General Chat

Woah this has been a heavy duty thread!! I am a step daughter but I havent been a step mother. I guess being a step mother must be hard especially if you have children of your own as I couldnt imagine loving any other child in the same way that I love my own but I do think that If a guy has children from a previous marriage then he still needs to take responsibilty for those children and be there for them. Its a bit selfish to expect him to cast aside his first born in favour of any other children he has by second marriage. My 1st Step mother actually expected my dad to put her son before my sister and I all the time and yes he was 'HER' son and not my dads... her opinion was 'you are with us now' I am not qualified to offer any advice to you though Kylie as I have said I am not a step mother but I would be really annoyed if My ex refused one of my children just because his wife didnt want it. At the same time I would be furious with my kids if they didnt treat my ex's partner with the same respect that they treat me. Shaz x

I'm walking away from this conversation now as i trully am going to say something I will regret!! My final point is "Parents as the adults have a right to decide how their children are ALLOWED to behave!!! And if you allow them to behave badly through your fear of causing more trouble then you deserve all you get.... if you don't set the standards how do children know what is acceptable!! yes some are beyond help.... but it doesn't make it acceptable to stop trying.... they are still your FAMILY!!"

I never said that i never loved her in the past ( not now though..) As I explained before . but you can give so much. My kids come first now in my eyes. Ill never dream of stopping hubby seeing her but im dammed if im going to put myself out for her anymore. She isnt a child at 21. she is an Adult. and should know better. if I was called a child at that age I would have been so angry. E x

people are brought up differently, and some people love others no matter what happens!

Elaine, My step kids did NOT ruin my marriage..... my step kids were a big part of what was wrong with it, especially my inability to accept their role, but the fact is my husband and i weren't strong enough to work through it... My step children succeeded in gettin me to react to them, when they were being brats.... but all in all it was my choice as an adult to react.... but i still speak to my step kids and would still be there for them if anything went wrong and they know that.... if they had their way now their father and i would be back together.... So no I am not going to blame them or hubby.... it was my choice not to fight for my marriage and my husbands choice not to fight to keep me!! It's not the kids fault we didn't love each other enough to survive!

Diana When I was 21 I still lived at home Yes me & dad did argue from time to time...then made up & talked it over. But at no time did I disrespect him in any way shape or form. Not like my s dau. My dad understood I had a life to lead and I him. He was my world but i realised he had to move on (he was a widower at 38) seeing him happy made me happy, yes i have almost washed my hands of her. Im polite if she visits, but no more than if the vicar dropped in for tea. But I will never forget what she thinks of me & her wanting (even now) for hubby & I to split up. Lucky we are too strong together & it diddnt happen. Just remember how your stepkids ruined your marriage. ( not saying all stepkids are bad ) E x

She, i love you !!! thats heartbreaking, what a kind strong loving person you are! x

She.... my SD was a brat.... she has punched me twice in my own home, she has lied, connived and all that comes with it but even tho i am not with her dad at the moment i too wouldn't turn my back on her..... she is fighting her own demons and I (like you) are the easy target!! I'm so pleased that your husband appears to know his blood and the damage she can cause but again hasn't wiped his hands of her.... plus he and you appear so STRONG.... you must be so proud to be married to him!!

Elaine, I didnt take any advice from you all last week did i, i made a terrible mistake. I havent always taken my mums advice, i havent alwasy taken my sm advice, i have made mistakes, They still Love me more than anything, and i know i can always turn to them! she is 21, not 41. as i said, my brother is 21, no he hasnt been mothered, he is a grown lad, but i tell you something, the bloke rings me in tears sometimes cos of stuff that goes on. He still needs my mum, my sm, sd and dad. he still needs to be looked after, and by the sounds of it, the girl cant be bothered with you cos you have given up on her way too easily. When it comes to these types of situations you gotta work at it! I put my all of my parents through hell once. I thought that what i did could never be forgiven, i know that i am still loved! sounds like she doesnt!!

I think the point here is Kylie all our experiences are different and that some of us have a different slant on what we would do due to our own experiences- I'm a step daughter too. The only person who is going to help you make the decision is your husband, by being frank with him about your emotions, thoughts and fears can you reach the right decision for your whole family ( that includes his daughter and ex wife ) If its at all possible to speak to his ex then you may well need to do this too. Wish you all the best & much happiness Debi

my own 2 kids - now 21 and nearly 25 - adore my husband. They never lived with us - but know that they can visit and stay for however long they like - a bit difficult as my daughter is a couple of hundred miles away and my son is over 11 thousand miles away. I believe in the 'if you love them let them go' the hardest thing I have ever had to do was wave goodbye to my son at 8 am as he set off for his new life with his wife and then at 11am travel to Scotland to be with my mother when she left this life. I put on a brave face saying goodbye to my son - my step-d - well she sniggered and said good riddance - then when we were in scotland she kept texting her dad telling him to leave me there and come home. I gave up the chance of going to Aus to visit my son his wife and my precious grand daughter becuse step -d was upset at the idea of us going on holiday. Once the trip was cancelled she stepped up her campaign and within 3 weeks was at her mothers - her choice. I had to hold my husband while he broke his heart when she left - even though I was also heartbroken. I will never stop caring for her - even though I know it will never be returned. My wish for her is that she will treat any children she has of her own with the love her daddy has always and always will give her.

steedie RE: snidy looks And if he told her off she would deny it.......causing a bigger row & unpleasentness all around again E x

Elaine, I'm hoping that statement came across wrong as it sounds like you have washed your hands of her.... she may be 21 but that does not make her an adult... look how differnet you are now than you were when you were 21.... I know I would have hated having a daughter like I was!!

Steedie If she wont take advice then she will have to make her own mistakes & live with them,,,,Its a hard fact but she will learn by it...........and yes I have made mistakes myself and Learnt by them. Im not ruining my family life for someone who doesnt give a toss. Its not as if I havent tried for the past 14 years... E x

every father has a right elaine, she is his flesh and blood. As i said, if she is behaving like a child, e.g snidy looks asd you said, you are his wife, and surley he should put his foot down and say that he will not stand for it. Im not saying he should wag his finger and call her a naughty girl!!

steedie Hubby plays little part in s dau life now. If he said told her off she would ignore him (her right as she is an ADULT) She is old enough to make her own mistakes & learn by them now. If she was living with him then fairs fair, he has the right to lay rules down. & tell her off. But as a grown woman not living with him he has no right. E x

Elaine, how can you sit back, and feel ok about watching a young woman 'mess up her life', im sorry but thats awful ! No matter how much wrong she has done you, you cant say things like that! xx

My husband used the fact his were both grown up now (19 & 22) and it wasn't worth instilling discipline, but since he has the SD has been so different to HIM, much more respectful!! We all need rules and boundaries!! And no doubt the SS will too when he realises this is not just a phase dad is going through.

She, i admire you !! At least whatever happens, she knows you love her! Its amazing how you have held it together! No some people dont want to be helped, but maybe some time soon, she will realise that she is loved and want to get back on track, and that could be all down to you!! xxx

Yes She They wont ever be truly happy if they carry on hating the world & its uncle. I just have to look at his ex wife who will stay miserabe for th rest of her life. best thing we can do is get on with our lives & let them mess up theirs E x