General Chat

my parents split up when i was fifteen .after numerous fights from my parents side they decided it was for the best.the reason i found it hard to accept my stepfather at first was because i had such a hard time all through the marriage which isn't the childrens fault.i was rebellious and did some bad things but my mother and stepfather never gave up on me.kylie the only advice i can give you is the child probebly feels as though she is being pushed from pillar to post and the only way to react is a negative one.you have to have a relationship with her sepratly and try to be a friend to her than a mother.it works.i would give the girl a chance.and if it doesn't work out.then you can but say you tried.love and hugsxxxxx(:

Have to say Kylie that my 1st step mother also considered home furnishings to be a higher priority than my sister and I... shame that we ended up missing out on so many years with our dad... but on the brighter side :-) it all worked out in the end... Dad tired of it.. divorced her and has been a prominant feature in our lives ever since! Oh... He did marry again 8 yrs later and 2nd wife is very different! Shaz

Thats fair enough Kylie, and now she will have a holiday to look forward to! Let us know how it goes xxx

see above

Craig, It was great to have the perspective of a father in similar position (even though it wasnt my Thread/Question) I know what you mean about having the odd snap over Lousie being slightly over critical.. My other half didnt have to just take on me but also my older kids and although they all get on great, we do have our moments and I too have snapped at him the odd time for the same thing. Sometimes he will say something and although I know he is right I will still get on the defensive as its my child we are talking about, I have to keep reminding myself that he isnt viewing them through the same rose tinted glasses that I do. We all get through it by stepping into each others shoes for a minute and looking at it from the other persons point of view although sometimes a wee nudge is needed.. LOL Like the time he thought I was being silly because I wouldnt go to bed until my eldest boy came in from a night on the town.... He kept telling me to come to bed and not to worry, he's a big boy, he can look after himself etc. Then for my nudge.... I Pointed to the cot in our room and told him... your boy is lying there as mine once was now in 18 years time I'll maybe have the hang of this and it'll be me saying come to bed he'll be fine!! He stepped out of his shoes and into mine and together we paced the floor until my eldest came home.....LOL Shaz x

Hi, I don't know if this helps but, as a father who's oldest girl lives elsewhere, I can only tell you how I feel. My ex partner and I had a very bitter separation and she tried to stop me seeing my girl(Abi), as a way to hurt me. I won fathers' rights and have Abi on weekends. Things are much better now but, until recently, Abi had very little respect for louise(my better half). She would never be cheeky in front of me but wouldn't listen when I wasn't there and sometimes downright defiant! I found this hard to believe because she was always so well behaved in front of me but, one day I came home and caught her at it. It transpires that much of this had come from her mums spite (I think she was scared Abi would want to live with me). Despite this things did get better but, I still sometimes snap at Louise for being over critical(though she's probably not). I think what I'm trying to say is that blood is thicker than water, and if you try to stop her staying then there's no surer way to alienate your husband. I think the best idea would be to invite her for an extended holiday on certain terms, and if need be, talk about staying for good later. Most importantly let your hubby know that you understand his feelings of protectiveness toward his daughter but, that shouldn't have to mean she runs rings around him. Hope this helps a bit from the perspective of someone in a similar position.

yeah Kylie, i really do hope it works out the best for all of you! let us know what happens! xxx

It seems like a typical teenager reaction. She wants to be where she thinks she will be best off regardless of other peoples situations. I am not criticising her. As a pre adult she has yet to form her own moral code. Her father and mother will have to make the decision for her whether she likes it or not, and what teenager has ever liked it? You really need to sit down with your husband and say "IF she comes to live with us we need her to behave in such and such a manner." Then you will feel united in her upbringing because you are in agreement. I do not feel quailified to suggest the right answer for you, but hope that, whatever you decide, it will turn out for the best. Our children have an awful lot to contend with compared to when I was a lad when the only stress was whether I was going to get caught scrumping apples. Good luck, Jim

steedie been done by hubby but she still the same, thats why i let her get on with her life. dont mean to sound horrid but thats how i now deal with it. Yes she should be sick & tired but its her mums fault not ours, we never used her to get back at her mum, never wanted or needed to. Shes now at collage far away in Hull. Still comes back to see her mum. so maybe the split from her mum will give her time to thinkfor herself.sadly i cant see it happening. E x

have you ever thought that the girl is sick and tired of being used as a pawn then? This girl needs kick up the ass, then a bloody good loving and meaningful cuddle

Elaine :-) My sincere apologies... I know too that the Ex can be a big cause of trouble between Step children and Step parents! I think this stems from their own jealousy and it is sad that they manage to twist their childrens minds and encourage them to have so much hate for another person. The first partner that My Ex had after we split wanted to meet my children. I insisted that she met them individually and not all at once as I knew it may be a bit daunting for her.. when it came to meeting Kirsty who was aged 10 and Daddy's princess I sat Kirsty down for a chat before her Dad picked her up.. Kirsty had the look of Evil in her eyes and I knew this poor woman was in for a rough ride... I asked her if she wanted her me to get rid of my partner and get back with her father? (I wouldnt of by the way lol) NO Do you want your Dad to be lonely and have no-one? NO Do you know how scared this lady is of meeting you? NO Then I explained that this lady liked her daddy so much that she wanted to meet his children, I said she is scared you wont like her and maybe then she wont be able to stay with your daddy. I said its ok to go and be nice to her and it wont hurt me at all but what will hurt me is if you are rude to this lady. As Kirsty left the house holding her dads hand she was smiling and the look of evil had gone :-) When she came back though she was very quiet and eventually I found out why... She said "Mum when I said goodbye to her I hugged her coz she was really nice... But I still Love you" My poor baby... although she knew that I didnt want her dad anymore she knew I loved her and felt that she was being unfaithful to me somehow by liking this lady. If I had still had any sort of feelings for my Ex I am sure I wouldve been able to use Kirsty as a tool to make life extremely difficult for my ex and this lady.. I do like to think that I am not that sort of a person though :-) Sadly my ex broke up with the girl after 18 months and my kids were gutted... Now they have decided them selves that Dad s an A*** and wont have nothing to do with him... who gets the blame?? Yeah Its Me!! LOL Us poor women cant win can we :-) Shaz x

NO shaz I wasnt being sarky just curious lol yes we have had big probs with stepmum ( not due to the fact that she was married to hubby first) but due to her using his daughter as a pawn to get what she wants. My issue is with stepdaughter, she is old enough now to show her dad respect & still chooses not to. Even though she now knows 2 sides to the story. She had both our undivided attention for 5 years before we had her brother & sister (whom she still insists on calling them half brother/sister even when i refer them to just sister or brother) We then fell over backwards to make her feel loved and included, which has been slammed into our faces. We even asked her to be youngest daughters godmother. To which she agreed. But sadly there is and will never be any respect for her dad. This hurts me a lot. Thats why ive given up on her. Im afraid alough we remain friendly (in a stiff kinda way)we will never be friends. Im fed up of trying now. Let her have it between us as she wants it E x

Elaine I am taking it that BIG ??? means you are curious as to the Big part and I am being silly thinking it may be some form of sarcasm.... its just that we have added to the same threads many times before and you have never questioned it. I was thinking of starting my own Thread to explain the BIG but almost everyone knows what its all about so there is no point. Ok... Basically my father is short as are most of his family.. by the time I reached 10yrs I was as tall as one of my aunts (4ft 11") she labelled me 'Big Shaz' ... I'm now 5ft 7" and wear a size 10 so I'm not really worthy of the BIG but hey its been with me for 26 years now! Even in your last message Elaine you still had to have a dig at hubby's ex wife... you couldnt just say that Step D is vindictive she has to be as Vindictive as her mother! My other half has also read all of the messages on this thread and said that he thinks part of the reason he gets on so well with my children (only my 6th child is his) is because although he thinks my Ex is a complete and utter A*** he would never let the kids know that he feels this way. My first step mother actually stopped drinking Bacardi and Coke because she found out that it was what my mother wuld drink... I have noticed that a lot of women who dont like step daughters have a problem with the Ex wives... Shaz

Elaine, from what I have read today, it seems you have had an awful time of it, and I really feel for you. However, I do think your case is not the norm and that Kylie's situation is different to that (I hope). I think Kylie's step-daughter is "testing" her Dad to see if he says she can live there. I can't see a 13 year old rushing to give up all her friends and going to live abroad unless she was genuinely unhappy at home. I think she just wants reassurance that her dad is there for her if she needs him. All children test their parents and I am sure that is what she is doing. I hope Kylie's decision won't be clouded by your dreadful experiences and that she realises that most sitations are not that extreme. At the end of the day she is his daughter. I would move heaven and earth for my children.

Big ?? Shaz Most of the trouble came from stepdaughter, this was bearable while she was a child, but for heavens sake, shes nearly 21 now. After a huge row we had about 3 years ago, hubby told her some home truths. things about him her mother had lied about. Put things right with her. She told him she hated me & wanted him to tell me to leave! He told her that would never happen. Im afraid she is as vindictive as her mother, and because of the lies that have been said, am monitering things she says to my two (9 & 5) after all i wouldnt put it past her to put poison in the works & tell them lies too, That I dont want & will kill her if she tries to put the wedge she failed to put between myself & hubby between them & myself. Because believe me...she is capable of anything. Thats why i have little to do with her. After all I know what shes like, ive had 14 years of it. Ps step dau lived with her mum so wasnt with us all the time as your son is based with you. E x

Elaine I have read a lot of your comments and am starting to think that your problem is more with your Hubbys Ex wife than it is with your Step Daughter and sadly you have allowed this to spill over and affect any possibility of a relationship with her. May I also add that my Eldest son is now 18 and is at University.. he has also worked part time since the age of 16 and pretty much takes care of himself.. BUT... If I think he needs pulling into line then I pull... only last weekend he was 'Grounded'.... yes Grounded! Did he attempt to go against it? Did he hell!! And he is 6ft 2" and works out at a Gym but still knows I would have clipped his ear.. LOL Mind you I would have needed my other half to give me a lift up first and yes my other half is his Step Father! Shaz x

Yes DIana Parents have the right to be allowed to correct the way their child behaves. But Its not the parents Right to be allowed to do the same when the child reaches adulthood. Yes hubby did used to correct bad behavior but stepped back most of the time because ex wife would have stopped contact as i said before, and this would have devestated him. And NO he & I diddnt deserve all the trouble that came our way because of a selfish cow who brainwashed her daughter against us for no reason other than "I dont want him , but no one else can have him either "attitude. I refused to be used anymore as i said hubby is there for her...when she wants something. But does she care for him...I know not...shes a selfish little whotsit...who only cares for what she can get. E x

I second that..... Well said Shaz!!

Well said Shaz!

i am not sayin she is achild !!!! no matter what age you are, you still need love! you cannot love somebody one minute and then the next not love them. i too am going to have to leave this convo...it is upsetting me! Atleast i no that i am very lucky to have the parents i have, and She and Diana, i hope your step children come torealise that aswell...they are lucky to have people like you who love them so! x