General Chat

sibling rivalry..without the rivalry.theres me and my brother(he's older by two years)all my life ive had his cast off's,only been allowed out if he'd take me.on his 18th he got a big party,dj and buffet and plenty of prezzies..on mine diddly squat(mum said she couldnt afford a party etc)his 21st he got prezzies..mine just a card, i ordered a bed from my mums catalogue and refused to pay it all,wanted her to pay half(£50)which in the end after weeks of arguing she reluctantly did.When my bro got engaged he got £100..I didnt even get a card.the final straw came on saturday..when he got married,huge card and £100 prezzie.i again didnt even get a card when i married last june.its not the material aspect but i wouldnt dream of giving mine something without the others getting it.it hurts so much..my brother left home at 16,he then went to uni and never came back.I love him and am glad he's rich and sucessful but i envy how my mum runs after him.A i wrong to be jealous and hurt..im so angry at my mum i dnt see why i should even talk to her anymore..she's ruining my self confidence and my life.?????

hi linda...tried that one already,it fell on death ears!! i just got well i buy the kids stuff,and look after them......last time was last april(03)that she looked after ONE of them. Buying stuff..the occassional t-shirt,and a rumage in the charity shop..which dnt get me wrong i thoroughly appreciate but its not a weekly shopping trip to next as she makes out.no doubt when my brother has kids she'll be financially able to provide nursery equipment..unlike me who has provided my own and kept it to do all of my three.i just feel i cant win her affections at all.

Cherie Perhaps your mother is more generous with your brother because he takes her for granted and she is (subconsciously) trying to buy his affection? I don't think it is wrong to feel what you feel. You have tried to talk to your mum about it and it hasn't got you anywhere. Perhaps having done the 21st birthday bit once it was easy to overlook you - though I couldn't have done that. Sibling stuff is always difficult - I was the older and I was v. jealous of my brother, convinced - without foundation - that everyone in the family wanted a boy and that I wasn't as important. Being the eldest I always got the blame because I should have known better. That isn't of course how it was, just how I saw it from my perspective. My brother was jealous because I got to stay up later than him, etc. My own two boys are each convinced that the other one gets better treatment, more freedom, less responsibility. I explain that I don't always treat them equally, sometimes one needs more than the other etc. I usually feel guilty that I'm giving one too much and the other not enough attention. Families!

Cherie I fully understand how you feel. Mine is the other way my sister is 14 years younger than me and she got and still gets everything. I work have 2 great kids my own house blah blah and get nothing its not the fact that its the material things she just does nothing to help she always buys my sister presents and birthdays she will put money in a card and say oh I didnt know what to get you.My younger brother by 2 years throws a fit about it,but mum just doesnt get why we get so mad I think she tries to compensate as we had bugger all when we were kids but now she's discovered work she makes everything up to my sister GRRRR parents can be so thoughtless I go out of my way to treat my kids the same I dont buy one child one thing and rush out to buy the other but the same thought and time is given to both. So Cherie I fully can see how you feel. Rant over of to watch BB Jan x

thanx judith..glad you found a happy ending.i can only hope and wish..its not just my brother though.for xmas my mum got me a bra?and a spoon holder that you put spoons and such in which youve used to stir food in pans..the price tags were still on them(£7.50 in total) and my hubby got a new man u shirt(boo)and a dvd.hope no-one thinks its about monatary value but bit of a diff from £7.5o to just under £50 for my hubby.i just feel my mum hates me..and ive no idea why??im sorry to put a sadness on whom ever is reading this but im feeling hurt and down,my hubbys away til thurs ngt working.x

Cherie, I feel so sorry for you. I understand that it's very difficult to love your children equally, (we all have different traits,personalities and sometimes parents just don't "like" a child) but to be so thoughtless and blatant is just not on. There is no excuse for your mothers behavior but I wonder if she was brought up in a similar way?

thanx lynda. my brother jokes that i should annoy my mum and not speak to her for five years like he did then she'd buy my affections too...but its not fair on my children,they all love her to death..although just thinking bout it my parents have done it again they spend more money and time and effort with natalia my eldest than they do with my boys.considering i was a prem baby and only given 12hrs to live you'd think they'd treasure every day with me.my hubby says i shouldnt let it bother me and stop moaning.it just makes you very aware of it when youve been in this situation.id never do it to mine..they all get exactly the same. Janet no my mum was raised lovingly..my grandma/g'dad are brilliant!! as kids they took me my brother and two cousins on holidays to south wales every year.they spoil my children also just as they did with us and they are in their 70's.they paid for my mums wedding etc and brought her weekly food when only my dad worked and times were hard.my mum still had her freedom as we stayed with my grandparents fri ngt til sun nearly every week.dont understand her myself??

Cherie I feel for you , as Lynda said perhaps she's more for boys - I know my Gran was like that . You really need to talk to her and tell her how you feel, she may not even realise what she has done or is doing. I recall my poor hubby when his mum went out and bought 5 photo frames and asked him to put piccies in them for her - he was expecting to put in one each of his siblings. He is one of 5 ( 4 boys and a girl) Imagine his face when presented with FIVE piccies of his sister - the sun shines out of her bottom poor girl. Yet the sister is the one that does the least, calls the least and sees the least of her mother. Do talk to her, it could be a silly misunderstanding : ) Much happiness Debi

My father was the youngest of four boys. Their father died when they were in their 20s. After the war, my parents got a council house if they agreed to look after his mum, which they did. She lived with them for 3 years before she died. My mum did most of the housework and got all the meals. She had 3 miscarriages in that time and was desperate to have a baby. The old lady kept saying "I don't know what you want a baby for,they're nothing but work". She'd always made it plain that my father was unplanned and inconvenient. But he gave her a home when the others didn't. One of them turned her out of his house when she called because the vicar was there and he was embarrassed by her! The eldest son was a successful businessman with a detached house he had built for him. But he didn't take his mother in. When he saw her he used to slip her a few ££s and she thought the sun shone out of his ****. Life isn't fair, is it. H.

Cherie - What a sad story! How could anyone be so cruel and insensitive. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you - I think it's her that's got a screw loose! Had it not been for you saying that your children adore her, I would have said cut her out of your life until she sees how unjust she's being, but you can't. I certainly wouldn't spend a lot of thought or money on presents for her - see how she likes it! Or you could try a touch of the 'oh sorry I forgot' or was 'too busy' when she wants you for something. I wouldn't normally suggest fighting fire with fire but I don't think there is any alternative - you seem to have tried everything else. Mags x

Cherie, The most important thing is to make sure your mother doesn't play favourites with YOUR children. Over the years, this could became a huge problem and a source of hurt for your kids. The pain of feeling the least favourite could scar them. Talk to your mother and tell her your feelings. It's just not worth taking the risk of having a child's self-esteem damaged. Crista

cherie no!!! you are not wrong at all i have 4 children and they are all treated the same.they all had an 18th party and at christmas they all get the same spent on them the only one of mine that gets a bit more is my 25year old .he hasnt got children so we spend a bit more on him at christmas although 3 of my g/children are muslims and therefore dont celebrate christmas or birthdays,we still treat them the same as the other 4. i wouldnt dream of spoiling one more than the other i think your mum is out of order. susie

Having had a wonderful mum who treated my sis and me the same at all times i didn,t have that problem.But having read this and trying to put myself in a like situation ,i must say that i,m sure i wouldn,t take it well either..It,s not suprising that you still feel badly about it even now,youv,e done very well ,a hell of a lot of children go off the rails with far less provication than that ,so well done you ,i,m sure a lot of people on here would feel as you do in like situation.It isn,t called being jealous,it,s called getting a lousy deal.Fred.

Cherie, I feel for you and know what you're going through as my mother has always treated my brother like the golden boy and me like the poor relation. She also treats his two children like a prince and princess and she can't even remember my children's names. I know it hurts, but live for your family and let your mother get on with her life. My mother tells me I am very hard, but this is the way she has made me, by putting up a barrier she can't hurt me anymore, it doesn't always work, but what else can you do. I have tried talking to my mother about the problems, but she tells me I am making it all up. I love my children equally and could never treat them differently and at least I know my children love me, my mother can't say that about both of her children. Good luck M.

Hi Cherie, I really empathise with you, it is difficult to feel objective in this situation because the 'injustice' just seems to burn away at you inside. My situation has not been as bad as yours but still to this day my Mum makes excuses for my brother in situations where I have previously been hung, drawn and quartered by her! Luckily I get on really well with my brother and we laugh about it at times but it still grates that he can do no wrong in her eyes and that we are treated differently. I have been described as having been a disappointment to her but fortunately we have a Dad who has always been fair and supportive to both of us equally. I love my Mum to bits and have broached the subject with her a couple of times but it causes a row as she does not acknowledge that she treats us differently. All I know for sure is that we are all human and we all make mistakes and if you can find some way to let go of the anger and hurt that she has made you feel then you may be able to protect yourself in future. Perhaps you could write to her or something and if you don't want to send it, just burn the letter;apparently it's quite empowering!! Good luck, hope you can find some peace with this: if you do could you let me know please so that I can try it too!!!

Hi Cherie I know I have missed most of this conversation but felt that I must put in my thoughts as I have been saying to my husband since we married that my mum and dad are the same with me. I live less than a mile from my Mum and Dad's house and my brother lives nearly an hours drive away. My mum and dad have been in my house about twice a year in the past three years yet they visit my brother almost every weekend (if he is not visiting them). If I want to see them I have to fit around my brother's visits. My Dad cuts my brothers grass every other week, my Mum cleans his house when she visits him. They take him out for dinner and let him stay in their house whenever he wants. The last three times I have been out for dinner with my parents I have paid. I also have to cut my own grass and clean my own house. Don't even get me started on gifts. My brother is now so reliant on my parents that they can't stop doing everything for him. Recently my Dad took up golf and bought my brother a good set of clubs. My hubby got £2.98 worth of Tesco Golf Balls. Its really sad. I think it happens in a lot more families than you think. You are definitely not alone! Mail me if you want someone to moan to/with about it. It drives me up the wall! Lynne

just want to say thanks to everyone for replying to my thread..im feeling much better today.just tend to get upset big time when my mum does it again..as she did at the wedding saturday just gone.im glad im not alone with this..not that i wish anyone to feel as i do when its happening again.i havent spoken to my mum since saturday instead of taking the kids round..we are here if SHE wants to come see them or me!!i will not run round after her or my dad anymore,saving on their petrol and using my car to ferry them around. thanks for all your love and support.xx