General Chat

Linda Nor mine! LOL Pam read this on Countdown about 18 months ago, and I thought it was wonderful. It was as if she was talking about my Grandad, my Dad, my husband, my son............shall I go on? Of course my husband doesn't think it's funny at all.....no sense of humour these men! LOL Sue

I think this is my favourite Pam Ayres poem though............. Anybody else got one like this? LOL THEY SHOULD HAVE ASKED MY HUSBAND by Pam Ayres You know this world is complicated, imperfect and oppressed And it's not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed. It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow And people want solutions but they don’t know where to go. Opinions abound but who is wrong and who is right. People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light. Someone they can turn to as the crises rage and swirl. Someone with the remedy, the wisdom, and the pearl. Well . . . they should have asked my ‘usband, he’d have told’em then and there. His thoughts on immigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair, The future of the monarchy, house prices in the south The wait for hip replacements, BSE and foot and mouth. Yes . . . they should have asked my husband he can sort out any mess He can rejuvenate the railways he can cure the NHS So any little niggle, anything you want to know Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go. Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs The damage to the ozone layer, refugees and drugs. These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke But present it to my husband and he’ll solve it at a stroke. He’ll clarify the situation; he will make it crystal clear You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs, and the bending of your ear. Corruption at the top, he’s an authority on that And the Mafia, Gadafia and Yasser Arafat. Upon these areas he brings his intellect to shine In a great compelling voice that’s twice as loud as yours or mine. I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong, Infallible, articulate, self-confident …… and wrong. When it comes to tolerance – he hasn’t got a lot Joyriders should be guillotined and muggers should be shot. The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears. My friends don’t call so often, they have busy lives I know But its not everyday you want to hear a windbag suck and blow. Encyclopaedias, on them we never have to call Why clutter up the bookshelf when my husband knows it all!

THE WONDERBRA by Pam Ayres I bought myself a Wonderbra For fourteen ninety nine, It looked so good on the model girl's chest, And I hoped it would on mine, I took it from the packaging And when I tried it on, The Wonderbra restored to me All I believed had gone Chorus: Let's all salute the Wonderbra, The Wonderbra, the Wonderbra, Let's all salute the Wonderbra, For fourteen ninety-nine. It gave me such a figure, I can't believe it's mine, I showed it to my husband And it made his eyeballs shine, And when I served the breakfast, The kids cried out, 'Hooray! Here comes our darling mother, with her bosom on a tray!' I didn't really need one, my present bra, it's true, Had only been in constant use Since nineteen eighty-two, But the silhouette I dreamed about, Is mine, is mine at last, And builders on the scaffolding, Drop off as I walk past Chorus: Singing .. let's all salute the Wonderbra, The Wonderbra, the Wonderbra, Let's all salute the Wonderbra For fourteen ninety-nine!

They were great! Thanks. Any more Bob or anyone? Gerri

Have got a couple of her shows on audio book, and they are hilarious! Very helpful if you can't get to sleep! Mandy :)

The flit gun By Pam Ayres My mother has a flit gun, it's not devoid of charm. A bit of flit shot out of it, the rest shot up her arm!

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth, And spotted the perils beneath, All the toffees I chewed, And the sweet sticky food, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth. I wish I'd been that much more willin' When I had more tooth there than fillin' To pass up gobstoppers, From respect to me choppers And to buy something else with me shillin'. When I think of the lollies I licked, And the liquorice allsorts I picked, Sherbet dabs, big and little, All that hard peanut brittle, My conscience gets horribly pricked. My Mother, she told me no end, "If you got a tooth, you got a friend" I was young then, and careless, My toothbrush was hairless, I never had much time to spend. Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right, I flashed it about late at night, But up-and-down brushin' And pokin' and fussin' Didn't seem worth the time... I could bite! If I'd known I was paving the way, To cavities, caps and decay, The murder of fiIlin's Injections and drillin's I'd have thrown all me sherbet away. So I lay in the old dentist's chair, And I gaze up his nose in despair, And his drill it do whine, In these molars of mine, "Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there." How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth, As they foamed in the waters beneath, But now comes the reckonin' It's me they are beckonin' Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth. Pam Ayres

I'm the dolly on the dustcart, I can see you're not impressed, I'm fixed above the driver's cab, With wire across me chest, The dustman see, he noticed me, Going in the grinder, And he fixed me on the lorry, I dunno if that was kinder. This used to be a lovely dress, In pink and pretty shades, But it's torn now, being on the cart, And black as the ace of spades, There's dirt all round me face, And all across me rosy cheeks, Well, I've had me head thrown back, But we ain't had no rain for weeks. I used to be a 'Mama' doll, Tipped forward, I'd say, 'Mum' But the rain got in me squeaker, And now I been struck dumb, I had two lovely blue eyes, But out In the wind and weather, One's sunk back in me head like, And one's gone altogether. I'm not a soft, flesh coloured dolly, Modern children like so much, I'm one of those hard old dollies, What are very cold to touch, Modern dolly's underwear, Leaves me a bit nonplussed, I haven't got a bra, But then I haven't got a bust! But I was happy in that doll's house, I was happy as a Queen, I never knew that Tiny Tears, Was coming on the scene, I heard of dolls with hair that grew, And I was quite enthralled, Until I realised my head Was hard and pink... and bald. So I travel with the rubbish, Out of fashion, out of style, Out of me environment, For mile after mile, No longer prized... dustbinised! Unfeminine, Untidy, I'm the dolly on the dustcart, And there's no collection Friday.

by Pam Ayres