General Chat

Two cows in a field and one says to the other 'Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?' 'No' 'Why's that?' 'I'm a squirrel!' Two snakes slithering along, one says to the other 'Are we the sort of snake that wraps around things, crushes them and eats them or are we the sort of snake that poisons things and then eats them?' 'We crush things. Why?' 'Thank goodness for that, I've just bit me lip!'

An Oldie, but a goody. HEY WAITER!!! There's a fly in my soup? Waiter: SHhhh, not so loud, otherwise everyone will want one? Tony .Oz

Can send u lots clean and rude! Hubby know millions!

Man in pub. Barman do you have frogs legs. Yes sir. Well hop over the counter and get me a cheese sandwich!

Last one for tonight: Some self-evident truths about pets... Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff. Dogs shed, cats shred. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult? No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life. We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Real Mothers . . . Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids. Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets. Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best." Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mummy to Mum. Kxx

Here goes Gerry A women is in hospital in a coma after having twins and her husband is out of town when she awakes she asked the doctor if her babies were alright yes they are fine said the doctor but we had to get your brother to name them Nooooooo she said my brother can't name them he is really stupid with that he walks in the door what did you name my babies she ask well he said the first one was a girl so I called her Denise that is fine she said, good he said the second one was a boy so I called him Denephew Debs.

Heh, thanks guys. I knew you would come up trumps. I will send her a new joke every day to give her a good start to the day. You have brought tears to my eyes with your kindness. Gerry

I asked a mate, who likes a bet, if he wanted the winner of the 3-30, you're joking he said " I've only got a small garden"

a little something, hope it helps. Especially like the one about brushing hair - have been guilty of that myself! Hope your friend feels better soon. Kxx Things learnt as a kid: Never trust a dog to watch your food. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Stay away from prunes. Never pee on an electric fence. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Never try to baptize a cat.

Gerry - you asked for it!!!! 9 cows in a field - which one is Iranian? coo 8!!! apologies!!!! Anne

help. I have a friend who needs a few laughs at the moment but I am useless at jokes. Used to get lots of great ones from here, but they seem to have dried-up lately. Lynda, what has happened to all yours? Gerry