General Chat

Alas Fair Lady - me puncture repair outfit went down with the Utopia, however, I have a friend who runs a rubber factory in Falmouth and he is always good for a few patches etc! I suggest that you and Black Widow get a few hours kip as it can be a very bumpy ride on a cloak, and I havent tested the inboard stereo for some time. The film for the trip could be either "Brides of Dracula" or perhaps "Mary Poppins" both films I have forgotten to take back to Video Masters!!! I rather prefer Mary Poppins, especially the bit where they fly around the chimneypots. If it's only 3 of us, then perhaps I can find a chip shop nearer than Southampton as I am desperate for a bag of chips with lots of vinegar!! See you later on passengers, when you will have the flight of your life. Jac the Drac. Now, where did I put that book on navigation???

LAST MINUTE APPEAL TO FAT COOK AND "FRIEND" I am at this minute, revving my internal engines for a flight of a life time! You are welcome to join Madam Slut and Black Widow and I (I will even de-tour to pick you up) and by midnight you could be on dry land. Please do not deflate Colin until the very last moment - I will swoop from a great height and pluck you (yes pluck - you heard) from the water but I will not have enough fuel to return for Colin. Say your farewells to him sometime about 9.30 pm and then just let him down, gently! It's time he went to the great inflatible alligator park in the sky, he has done his best (and God knows that wasnt much) and it's time that he went peacefully. Just be grateful that he never ended up as a pair of platform-soled £2.99's in Freeman Hardy and Willis. Let me know if you want to join us - I will be cutting it fine just detouring for you - your captain Jac the Drac

We fly at 9.00 pm I have partaken of a little light refreshment (notice no bats around now?) and I am empowered to fly right high and straight to Southampton, with no stops on the way - the poor dementen Fat Lady Cook will have to sail away with Colin the inflatable alligator (see - I told you he was a faux-croc (all the rage in Paris this year I hear!) Do you really need it spelling out Fat Cook? You are doomed if you think Colin will be able to take you safely to land. I personally repaired his punctures twice during the short voyage we had, and I know that when he was a stunt-croc in the making of Crocodile Dundee he was mortally injured many times. His days are numbered - why not join us and fly to civilisation (or at least Southampton!)? You and Madam Slut and Black Widow could set up home together, a sort of Bawdello (he he, vampire joke) entertaining all the very interesting personages who visit Southampton, some of which might be very rich, or perhaps you could set up an old slapper's home, for decrepit and aged slappers past their sell by date? anyway, reconsider please it would be a waste of your culinary expertise (or typing anyway) to sail into the wide blue yonder on a deflated blow up alligator called Colin. As regards Sassy Cook, I have heard nothing, so unless she is here by take off time I'm afraid she will have to stay here and fall out with herself! Check in time is 8.55 pm this evening, please ensure that your baggage is checked in 15 mins before departure time as the hold is not too large (me trousers actually!) Drinks will be served mid-journey (I anticipate being in Southampton around 12.00 midnight, but may have to detour to St Mary's Churchyard to see my uncle Albert, who I hear is coming out tonight). After that - home sweet home, warm bath, fish and chips and beddy byes! See you later (alligator?) Jac the Drac

JAC THE DRAC I know you have super hearing. I am somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, resting on BORIS'S back, and yes! it is Boris as I know your crocodile boots are fake. Please tell SASSY that the thought of the two of us alone on the Island drove me to the Ocean. The Island is hers with my compliments. Fat Lady (unemployed cook)

What are you going to cook Black Widow? is there any grub left or did the miserly gits take that as well???? I have a cunning plan though - my trusty Dracula Cloak is still in one piece (it was lining my coffin, er I mean bed) which washed up at the time of the shipwreck on the other side of the island - I hid it of course, otherwise it would have been used for other purposes, With my cloak in full flow I can accommodate at a pinch about 4 others if you want to fly back to Southampton in style (whilst they stay below decks in a smelly fishing smack with an argentinian captain at the helm - God help them!!) Let me know, and if you see any of the others, and they want a first class ride home, I plan to go tonight after dark of course (I promise no stops on the way, although I might just drop Fat Lady Cook off at the Algarve - she did once cook me something special for my tea after all). In the mean time I'm going for a nap to conserve my strength for the long journey and stock up on fuel!!! Jac the Drac

BOAT? WHAT BLINKING BOAT? NO BODY TOLD ME ABOUT ANY BOAT!!!!! I'M BITING MAD NOW I AM! When I think of the damage I COULD have done whilst on that crap tourist boat, and even on this poxy island - I didnt though, did I - I was good. I kept my teeth to myself and have been off on a wander for a few days (managed to find a rather nice species of Vampire Bat on that hill range on the left, so was quite merrily joining in with them) and then I thought I had better look at those survivors and Colin the Alligator (Boris died Fat Lady Cook many moons ago - will you listen!) What do I find, they have buggred off and left most of us here! Is that friendship? I ask you? JAC THE DRAC

HI FAT LADY COOK It seems that everyone was rescued from the Island, but had to leave without us. They are sending a boat back for us tomorrow. Shall we stay or should we go? Your call SASSY

OH! NO! SOS..HELP!..WHERE IS THAT....BOAT.....GET ME OFF OF THIS ISLAND...I RATHER GO BACK TO THE ALGARVE.. THEN LIVE WITH NIGHTMARE "SASSY" SWIM BORIS....STROKE!... BREATHE!... STROKE! ..

HELLO FAT LADY COOK.....OVER HERE (wave,wave) Its me SASSY!!! I have been lost on the Island for 5 days. I had some gear with me but it's not were I left it. Have you seen it? Have you seen anyone else? There seems to be noone around. OH LOOK OVER THERE ON THAT TREE.......

Yawhnnn.... Stretch.. Wow!! Just look at that sunrise peeping over the horizon. The waves gently rolling and breaking before they reach the shore... There is nothing more beautiful than watching the sunrise. Come along Boris...lets go fishing... Lindy;-))

Jen Have you moved without telling me!!! Slapped wrist! Kim

Some of the passengers of the SS Utopia have been rescued now please read from page 5 onward . . . .