . my daughter in law is delighted - even though it will be a while before the houses are completed and sent (theirs to the other side of the world -) and my daughter is over the moon as well ,

Hi Jo I think the little tool set sounds brilliant (and I start my Christmas shopping in the summer too!). I certainly wouldn't have put lists around when our son was little; my parents ask if there's anything in particular he'd like and I might give a few ideas for them to choose from. The only thing I can think of is maybe your daughter-in-law has had duplicates in the past and wants to avoid this happening? But it's the thought that counts - the fact that you've chosen a lovely gift that the little chap will enjoy is far better than just writing a cheque to save yourself the bother (and that's not a dig at people giving money, it's a dig at people who just can't be bothered to choose something suitable!!). You're a caring grandma Jo, and don't forget it! Love Mandy :)