General Chat

One man says to another, "I never knew the meaning of happiness till I got married, but by then it was too late!" "I have the perfect husband." says one woman to the other. "What makes you say that?" says her friend. "He remembers my birthday, but forgets my age!" A man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married. A policeman who had arrested a wife for murder asked, "Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" She replied, "I didn't want to wake the children." Why do women find it so difficult to find men who are caring, intelligent, fashionable, good-looking and fun to be around? Because all those men have boyfriends. "Why did you make women so beautiful?" a man asked of God. God replied, "So you would love her." "Why did you give women amazing culinary skills?" the man asked. God said, "So you would love her." "Why, if you wanted man to love woman, why did you make woman so stupid?" asked the man. And God replied "So she would love you." A woman stays by her husband’s hospital bedside 24-7 as he lies in a coma for months on end. Finally, he wakes "You have stuck by me through thick and thin. When I lost my job, when we lost the house, you were there by my side. When our son died and the dog ran off, you supported me. When my business crumbled and then again when I got shot. And now my health is failing and you are still beside me helping me through it all. It’s really starting to annoy me – I was fine before I married you!" A father and son are walking through a chemists and the son picks up a packet of condoms and says, "Dad, what are these?". So the father explains. Then the son asks, "Why do they come in packs of three, six and 12?" His father replies, "The packs of three are for teenage boys, they use one on Friday night, one on Saturday night and one on Sunday night. The packs of six are for twentysomethings. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday. The twelve packs are for married men. They use one in January, one in February..." Satan appears before a congregation before mass is due to start. Once everyone realises that Beelzebub is standing before them, they all get up and run, except one man. He just sits there staring at evil personified. The Devil is slightly perplexed by this as it has been many centuries since someone has had the courage to be seated in his presence. So he goes to the man and asks, "Why are you not scared of me as the rest of your people are?" and the man replies, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years." Why is it more advantageous for a woman to be pretty than for her to be intelligent? Because men have better vision than they do minds. The definition of marriage: Man loses his Bachelors degree and woman gets her Masters. A little boy says to his dad, "In some parts of the world, a man doesn't know his wife before he marries her. Is that true?" "That's the case the world over," replies his father. “A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke” Helen Rowland “Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable” Oscar Wilde Sign in a marriage counsellor's window: “Out to lunch - think it over.” “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.” Rodney Dangerfield “Never go to bed on an argument, stay up and fight.” Phyllis Diller The little boy attending a wedding for the first time turns to his father and asks, "Why is the bride wearing white?" His father replies "So that the dishwasher matches the fridge and washing machine." A man is contemplating sunbathing nude in his back garden and asks his wife for her opinion. "The neighbours will think I married you for your money," came her reply. "Do you realise what you did?" she asked her husband. "No. But I am sorry for it," he replied. Wife: "It took me till after we were married to discover how stupid you are." Husband: "You should have realised that the moment I proposed." "My advice to you," a mother told her daughter, "is that if he's giving you all that you ask for, then you aren't asking for enough." "You come home from work everyday and I ask you how it went," Mrs. McBrien said to her husband. "And everyday, I listen to all that happened. You never ask me how my day went. You never take any interest in my day." "So how was your day?" Mr McBrien asked with a sigh. "Don't ask!" she said turning away. "I had such an argument with my wife last night, Shaun, but we sorted it out eventually," Bill says, one lunchtime in the pub. "She wanted to go to bingo and I wanted to go to the cinema." "So how was the bingo?" replies Shaun with a grin. "Why is your belly so big?" the young daughter asked her mother. "There's a baby in there," the mother explained. "How did it get in there?" "Your father gave it to me." So off went the little girl to her father. "Dad…you know you gave Mum that baby?" "Yes?" said her father. "She’s swallowed it." "My wife and I have the greatest arrangement," one man said to the other. "There is nothing one of us wouldn't do for the other. That's how we like it, never doing anything for each other!" "I'm worried about my husband's driving,” one woman said to the other. "You mean he drives like he's at Silverstone?" her friend replied. "No, he's always hitting trees." Groom to bride: For your honeymoon, I’m going to take you somewhere hot and steamy you’ve never been! Bride: Where’s that? Groom: The kitchen!

So when do we get the small penis jokes then Kerry? As it's knock blokes night!