General Chat

...am writing this partly from a therapeutic angle; hope you'll indulge me. My mum died suddenly & unexpectedly in April 2001 at the age of 61 - I was 34 at the time. My dad had died when I was 12, and whilst he was alive I was very much a daddy's girl but inevitably after his death mum & I got closer & closer...when I married we ended up living literally around the corner from her and her new husband and we were always together...she was even with me in the operating theatre when Rhys was born as my hubby was too squeamish!! She was a major part of his young life, too. Her death has left an enormous hole. I was on tablets for depression when she died, and afterwards I went into a black hole, saved only by having a 3 year old that needed me (oh, and a husband!). Rhys and I both had terrible dreams for ages after, for me the kind that when you wake up, you still feel as if you're living them. Those had stopped and I've dragged myself back to almost-normality...and funnily enough, the last couple of weeks I have felt better than I had for years. So why did I have a relapse last night??? I would have one dream about her dying etc, go back to sleep and have another and so on all night. I feel terrible this morning: I'm all trembly and feel all disturbed. I wish I understood why the brain acts the way it does! Sorry to offload; but it has helped me a bit to put it down... Kim x

Kim I lost my mum at 14 so know how you feel. I also lost a lovely stepmum in jan 2001 which hit me hard. Im also on the tablets for depression and last weekend "lost the plot" it all needed to come out, & i feel much better for it. I sometimes dream of mum, Doreen & others now gone, the worst ones are when I dream of loosing my kids. It affects me for days. But sometime you may be thinking of them & while your sleeping your subconsious runs into overdrive. If you ever need to chat im here Elaine x

hello kim, have just read your message and wish i could do something to make you feel better, but you have done really well allready by actually writing it all down and sharing it and as you say even just doing that has eased things a little for you. I dont claim to have the clinical answers for the way the brain acts within us, all i can do is try to do is reassure you that what you are describing is very normal when we lose someone very close to us.Grief is a very complex and powerful emotion that isnt just a sudden thing that hits us when something happens to remind us of a loss, grief has to be worked through from the moment the loss happens, but the way in which we lose someone can have a bearing on the way we react at that time, delayed grieving is common in sudden/traumatic deaths and if that is complicated also by witnessing events it compounds it even further. As you have said allready you have come so very very far and you sound a strong/ determined young woman who has continued through a difficult time regardless, you say that it was having a son that made you fight on, when we have dependants we put them first because we dont want to inflict pain and loss on them too,but very easily we do not grieve properly ourselves because it seems we allways have others needs to put first and this can make grieving a longer more erratic process.From my own personal experience just two and a half years ago now i would say that you are doing just great but sometimes i found that when i had had a few weeks of good/better days that when i did get the odd bad one it hit me hard, dont force yourself to rush this through, at night its horrid when it happens i know but allow yourself the thought that you have made great strides in recovering and protecting your son, there are specialist councellors trained in certain bereavement causes and the effects this can have, i found this absolutely brilliant in my recovery, yes its hard, you will cry lots but almost immediately i found that the pressures were lifting, its just something to consider, if you find your beginning to struggle a little. i do hope that this might help in some small way and you and your litle boy experience the good and happy days you both deserve so much. thinking of you. sue

Kim so sorry to hear this. My Husband died 14yrs ago on the 11th Nov. and it was my Daughter who found him, to this day she gets some very 'real' dreams as she calls them, particularly if she is a bit stressed or worried about something, she has been having a bad bout lately, but she isn't doing too well with her job at the moment. Perhaps, what Jean says could be right, if you are anxious or upset, it could well trigger them off again. It's good to come on here and talk to us, it certainly does help, hope you feel better soon Kim, take care there..

Hiya Kim I'm sorry to hear about the bad night you had last night. Although I cant relate to what youve gone through, I do know that sometimes if I have a bad dream and wake up upset when I get back to sleep the dream starts again, the brain is a strange thing, but I think the best thing to do is probably to get up and have a hot drink and maybe listen to some music for abit to get your brain "cleansed" so hopefully when you go back to sleep your dreams wont reoccur. Hugs Karen

Oh, you guys are so wonderful!!! Thank you for what you have said - it's nice to know I'm not the only one who goes through this. Jean - I too dream of arguing with my mum and we scarecely did when she was alive! - and it leaves me feeling awful the next day. I think it is worse when you are under stress, but I can truthfully say life has been rosy lately (apart from the chickenpox, which Dawn knows about!!)...my only other explanation is Christmas - she LOVED it bigtime and it is always a hard time for me because I try and make it special for Rhys - although I haven't consciously being thinking of that side of things perhaps my subconscious kicked in. You are all very special people - thank you all for "listening" and taking the time to reply - I do feel a bit brighter now... Kim xxx

I can not imagine the pain you have gone through losing a parent but I do know what it's like to dream of one dying..... recently i have been having awful ones that my father dies and it is so so real..... I try to put it down to the tough times I've had recently and that the dream is showing me how bad it could be and so not to fret the small stuff!! Does that make sense? I hope so..... please try to keep smiling sweetie!! :O)

Hi Kim, just another one to let you know that what you have been going through is the normal part of greeving, as you have seen it does get better, but some time relapses happen, 18 years ago my nephew of 5 weeks died...cot death..for ages after I used to wake up crying as I dreamt of him crying, some times in my dream he was in a cot the side of my bed other times I was walking round the cemertry where he is buried. These days it is very reare that I have those dreams....I hope that time will show you some compassion and that the dreams will subside....lots of HUGS from me to you. :) Bev

Hi gang - just to let you know I had a WONDERFUL night last night - total oblivion - bliss!!!!!!!! Thanks for all your kind thoughts & messages, Kim xx

Kim The mind does do odd things. When my dad died I dreamt about him every night for months - they were happy dreams, often about my childhood, but when I woke up I had to face the reality that he was dead, which was tough. When my mother-in-law died I really missed her - she was like a second mum and we had the same taste in books, films, etc. I have never dreamt about her, but I was depressed after her death and it took me about 6 years to feel I was coping with it. I don't know why your mind is doing this now, but perhaps it would help if you thought of some happy memories when you go to sleep tonight. nell nell

Hi Kim, I do understand what you are going through, some nights I also have dreadful dreams, then can't sleep. I don't know what to say that will make it better, only by 'talking' to us on here, you are sharing your troubles with others who go through the same thing and understand. Thank God for GR's general topics board. Jo. X.

Baz - your message was so spot on - that was exactly it for me...dreaming she was dying - waking thinking "phew; at least it's just a bad dream" - then realising it's not. It never fails to amaze me how kind everyone (generally!) is on here...it's also so good to know other people are having or have had similar experiences. That's often the trouble with bereavements etc...thinking other people manage wonderfully & you're the only one who isn't...I learnt a long time ago that's not the case, but every now and again you think it is again for a while!!! I have had a thought - how do I send a Christmas card to all you lovely people?????!!!!!!! Thanks again - I do feel LOADS better today Kim xxxxxxx

Am glad to hear you had a better night last night Kim, was thinking of you. Take care :)

im so pleased you had a better night kim and are feeling better again today, thinking of you. sue

Hi Kim, sorry I was a bit late getting to this thread. I too can't begin to imagine what you've been through, but I'm glad that you felt better by getting it all off your chest. And everyone has given you such kind and helpful replies; don't forget all your friends are here whenever you need them. Love Mandy xx