General Chat

Maybe I am showing my age or something.... I dream of times when women didn't have to go to work. When my children were little in the 1980's I had to be quite strong about my decision to stay at home with them and not go out to work, even then I was chastised by certain friends, family and others, being called "lazy" because I wanted to be with my children, helping them develop and grow. I wouldn't hand my children over to a child minder, I wanted to bring them up myself! Believe me when I say it certainly wasn't the easy option, my ex husband worked away and there were always plenty of jobs to do. When my son and daughter reached school age, I tried to go back to work because of peer pressure really and it had disasterous results, my daughter, in particular, used to scream every time I left her and I ended up suffering from depression. Even now they are grown up, I would love nothing more than to be able to stay at home and take care of the house, so to speak. I have, more out of financial necessity, had several jobs, some managerial, some not, most have been stimulating but eventually I become unsettled. The extra money is nice but I would gladly do without it for a happier, simple life, one without having to juggle things like cleaning, washing, sewing, decorating, gardening etc with spending 10 hours+ per day including travel in the work place. My new husband is great around the house but neither of us feel like doing much when we get in at night. People say to me.... "Get a cleaner".... "Have someone do your ironing".... "Employ a gardener"...... I don't want to, why can't I stay at home and do all this rather than pay someone else? Some say, "I couldn't stay at home all day with my kids" or "I'd be climbing the walls if I was at home all day" but I just don't feel the same, I meet some nice people at work but I don't need to go to work for a social life. I have plenty of friends to call on. The trouble today is that it has now become almost financially impossible to live on one wage, and a woman's choice to go out to work seems now to have taken away a woman's choice not to go out to work.

I don't think women have ever had a "choice" to work - society dictates whether we work or not, whether for financial reasons or economic ones. Years ago working class women worked till they dropped. Women who aspired to respectability didn't work and some professions such as teaching demanded that women gave up work when they married. Women took over many "men's jobs" during both world wars and were told their children were fine in nurseries while they were in factories. After the war, when I was born, there were no nurseries to send children to, and I found going straight from being at home with mum all day to being at school all day with no playgroup or nursery first was a huge shock. I work at a local school which means that I get the school holidays and am home when my children get home. I really enjoy the job, but the downside is the pay is poor and I can't afford to pay someone to do all the housework/gardening I don't have time for. nell

Having worked full-time, been a full-time mum and now working part-time, I have to say I always preferred the other option! nell

I am a stay at home mum. I have 4 children the eldest is 9 and youngest is 2, i have not worked since my eldest was born and i love it! not because im lazy but because i love being at home with the kids and im glad i have been able to do so. I dont claim benefits, my partner supports us so im not scrounging. I will one day go back to work, but my children wont be children for long and i want to be here for them. Emma x

Gaynor - I know where you're coming from and I symapthise! I'm not in the same situation but can identify with what you say. I have no children and, until recently, worked (mainly full-time). I had a career in IT for about 15 years and was labelled a 'career woman', I was doing OK until a combination of bad experiences knocked my confidence. I no longer wanted the career and it took me another few years to finally jack it in - I always felt I had to carry on as it was hard to throw off the 'label'! I've never settled in a job since - I am very lucky in that I don't HAVE to work - from a financial aspect - I've been busy doing things around house and garden for last 6 months, I still feel though that I SHOULD be working! I'm hoping to start up my own business this year, but I still want time to appreciate the home, garden and countryside! I think lots of Mums would prefer to be at home - I think I would if I had had any children.

Gaynor I agree with you I have three children and I gave up work when I had my first child. My sister in law and a woman I knew thought I was crazy, they both got Au Pairs (teenage girls) in so they could go back to work after about 6 months. There was no way I was handing my child over to a young girl everyday so I could continue working. The first few years are so precious I would not have missed them for anything, I brought them to playschool and then school everyday and was there at the gate to collect them. We struggled a bit financially but I think it was worth it. I think I pulled my weight at home, Cooking, Cleaning, Decorating, all the shopping, Gardening even to repairing all sorts so they weren't left for hubby to do when he got back from work. I also was the one that got up at nights when the children needed anything, so the hubby wouldn't be cream crackered going off to work. Although some people did make me feel like I should have been working I ignored it and felt I don't have to do what everyone else thinks I should do. Pat x

It's a vicious circle: Two incomes means you can pay more for a house, which puts up house prices, so you need two incomes to afford the mortgage, which means you both work!

That's ONE of my points Brian.... these days no one has the choice if you want to buy a house - it costs so much you do both have to work.... 2½ years ago an average semi was worth approx £50,000 in the North West of England, now you pay at least double that. It was hard enough to buy a house at 50k on a single average income, but now! .................... no chance

I haven't worked properly since having my children ( oldest 21 years old now). We lived over 50 miles from relations so I had no back up to help me with any childcare and I wouldn't have earnt enough to justify it. When I had my 2nd daughter 4 years later, things got worse as she was hyperactive from day one. Husband worked shifts 50 miles away in London. Absolute nightmare. No help. I couldn't have gone bakc even if I had wanted too. We've never had any money spare and life is tough. My youngest is now 10 and I will be at home until he starts secondary school. I hope to get a part time job this year in school time to get back in the swing of things. It's been very hard both financially and emotionally but I'm glad I have been at home for all three of them. I am not an ambitious career person so don't feel I have missed out in that way. Extra money would have been nice as it is very tough. Hopefully the easier times are to come. My eldest is now in her own place with her boyfriend. My special needs daughter is now 17 and still quite dependant on us, and will be for some time to come. But thats life. Diane

I have 5 kids and worked in a restaurant up til i had my 4th child working 4o hours a week.Now i have 5 i work from home running mine and my husbands business.I structure my day around the kids and school.I still work 40 hours a week,run the house and to and fro with the kids.People tend to think cus i work my kids miss out,they don't at all.i'm there for homework,watching my son play rugby in the rain,taking my daughter swimming etc.My kids do not miss out cus i work fulltime.everyone is different and some can manage to do both and others can't.My kids are happy for me to work,they don't go without anything.when we go on holiday they get me and their dad for 2 weeks non stop and by the end of the first week they are moaning about us.

I understand Gaynor. I have a 7 year old daughter and have worked full time since she was 4 months old. I also do all the washing, ironing, cleaning etc etc. I would have given anything to stay at home with my daughter, it broke my heart to leave her but I couldn't afford not to. When my maternity pay ran out that was that. It didn't take long to get into the routine and I find that all of the time I spend with her is quality time. She is very well balanced, far from shy and a lovely caring girl. In an ideal world I would love to work part time so I can still mix with adults and keep my independence while at the same time spending more time with Ellie and be able to actually get on top of the ironing!! It's a tough life but we only get one shot at it so we have to do the best we can. Jack x

Yes, it is very sad.... I wasn't trying to say that mother's who work full time aren't able to give their children as much of themselves - sorry Claire if that's what you read, what I mean is that the choice seems to have been taken away from women... after having fought all these years for equality in the work place so that women can go to work if they want to for equal pay etc, women that were happy to be at home looking after the family have had THEIR choices taken away. Some women seem to wear like a trophy their abilty to have a full time job and still do all the things that a mother at home would do.... personally I have tried it and hated it - everyone lost out and so did I. Even now my children are 18 and 20 I still feel that I prefer to be a homemaker and look forward to the day when I can look after my Grandchildren........ provided I don't need to go out to work full time

Reading these replies has made me realise just how fortunate I am. Circumstances surrounding his birth meant that we only had one child. I stayed at home until he started school, then began looking for part-time secretarial work (I was a trained PA before I had him). I got a job as a part-time school administrator and am still there 11 years later, despite being diagnosed with ME during that time. It's been brilliant from my son's point of view, as he's hardly been aware of me working, and for me it means that I have adult company, keep up to date with IT developments, and even keep one or two of the old brain cells functioning. I don't take anything for granted, and I know that I'm very lucky to have the work/home balance. Mandy :)

Now Mandy - that is perfect.... you lucky lady mwah :-) xxx