General Chat

nudge

brian it will take you a while to come to terms with what has happened, you are still in shock i think. youll never loose her , she ll always be there with you. its been 11 years christmas eve since my mum left us all, a huge shock at the time , we miss her but feel shes around us, from hearing taps on windows when no ones there to the smell of a pot pouri mum was given about a year before she left, they only last a matter of months but often dad can be sat in the room and catch the fragrance of what the pot pouri originally was. with time you will feel able to cry and that will help you im sure , continue chatting to us and hope we can help you. thinking of you

Hi Brian, I thought you might like to know that your thread has helped me today. After entering a reply to you last night, I got sad news today that a much loved family member died this morning. I am very upset, but reading all the replies to your thread has helped me--so thank you very much.x

I'M NOT HERE Dont' stand by my grave and weep For I'm not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamonds glint on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn's rain. When you awaken in morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circle flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there, I did not die.

Brian, I think the most important thing is that you deal with this in ANY way you want. I didn't know Rita but I'm sure she would want you to think about yourself and how's best for you to cope with this. Ally my love becx

Brian, I can't add much more to the wonderful things people have written here, but speaking as one who has lost her beloved sisiter in August, I can say you will grow stronger, she is with you in spirit, I'm sure - and take heart from all these people here who understand. Best wishes, Cathy ~~

Brian I really do sympathise............my first husband died in 1973 two years after my first born who was 5 when he died. At the time I had another son of 3 and one more on the way and just seemed to carry on almost as normal maybe for their sake and sort of got on with it. The tears were a long long time coming and I found a the years passed and other people around me passed on such as my Dad the tears came them together with those for my Dad. Grieving is a strange process and we all deal with things ina different way. It is only now that I can have photos of my first husband and son around me - now I feel the need for them to be there. Don't worry about how you feel, like I said there is no set pattern to grieving,some people get on with life and it hits them later, some grieve for a time then move and there are others who cling to their deceased loved ones to the point of obsession. I hope you can come to terms with your loss and believe me - time is a great healer and you will eventually move and the memories will find a slot in your mind for you to tap into if and when you want or need to. I do wish you well I really do. I have another partner now who is very understanding and that helps me get on with my life. Best wishes to you...........................Mary

Brian. I am truly sorry for your loss. I will say a prayer for you to-night. I also lost my best mate ( my wife.) 15 years ago now, after a long battle with cancer. Carolyn was 39 years old at the time, ( very young.) and i still remember how i felt. At first i was angry and then frustrated. I hated the world and everything it stood for. How dare it take away the only thing i ever loved and cherished. Then i hated my wife for leaving me alone to cope, with 4 girls. I tried to hang on to her. Her smell, her clothes, and even the brush she comed her hair with, stayed under my pillow when i slept. I refused to let go. And i wasn't going to, until i was ready. I was so confused, and could never understand why i never cried at her funeral. ( was i strange.) Why didn't i cry? I feel now, it was because i was frightened to let go. So many emotions, all happening within a short time after her death. ( Confusion )It took me many years to eventually let go, but even now, after 15 years i feel her presence. And Yes, i still talk to her. Your wife will always be with you mate, and helping you when you least expect it. You will let go. But only when you are ready. Give it time, as there is no set of rules for this one. Take care of yourself, and may god bless. Tony. from Australia.

hi brian i lost myhusband suddenly just over 2 years ago now, he was 46 and i 38. it is still very early days for you and the human body has its own protective cushion against trauma and loss. I was told that my grieving was delayed, due to the suddenness of his death and told that the human mind in certain cases will only allow limited ackowledgement of the situation, fearing that the full comprehension of facts may prove to much to cope with all at once.It is still only a matter of weeks since your loss and your still shellshocked from it all, but whilst you feel "out of it and detached" to a degree, your grieving has allready started and what you feel is perfectly normal. remember! there is no time limit on grieving brian,you will have good days and bad days my friend but you have something very special, you have many friends on this site that will be here for you, should you just want to talk away or just be around.im thinking of you tonight and praying for better days to come soon. take care. sue

Brian i did'nt grieve properly for 18months and it was the people on this site that helped me to get through it with encouragement and sympathy and kindness, you will never forget your wife, but you will move forward as time goes on, it's so hard to cope at times, god bless you, David

Brian I too am aquainted with loss and can empathise with you. My first wife and unborn baby died, I have lost two brothers and two sisters. Grieving takes us through many stages, the first often being disbelief maybe followed by anger. It is a slow process and may take up to a year before acceptance and peace. When I did cry, it was a relief. It is a natural process and will not affect the relationship with the lost loved one. Len

Brian,you are in my thoughts, you are not being selfish, Rita will always be with you xxxxxxxxxxx

Brian I am so sorry to hear about Rita you are in my thoughts and prayers grieveing takes on many forms you should not hold it in you will never break the bond you have so let you emotions go when ever you want you need to go through all the diffrent stages of grief to heal. We are all here for you we will help you though this I promise. Love Debs.

Brian I like the rest have lost a loved one - my nanna this year and I was so desperate to know that she was alright I started going to the spiritualist church - I also became obsessed with finding my ancestors and any living relative so I joined GC - I have come across so many lovely people on this site that now it becomes almost a daily ritual to log on and see whose around. With regard to grieving - I personally believe that we do NOT grieve for those we have lost ( as they have gone to a better place) but for ourselves - I notice that on my Life after Death thread that you have written a comment about your wife "visiting" you - therefore you do not have to grieve as the love you felt for her is reciprocated as she still wants to be around you and with you. We may lose the body of the person we love and the company also - but the one thing we NEVER lose is the memories we hold in our brains. I wish you well my friend and hope that my words have some form of comfort for you. I still miss my nan terribly but the memories help to ease the pain of her not being here in person with me. God Bless T J X

Brian As many wise people on this site have said - grief takes on many forms. Give yourself time. Do not worry about where or when-you will know when you want to grieve. Lots of love Liz

Brian, your message struck a real chord with many of us here. I hope from everyone's message, you can see that we are all still connected to our loved ones, even though they are gone. My Dad didn't cry when my Mam died after 40 happy years together. Her last two years were agony and we all cried endlessly as we watched her suffer. When she passed, Dad said he couldn't feel her near him anymore, and he was upset because my sister and I could, and felt guilty cos he couldn't cry. My sister and I could feel Mam and hear her talking to us, and my brother could see her. Dad didn't cry at all for 7 months, and this worried him as it worries you. Then Dad went on holiday with my sister to a favourite place--the Lake District where we had many family holidays as kids. Being there brought the memories flooding back, and Dad wept terribly for the whole time he was there. It was very distrssing for him, til I pointed out it was perfectly normal and what does it matter if people see him walking down the street in floods of tears? He didn't know anyone there and it liberated him to let it out. Dad came back from that holiday a changed man. He felt free to express his sadness, but also free to smile at the memories. Something else happened too--Mam came back to him. Because he'd rid himself of the 'block' inside him, he started to feel her presence, hear her voice, and even dreaming beautiful dreams of her. The bond you had with Rita can never be broken. It is such early days for you--my Dad and I agree it does get easier after the first year, when all the first anniversaries are over. I still cry for my Mam, but I also laugh and hear her laughing. I still treasure silly little things--her teddy, a letter, an old shopping list, her cook books with scribbled notes in--all kept safe in a special box. These things would mean nothing to anyone else, but they mean the world to me because when I look at them, it's like she's right there with me. I am sure you will find the same. Just give yourself the time that you need--and as long as you need. And remember there are plenty people here to talk to! XX

Brian you will grieve in your own time, and in your own way, everyone is different and deals with it in different ways. Take Care thinking of you Sandra

Brian, I truly am so sorry, don't be so hard on yourself, you're certainly not selfish in any way. There is no set time/way to grieve, each person is different. You will find your own way to handle this and you will always have your special memories - nobody and nothing can ever take those from you. Wishing you all the very best. Love Kxx

Brian, just another message to let you know, that we all grieve in different ways, when my father-in-law died, I was strong for my then husband, our son's and for my mother-in-law, I also felt like I should be grieving but didn't think I was, what was wrong with me I loved that man like he was my own father, then 6 months later a friend at work lost her granddaughter in an accident, and the flood gates opened for me while I was trying to be strong for her...so as you can see, it happens when you least expect it, and yes I still felt him around after so they never leave us..even now I still some times have that funny feeling, and smile, he's still around. Bev

Brian I am so sorry for your loss. You will grieve in your own way when the time is right it will just happen. Do not be hard on yourself it is early days yet. I will be thinking of you. Kindest Regards Margaret