General Chat

Andy I can totally relate to that last lot! Christine

Most of these apply to me,lol ---------------------------------- 1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Lol.. Andy! That was good! Lindy;-))

I remember once my mum telling me about a bloke who had flash at her on the common, so she told him to do it again which he did, she then looked at him and said was it worth it and walked away. I just cracked up laughing.

Had to say thanks for these. We are laughing our heads off. Do you mind if we copy them and send them to people that we feel need a good laugh please? Chris

hope you dont mind but im going to print these of brilliant!! got caught out last nite.. tina did you hear about the 3 irish twins? i said no! ewww lol tina xx

Brilliant, Andy!!! Take top prize! kola! Philip

HI ANDY VERY FUNNY, lmao lol sandra

Andy - I don't know what are funnier - the instructions or your comments. Great, keep them coming Janet

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. -------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. -------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) ------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? ------------------------------------------------------------------ 10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ------------------------------------------------------------------ 11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!) -------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) --------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) ------------------------------------------------------------------ 14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) ----------------------------------------------------------------- 15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) ----------------------------------------------------------------- 16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?) -------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) ------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) ------------------------------------------------------------------ 19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) ------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

like it andy... :-))

Nice one Andy :0) Sue:-)

Great Andy, very funny. I'd love to be that quick, I always think of the smart answer too late. Christine

Liked those Andy. They're the kind of answers I always wish I had at the time but don't think of til it's too late. Off to bed laughing now! Jeanette

Found these earlier, enjoy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Snappy Answer #5 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- And the VERY BEST snappy answer .... Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.