General Chat

hi all sorry to whinge but i have to talk to someone. those of you who read my previous thread will know the troubles hubby and i have been through the last few years. well it seems my troubles are not over, does anyone elses kids act like the world owes them a living or is it just mine? both are intelligent children given all the opportunities in life, but they seem to think that working is just too much effort and it is far easier to let mum keep them, hubby says i'm too soft and perhaps i am, but what would you do if your 21 yr old son phoned you to say he was homeless, and your 19 yr old daughter gave up her job and didn't seem in a hurry to get another? Both are now back living with us, we are working, they are not, i have seen both of them through some difficult times which they seemed to have recovered from better that me. Am i unreasonable in wanting a life? or does being a mother mean i always have to make the sacrifices?

Beverley Apart from wanting your own life which is perfectly reasonable, eventually your children will have to be responsible for themselves. I suggest you tell them to start now. That doesn't mean not being there when they need you, but you should be a safety barrier, not a comfy cushion!

Lorr, Di thankyou for your words of wisdom, i know i have to toughen up when it comes to the kids, i just feel so used at the mo, i am still reeling from the last lot of probs they put me through(believe me you don't want to know) and here they are with another, i'm sure i never put my mujm through this and i am beginning to wonder if they consider my feelings at all

Sorry to hear that you are having problems - just remember you are a person first, wife second and mum third! Get tough! If they are on benefit - demand their share towards bills. Divide all bills into 4 and ask them for the money. Don't do their washing and ironing - they should be capable of doing that. If they don't like what's on the table - they can buy their own food. Don't clean their rooms. Don't cater for their friends. If they don't like it - give them a date when they should move out and change the locks. After all that - sit down and have a good bawl. They must learn that you are not their skivvy! Good luck and a big hug Magsx

Beverley May I suggest that it may help to talk it over with someone, someone who will treat you with respect and complete confidentiality? Unless you have already done so, look up "Relate" in your phone book and give them a ring. Len

Hi Bev, so sorry to hear you're having a bad time. My son is younger than your children so we haven't faced anything like this yet, but if he did do the same, then I would definitely follow the advice given to you by the other replies. We have already told him that we will support him as long as he is either 'Earning or Learning', we will not work our fingers to the bone to financially support someone who wants to stay in bed all day (not that he does at the moment!). If he left home and then returned, it would have to be on mine and hubby's terms - he would not be allowed to treat our home like a hotel. I know it's easier said than done, but I hope these replies will give you the support and encouragement you need to get them sorted out! Sending you love and hugs, Mandy xx

Hello Beverley, Sorry you're facing these problems, but you're not alone ... honestly! Been there, got the T shirt, etc .... My two kids got our full love and support during their childhood. Then, during a particular difficult breakup with my first wife, my daughter kept in touch with both of us, while my son had little choice but to do what his mother told him. Not an easy time for either of them. That was ten years ago. Subsequently, I was giving financial support to my daughter until she was nearly 25, through uni and job hunting etc. Ended it then, to make her stand on her own two feet. Sadly, when I married again in 2001, she behaved to us like a real little s**t, told me that I was peripheral to her life, and my wife that she should bog off and leave me to do penance for inconveniencing her with my earlier divorce, then stormed off out of our life. Now, three years later, she's got married and had a daughter, we've not been involved in any of these life events, but she delights in telling my sister when they meet occasionally that I'm the one being hard on her, and it's all my responsibility. It's something to do with self-preservation, I think. I've done all the running in the past, continually ended up being the whipping boy when it suits, so I'm taking the approach now that it takes two to tango, and I'll be really delighted to build new bridges if and when she's prepared to make an equal contribution. However, if not, not. Delighted to say, by the way, that my son was back in contact some time ago and, although he's busy busy like many young people with work and their own social life, at least we can communicate on a reasonable basis. Anyway, all the very best in dealing with this one. The others are giving good advice, don't make yourself a footstool for other people's convenience. Big hug, Philip

bev you have our sympathy, but all you candois be yourself, if this means being there for your kids then thats it, im not saying they shouldnt be more understanding to you. tell them how your feeling. you sound like me, my kids are 18 and 13 and ill always be here if they need me as was my mum and my dad still is there if any of us need his advise. my dad has had us all descend on him at some point in the last 18years, we all dont mean to take advantage and would go to the end of the earth for him. i dont know what youve been through bev but if the family wont listen as len says there are people out there who will. thinking of you

Hi Bev, So sorry you're having a horrid time at the moment. I'm not a mother myself but my mum's best friend went through what you're going through recently. Her daughter gave up her job and after going to one job interview refused point blank to go to any more. She was at the time 20, but contributed nothing towards the household. Her mother never asked her for any money but each morning would leave her a little list of jobs ie: dusting, popping to shops etc. None of these little tasks ever got done. In the end she had to give her daughter an ultimatum get a job and contribute or get out. Needless to say, she got a job! Sometimes I think you have to go down that whole tough love approach. I'm only 21 and it's so easy to sit back and let your parents do all the work for you. I've lived away from home since I was 18 and went to uni but up until a year ago when I moved in with my boyfriend I was still taking my washing home to my mum, asking her to lend me some money if I was skint, even getting her to book my doctors and hairdressers appointments. In the end my mum told that I was a grown up and to act like one. And, annoying as it is, mothers are always right, and she was! You're your own person not a skivvy, slave or emotional punch bag. No offence to your children but it sounds like they need to get out into the world and stop relying on their parents for everything. Hope you feel better about this soon! Amy

you love your children dearly just like i love my daughter and you do want the best but when their in trouble understandably as a mother we want to protect them and keep them safe.i would do the same thing as you.i think that when a women gives birth they have a stronger maternal bond with their child than the father and worries more about their welfare.xxx(:

Hi Bev, Have to admit it but I'm in the same boat.. son of 22 doesn't want to work in the area we live, and my daughter 20, had an eating disorder so she has been unable to work, doctor says shes to depressed (tell me about it) she gets some benefits but doesn't want to give us any...I did pay a lot of money last year for her mobile contract ( I know I shouldn't have.) Got in to debt myself, But as you say they are my children, both veggies son always complains about the dinners.... Oh what I'd give for a normal life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well better stop moaning now, some of the replies I am taking on board. Pat

Hi Bev & Pat (sounds like this ones for you too). You've both been too soft for too long. I'm was one of those kids that your talking about but my parents soon wised up. I left home at 19yrs to get what i thought was freedom to live how i liked. After getting a job and moving in with 4 very useless untidy house mates, i soon realised what i had put my parents through and we got on like a house on fire ever since. Basically what you need to do is tell the kids both at the same time (so there's no "but i thought you said......) that as they treat the house/family like a hotel, it's going to run like a hotel. Dinner time set, if they don't turn up after 20 mins it goes in the bin and they don't get anything else. If they don't turn up at all and they haven't phoned with 2hrs notice to say they won't be home for dinner, they don't get any the next night. Doors deadlocked at set time. If their not in, they have to sleep in the garage or a friends place. Laundry/cleaning duties, they do their own rooms and make a roster for the rest of the house. If it's not done, then you take away desert, phone access, computer access, even cut the plug off the TV (that one always use to get me). Trust me, they'll soon start to tow the line. If you can't inforce this yourself, what about Hubby being the bad cop for a while? Good Luck, Mel.

Beverley, I sympathise, with you. Why is your son homeless? We all live places we don't like. Why did your daughter give up her job before she'd found another one? We all have to do jobs we don't like. I'd make them both sign on - and, so they're still living in the real world, take 1/3 of whatever they get in their greasy little hands off them, for keep/rent whatever - even if it is only jobseekers allowance!! Then, when they get jobs, carry on taking 1/3 off them. do what you want with this money, you could save it to lend to them as a deposit on their own place. You and your husband are both working - for yourselves, not for them!!! Maggie

I must be too soft. Maybe if I let their rooms out they'd take the hint.

Thankyou all for yours words of advice/support, sorry i haven't replied before, i have been working and too tired to come on here after a 12 hour shift! I have decided i will start as i mean to go on and sit them both down and explain the ground rules re rent/chores/behaviour/privicy etc. that way we all know where we stand and there can't be any surprises later. Hubby is a great support, he would happily play the 'bad guy' its me that stops him, but in future i will let him help when it comes to enforcing the rules. Thanks again for all your comments, its good to talk! Bev

Hi Bev, glad to see you're feeling a bit brighter now, and I'm pleased that you have your husband's support on this one. Good luck and best wishes, Mandy :)

We have a lazyt toe rag too..... 21 and wants to be a DJ but does nothing to finance this!! He lies, steals and cheats and hubby won't say a word!! Fortunately he is in Cyprus at the moment sponging off his mother..... but no doubt that will change once the seaon ends and he'll be back sponging off us!! Just what can you do?

Beverly. No you are not alone, my son is 23 and after a lot of training and money turned down a full scholarship for track and field in America, he now does not no what he wants to do?, my daughter has just moved back home after calling her wedding off,(not a bad thing) her boyfriend hid the bills from her, so I am clearing them for her. Mind you I always said if I new what I new now I would never of left home iether lol. you love them to death, but god it is also hard work. How can we get a life when we have to live theirs lol. Good luck Love Deb.

I can't really speak as my children are 8 and 12 , but I hope that they will be strong independent adults . My husbands mother is a bit of a softy and has her "BABY" still living at home ( aged 37) He has no self respect, pays £50 a week for his keep, has no idea of the 'real world' his brothers have no respect for him and treat him as a fool, he is the butt of all jokes - so much so the nieces and nephews take the mickey out of him now . All the time his Mum is saying " leave him alone" Be firm but fair Beverley and I wish you well. Much happiness Debi