General Chat

Just been looking for some more. A few in this set I haven't seen before.

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We've only got one chair. I was showing my wife this one. I said, 'Look at this dear.' I always call her dear. She's got antlers growing out of the side of her head. I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off. There have been times that I have known disappointment, even despair. The public never realised because I was laughing on the outside while I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown. At the Royal Command Performance 1964, Tommy walks on stage with a heater he says, 'They told me to go out and warm the crowd up.' I take my drinks neat. But sometimes I let my shirt tail hang out a bit. A man walked into a bar. Ouch.........It was an iron bar. A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. You're ugly as well.' My feet are killing me. You know, every night when I'm lying in bed they get me round the throat like that ...... A man is trying to sell his dog. So he stops another man and says, 'Wanna buy a dog? He's very clever look at this.' He throws a stick into the pond and says, 'Fetch that, Rover.' The dog gets up on his hind legs and walks across the water and gets the stick. 'Thats no good to me mate,' said the man. 'He can't swim.' I went out for a meal last night. Ordered everything in French. It surprised everyone. It was a Chinese Restaurant. A man went to the doctor and said, 'I need help urgently. I keep dreaming that women come into my bedroom and I keep pushing them away.' The doctor said, 'What do you want me to do?' And the man said, 'Cut my arms off.' A woman phoned her husband and said, 'The carburettor is full of water.' 'Where's the car?' the man said. 'In the river,' she replied. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. I went to see the doctor the other day. I had to. He was ill. What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear? Anything you like. He can't hear you. A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. 'Doctor what can you give me?' The man says. 'A hard boiled egg,' says the doctor. A child of three can do this trick. I wish he was here now. I got into this taxi and I said to the driver, 'King Arthur's Close.' And the driver said, 'Don't worry Tommy, I'll shake him off at the first corner.' I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace. This Irish man backed this horse on a ten pence accumulator and it won thousands and thousands of pounds. He went to the bookmaker who said, 'I'm not a very big bookmaker, I'm not one of the top line bookmakers, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll give you a thousand pound each week and we'll go on like that.' The Irish man said, 'I'm not having that give me my ten pence back.' I said to the waiter, I said, 'This chicken I've got is cold.' He said, 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks.' 'Not only that,' I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?' I went to the doctor the other day, I said I've broke my leg in three places. He said, 'Don't go to those places.' I hurt my arm. I went to the Doctors to get it mended. After, I asked the Doctor if when its mended could I play the piano? He said yes. I said, 'That's funny I couldn't play it before.' Just before the show the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said, 'How do you feel tonight?' I said, 'A bit funny' - 'Well get out there before it wears off.' A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir' I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says, 'My chips are too hot.' Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself. Last week I went to a travel agent to see about my holidays. There was a big poster of Majorca on the office wall. I said, 'I wanna go there.' So he pinned me to the wall. I met this man at the airport and I asked him if he`d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would, I said, 'You take the engine, I`ll take the wheels!' I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. Cos' you never hear of a plane backing into a mountain. I went into the bank today. I said, 'Could you check my balance?' - They pushed me over! I bought this budgie...I went to a pet shop and bought him a cage, a mirror, a ladder, a bell, a string and ball, a little plank to walk on, a bath.....Then, a few days later I found him lying on his back, gasping! I said, 'little Budgie, please don`t die! I bought you a cage, a mirror, a ladder, a bell, a string and ball, a plank to walk on , a bath....I bought you everything that money can buy......Don`t do this to me, don`t die!!!! Why are you lying on your back?' Then the budgie looked up at and croaked his final croak....'That pet shop where you bought the cage, the mirror, the string and ball, the bell, the ladder, the bath,'my mate asks, 'Was there any food there?' I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?' She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday.' 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?' My wife the other day was looking through a fashion book. She was looking at a fur coat. She said, 'I want that' so I cut it out and gave it her. My back's killing me. I've strained it. I was playing piggy-back, with my little boy, and I fell off. A man goes into a petshop - He says, 'I'd like to buy a wasp please.' The shopkeeper says, 'Sorry Sir, but we don't sell wasps.' Man says, 'But you've got one in the window!!' I got on a train the other day and sat next to a young woman reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?' I asked. 'Fascinating. American Indians have the widest manhood and Polish men the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi', I replied, 'I'm Tonto Polanski.'

Busy boy this Sunday morning Daniel!..

Copy and paste leaves me exhausted. :-)

Thank goodness for modern technology Daniel, Hey, that could be a thread What would you most like to invent?..

Go on then, start it.

I've had such a laugh for the last ten minutes, Thankyou for putting these on. Jo.

Thank you Daniel and Lynda. They don't make them like him anymore. He was my absolute fav. Could make me laugh just doing nothing. Reading those jokes could see him standing there in his fez. Jean x.