General Chat

I agree with Linda and Jeanette about parenting classes. I run creches for the parenting groups whilst the classes are on. These groups last for 2 hours, once a week for 8 weeks. I have 4 grown up children (all of whom were smacked occasionally!) and 4 grandchildren and was a registered childminder for 25 years. I attended a group just out of interest - I didn't think I could learn anything new about child rearing. I found it very informative, talking through various scenarios that could occur between parents and children. Some of the Mums that come to the classes (which are free, but you may be asked for a donation) just come for the free 2 hours child care at first, but most end up learning a lot. Our last class for this session was a first aid course for parents and carers of young children, and was very well attended. I think all the Mums gain something from these courses, even if it's just alternative ways of disciplining your child without resorting to a smack. The parenting classes are also being held for Dads in the evenings as a trial to see how well they are attended. If anyone gets the chance to go on one of these courses, do try and go. They are for 0-6years, 6-12 years and teenagers. Your health visitor, clinic, school or playgroup should have posters or flyers advertising the courses in your area. Sue

I think parents today are much more aware of the psychological dangers of too much smacking than my generation was when we brought up our children in the 60s. I used to smack mine on the legs for really bad or rude behaviour and they and I thought that was the norm - my parents had done it and i had not suffered unduly. i have to add that both my children grew up into well balanced adults and are now parents. one has been known to smack their children very occasionally when extremely naughty although the threat was usually sufficient. Their punishment was usually to sit on the stairs isolated from the rest of the family. The other has never smacked either of their children and the punishment is the same - sit on the stairs. The three older boys (who were very occasionally smacked) are very well adjusted polite teenagers, never in trouble plenty of friends good at school. the oldest of the two never smacked is eight very good plenty of friends at school, exuberant and noisily excitable but well behaved. The youngest is only two. We, as grandparents can take all of them them anywhere and know they will be well behaved. So they have all been treated differently and all seem to have ended up the same. the difference is that they were none of them beaten in the true sense of the word which is what the new bill is meant to prevent. They were lightly smacked, it has done them no harm, they are not psychologically damaged. They do not go around hitting other people, Those who beat their children will continue to do so, a law will not stop them because they are bullies. I think this is an intrusive law, parents should be allowed to decide on the punishment for their children. To get back to where I started, because of the awareness nowadays that there are other more effective punishments, very few people do smack their children unecessarily. Ann Glos

Hi Fee, I've been a nanny for 18 years and have been through 8 toddlers in total (not all at once!). I've cared for new-borns up to 12 year olds & currently look after a toddler & 4 year old. Personally, I don't smack. I used to use it as 'the last resort' but I found methods that work just as well--and involve less guilt! It was when I saw a mother yell at her child as she slapped him "DON'T hit your brother!", that I realised it wasn't for me anymore! Every parent/carer finds their own methods to suit each child and each situation, but I can recommend a few tricks! Firstly, it's worth looking at triggers for naughty behaviour--tiredness, your own stress level, foods, if he's under the weather or teething. That way you can prepare for them a bit more, and try to keep things calm if you can see a potential tantrum brewing. I find the best method in most cases is to completely ignore the behaviour you don't like (which has been shown to good effect in 'Little Angels'!) Distraction is always useful with little ones. If this doesn't work, and depending on your little boy's age, a few minutes on 'the naughty step' or 'time out corner' works very well. The child can sit close to you, or in the next room, and has time to think over what they have done. Once I've used it, I usually find the threat of the naughty step is enough. Older children can be sent to their room (though I have only ever had one child that I have held the door shut on, as in 'Little Angels'!) Toddlers often respond well to having both their hands firmly held for a few minutes--this can work very well for toddlers who hit their siblings, or in dangerous situations like touching then oven. They don't like it and will soon learn to avoid it happening again. Stickers are a fab reward, rather than rewarding with sweets. star charts work for kids from around 2 1/2. Above all, if you use your common sense, expect good manners from early on, keep a sense of humour and let your kids know they are loved to bits, you can't go wrong! My most important rule in raising kids is that I never EVER pull away from a cuddle first--it makes such a difference to the quality of a cuddle!

Im very interested to read all the replies.Although I prefer not to smack our son,I will raise my voice and distract him with something else.He is very young yet but needs to understand not to touch certain things and I try and use words like burny etc. to try and teach him not to touch but he laughs at me and makes me melt and I have a wee giggle to myself when he isnt looking.Its a learning curve for both him and I.All in a lifetime!

I think that a law on smacking will be a total waste of time. This applies to both a total or partial ban. No reasonable parent would ever want to "hurt" their child. They may believe in a small smack and would not resort to anything stronger. It is the unreasonable parents that do physically abuse their children that this law is meant to be aimed at. Surely common sense tells us that physical abuse of children is wrong. We do not need a law to tell us that. The sort of parents that do abuse their children would not take any notice of a law on smacking. They will carry on abusing their children law or no law. It's just the same as "wife beaters", there is a law against that, but it still happens. Janet

Its nice to know there are so many sensible , loving and caring parents on this site, it bodes well for the future. When you look at how the politicians behave in Parliament it makes me shudder to think that they think they have the right to tell parents how to bring their children up!! Dedrah

I don't believe in smacking as a first resort - reasoning is always best. I use my front door mat as a "naughty mat". When my son or daughter are naughty I send them to sit on the mat and ask them to count to a number that I decide - the more naughty they've been the higher the number. It works, and also made my son the best at counting in his playschool when he was 3 (as a result of the terrible 2s)!!!!!! If I don't feel that's enough, I set my kitchen timer for a number of minutes and they have to sit there till it beeps. When they've counted or the timer beeps I go to them and ask if they understand why I've made them sit there, then we talk about why what they did was wrong. Sometimes I withdraw privileges and explain why - eg taking a favourite toy away for a day or two, or withholding tv (not that they watch much). But I have smacked my son a couple of times when I thought it was the best course of action, and stand by my right to do so. The first time was when he reached up and tried to play with the flames on the gas cooker. The second when he pushed his 18 month old daughter out of the front door and shut it on her because he decided he didn't want her any more. Both times I told him why I'd smacked him. He and my daughter are happy and well adjusted. Angela

Hi Fee B, There are lots of interesting comments here, and I for one am appalled at a proposed 'blanket ban' on smacking and the idea that the police will have to 'use their discretion' when prosecuting - that just cries out for discrepancies and unfairnesses in the system. As someone has already intimated, all other animals, and we are animals after all, chastise their young when necessary. However, you did ask a question - am I being silly? I think not silly, but unwise. I have 4 children, and am step-mother to 3 more, all now grown up, and I did find that they all needed to be treated differently. When one of my daughters was little, I only had to look at her in a certain tone of voice and she knew that she had done something unacceptable. One of my sons didn't respond to anything much in the way of reason, raised voice, removal of privileges or anything other than a smart slap. He didn't need many, but when he was old enough to reminisce, his comment was that it was the only way he was sure that I really meant that I was saying to him!!! My point is that you need to be a parent to your son, not just a pal. He needs you to do what is in his best interests, not just to keep him smiling at all costs. If he is able to twist you round his little finger, he will quickly learn to play you off against his father to get his own way. You are at least partly responsible for the kind of person he will become, and he is 'becoming' from the day he is born. You owe it to him to help him be the best he can be and in order to do that he needs to learn boundaries. The idea that he may need a smack or two along the way is not the end of the world. A 'running wild' teenager is not a pretty sight! The fact that you are agonising over this indicates that you are a good Mum who ultimately has your son's best interests at heart, so enjoy him, and any more you may eventually have, but for his sake, be his Mum!! He cannot grow up to be a rounded human being, a 'good man', without a few tears along the way, his and yours.

hi fee,mine depends..i believe in smacking as it never did me any harm but it doesnt always work.ive got three children the eldest ive only ever had to raise my voice and that still works.the middle one gets a smack now and again but as a last resort,putting him in bed and grounding works better.the little one gets a tap on his hand but hes only 18mths so doesnt fully understand yet.you should be able to pick the punishment that suits your child..i dnt agree with people telling you what you can or cnt do,obviously some people take it too far but thats not the majority of people.my middle child is four and when he's showing off or going too far i threaten to pull his pants down and let everyone laugh at him but luckily ive not had to do it yet.xx

I also use the counting to three method followed my a short sharp slap on the botty if the naughty behavior doesn't stop on my youngest. As has been said it usually does before you get to three. My eldest is 15 and the same size as me. Wouldn't think of smacking her cos I reckon she could pack a right good punch! lol. Instead she either gets grounded or her mobile phone taken away etc. Philip I know what you mean about these Mums (and some Dads it has to be said) screaming at their kids etc. Perhaps a parenting class would help but how you would get them to attend I don't know. You would probably be met with the same verbal abuse as their kids get. Jeanette

Lucky those people who can remember how many times they were smacked, I had a schoolteacher father, who probably came home having had enough of kids for one day, so I most probably got it taken out on me, cause I seemed to get a smack most days no matter how trivial the reason. Discipline seems to have gone downhill since teachers weren't allowed to use the cane, so I think it must be a deterrant. My own children got smacked at times, but not very often, and often a raised hand did the trick without having to smack at all. Val

Fascinating to read all your comments. I think what the proposed new law is all about is defining the legal rights of children to be protected from physical abuse, in the same way that the rights of adults are already defined. The problem is that "chastisement" (the present state of the law) is a very subjective definition, as we all know, and we can all quote from our personal experience of being brought up. One of the strongest arguments against a blanket ban on smacking is that it could potentially overload the police and court services, particularly if the new generation of PC children catch on and make a legal art form out of constant complaints. As against that, one retired Met police commisioner, who is a strong supporter of a blanket ban, having seen the sharp end of parental violence in his job, has stated that the police would have to use their discretion in deciding when to prosecute. It's very sad to see some younger mothers in particular, who clearly aren't able to communicate well with their children, standing and screaming at them in public places, and threatening them with all kinds of physical retribution. I wonder what we could do better to help such young parents cope better with their new responsibilities? Philip

thats why I woudn't listen to radio 4 lol What were his views then ?

What REALLY annoys me is when people like Salmon Rushdie are interviewed on Radio 4 about the subject. What the hell does he know?

Steph, that sounds perfectly reasonably. My sister in law has a similar approach, and she also uses the "naughty corner"... if tshe kids misbehave they have to go to a certain place in the room and stay there until they're sorry.. it works brilliantly.

mine wasn't for being rude, it wasd for going AWOL for several hours when I was about 8... they were really worried about me, as I was usually so sensible (some thing never change eh ?)

I never smacked my six year old, when she was small. However, now she is old enough to understand 'no', and she deliberately does something she shouldn't, we have a new system. She knows that if Mummy has to count to five, then it is an automatic smack (on back of legs). Normally the threat is enough, and I only have to get to three before the action stops!! The counting ensures that I calm down and she has plenty of warning. I do not agree with smacking your child to take out your anger or frustration, merely as a deterant to a childs sometimes dangerous actions (ie. banging on window with wooden toy!)

I remember when I'd been naughty my Mum would smack the calf of my legs, I never knew which leg it was going to be and used to sort of hop from one to the other. I laugh about it now with my grown up children but it never did me any harm. I feel that some of the youngsters these days get away with too much. Julia

I agree with you totally Sheila... can only really remember beign smacked once as a child and I had been VERY bad... the probem is, its those that go too far that need better control.

Not sure about smacking, i think it depends on the circumstances. Im so soft that the few times i did smack mine i felt worse about it than they did. I dont agree with this "let them do what they want" attitude - i think that's why so many kids have gone off the rails.