General Chat

Rose So sorry to hear of your problems everyone here has given you good advice. Sally helped me recently when my husband was diagnosed with dementia and I am so grateful to her. The one thing you must do is take care of yourself and get any help that is available. Take care. Linda x

Rose.... how awful for you!! I do know what you mean about Social Services tho.... Grandma turned 100 last month and up until this year was not entitled to a home help as she was far to capable.... now she gets someone for an hour a day because she has had 3 strokes this year!! I'm with the others.... LIE... the Dr will too if he sees the stress you are under. Lets us know if there is anything we can do!! Diana

Thanks everyone your replies have been so helpful and I really will follow up everything you have all suggested. Rose. Just off to start the day - Don't worry about me too much we do laugh a lot.

Rosemary, I would like to back Margarets comments regarding Help the Aged. When we had a problem in the family, they really were very helpful. Hope you gain some help soon, surely your own state of health should be taken in to account, Rosemary(Essex)

Hi Rose, I do feel for you terribly. I helped my Dad care for my Mam as she succumbed to Alzheimers. It is agony watching your parents get old and frail--no matter how old you are, you never feel ready. I experienced a lot of what you are going through. In her last few months, Mam fell several times a day and was in and out of A and E every few days. She was irrational, and at times suicidal. We got the higher rate of allowance, and it was nothing to do with continence. Mam's psychologist told Dad to emphasise how he was up several times a night to supervise Mam--that was enough to get the night allowance. However, I suspect it varies from county to county. Have you got a sympathetic GP--either your Mum's or yours? They could help with your application. Remember that you deserve all the help you can get--as long as you are keeping your Mum at home and caring for her, you are saving the state a huge sum of money. There are various support networks who may be able to help you. In my case it was the Alzheimers Society, but in your case it could be Age Concern. If you think your Mum is failing mentally, you could ask for a psychiatric refferal. This would help you plug into the support available in your area. There may be sitters in your area to give you a break, or a home or day centre that your Mum could go to for a few days a week. I know she may not like this idea--believe me, I had to take my Mam into care several times, and i know how painful it is. But I also knew it was for her own sake--and her safety. We needed a break and there is a limit to anyone's patience--I was concerned that Dad, my sister and I were getting cross with Mam. I do feel for you so much. I was where you are now less than two years ago. There are always lots of good people on here to talk to, and the practical help really is out there--you just have ask and be insistent until you get it. Sending my very best wishes to you and your Mum. Sal.X

The forms for DLA are ridiculous. They come in two parts so you have to enter things twice. My eldest son has been severly handcapped since birth (can't walk,talk,feed,dress or toilet etc) but because he is nearly 16 I have to fill them all in again. He is not going to get better! Bob

Hi Rosemary I am sorry to hear about your Mom. You are both in my prayers Your local Council may have an Income Maximisation Officer, who is likely top be based at the Council's Advice/Money Advice Department. May well be worth giving them a call, and seeing if they can help Regards Steve

Rose I feel so sorry for you I looked after my mum from when I was 15 till she died 4 years ago at 86 nearly cost me everything my marriage my hubby got fed up with me having to be there day and night but we sorted it thank god he has been a tower of strength Bu go to the citzens advice they will help you to put your claim in they are really good they will come to your home to do the forms

Rose Please give your local Age Concern a ring. They help to fill in all forms to claim for AA etc. They are really helpful and have lots of advice on benefits etc. I cared for my mum and I found it difficult to ask my brothers ans sisters to help as my mum only really trusted me. Her needs were physical and she did not want to go into a nursing home so it was very hard emotionally. The social services arranged meals on wheels and home carers but I still felt guilty that it was not me doing everything for her. You must get help and soon go to see your GP and tell them you are depressed and stressed and desperate for a rest, they can arrange respite for a couple of weeks for your mum, this will also give them time to assess her needs. If I can be of any help or support please email me. Kindest Regards Margaret

Hi Rose, have a look at this website www(.)carersinformation(.)org(.)uk you should be able to find your local branch of the carers association - more friendly ears who know exactly what you are going through - and plenty of advice about benefits and help. You must explain to your mum that if you become ill, then you cannot look after her properly, therefore you need some help. Try and make her realise it is for her benefit as well as yours. We managed to persuade my dad to go to a residential nursing home for a 2 week respite period while we arranged all the home care for him. Just those few nights sleep really helped my mum to cope and he was fine - he was even able to have a shower which my mum had not been able to manage as she couldn't get him upstairs to the bathroom. Phone social services every day and really make a nuisance of yourself. Maz. XX

Rose, You have to look after yourself, or you won't be fit enough to look after her. It must be hard for you. I have just seen my best friend go through a similarish situation with his own mother, who since has sadly died. I hope you can get Respite help. Jim

Hi Rose, I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult time on your own ... and it was you who had the hard time with grandchild access recently wasn't it? I too am an only child, and when my dad was very ill in hospital a few years ago it was very exhausting. Of course I wouldn't want it any other way because he's my dad! but sometimes it would be nice to have someone else to take over for 24 hours so that you could get a good sleep. I hope that the replies on here are helpful and that you get some assistance sorted out, particularly as your own health could be at risk. But it's nice to see you still joking! Make sure you come on here any time you need friends and support, that's what we're here for. Let us know how you get on tomorrow. Love Mandy x

I have not yet had to deal with frail parent, but I do know that lack of sleep when I had my first baby was not only tiring and depressing, it also led me into nearly setting fire to the house! You must impress upon your GP that you can't cope alone for the sake of yourself and your mum. Good luck and let us know how its going. nell

Judging by that last bit of typing it looks as if I'm suffering from dyslexia and I've got adenoids too. Rose

All your suggestions are graet, I really will get something sorted . It was just that I have had broken nights that tipped me over the edge. Thaks everyone Rose

Hello Rosemary, What a struggle for you - no wonder you are exhausted. Surely Social Services can arrange for respite care for a couple of weeks while you catch up on some sleep. Without rest YOU are going to become ill - what would happen then?? Insist on it! Are they aware that she could wander at night without you being on constant watch? Perhaps your doctor could back your claim for AA with a statement about how having to cope for 24 hours a day is affecting YOUR health? Magsxx

cor rose, well then they need to understand that you shouldnt be allowed to have to deal with this on your own, they need to sort this out!! xxx

If she has had falls and the ambulance out try the tack that she needs assistance to prevent harm to herself.

My problem is, I am an only child.Mum is a retired barrister and very very independent and will not have anyone else in the house,especially for the personal washing. To be perfectly honest I did not see her living to such a great age. The ambulance men did a cardiogramm and her heart is stout. I think I will hit the deck before she does. I have had a good talk today with a Keyworker from Social Services and plan to see my Dr tomorrow. She is so robust but I have had a heart attck at38 and a stroke at 48, I am now 64. I will try to get something sorted. Thanks for the chat Rose.

Hi Rosemary, It's very difficult to get all the help that you need. When my Mum was going down hill rapidly with Motor Nurone we had to fight for everything despite the fact that she was fully diagnosed. Firstly, you have to get her GP to fight along with you and a social worker if possible because the DSS still need proof of what she can and cant do to be able to assess any payments you should be entitled to. It's a horrible time all round and so scary to watch someone you love deteriate. Take Care Sheila x