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When we met Mr Owl and his wife were separated and in the process of divorcing. The divorce came through almost a year to the day that he and I first met in person. When we first met he had a good relationship with his children and saw them every week.
I told Mr Owl on our third date that one day I wanted to be a parent. I made it clear that if he was alright with that I wasn’t going to tell him I was pregnant in nine months time but equally at 31 I didn’t want us to end up where we are now both wanting different things. He asked if I could be happy as a mother of one. “ If course I can.” “ I never sat down and planned how many children I wanted just that I wanted to be a parent one day.”
About 18 months after we got together things started going wrong with his children and his ex wife. One of the children was diagnosed with ADHD. Mr Owl said if Billy (not real name) needs medication the fair enough but did you mention diet to the doctor? The reason he brought up diet was when Mr Owl was a boy if he was given certain foods like Irn Bru and blue smarties you had to peel him off the ceiling. If he didn’t get those artificial stimulants though everything was fine and he appears to have grown out of it as an adult. He tried suggesting talking to the doctor and seeing if a few minor changes in diet might be worth a try before Billy ends up on medication for the rest of his life. His ex wife refused to countenance anything except what the doctor had said.
The following week only one of the children wanted to go out with him and a week later again none of the children would even see their dad. Now he sends birthday and Christmas cards and money but we don’t know if the children get them.
I could never/would never deny him access to our child even if our relationship didn’t last. Though I would never have married him if I thought that would be the outcome. My mum’s mum Iris (not real name) walked out when my mum was 7 leaving my grandad a single parent raising two children in the 1960s and 70s. Iris disappeared halfway across the world with another man for a few years. Iris came back to the uk with another man 10 years younger than herself and they had two children. Iris occasionally saw my mum and her brother but my grandad was so bitter he made it difficult. As an adult though my mum tried to have a relationship with Iris which Iris claimed she wanted. Iris quickly gave up leaving my mum feeling rejected again.
As a result my mum smothers us her children, children in law and grandchildren as she doesn’t want any of us to feel unloved or unwanted. I could never let my child experience that kind of pain.
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Please don't engineer an accident.
That is not a truthful way to achieve something so important.
Did the relationship with the children break down before you got together and married?
This is not going to be resolved without a lot of honest heart to heart between you and Mr Owl.
Does he know how much you yearn for a child?
Only the two of you can work this out and I can see both sides of this situation, but your longing could turn to resentment in years to come.
Please sit down and talk calmly. This may mean revealing your innermost thoughts, but this is something so important to your relationship that honesty is the best policy.
I hope you can find a way through this.
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Tawny only you & your partner can sort this out if you say have accident he might feel trapped. He should consider your feelings as well talk it through tell him how you feel you are step mum to four his children. Don't worry about the past this is here & now good luck x
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I don’t know who else to talk to right now. Mr Owl is a father of four and none of them will talk to him now thanks to their mother, their aunt or grandparents whispering sweet nothings. Mr Owl still sends birthday and Christmas cards and money even though we don’t know if they get anything. When his eldest reaches 18 he will try and contact her and see how she feels but at the moment they refuse to see their dad and he would never force screaming children.
It has however coloured his view on us having children despite the fact that both he and I have good relationships with our dads. I’m desperate to be a parent and he cannot imagine anything worse at the moment though he says if I fall pregnant we’ll go with it.
He forgets one massive detail in my life is that I’ve seen the other side as my mum’s mother walked out when she was 7. I have told him I wouldn’t have married him if I thought it wouldn’t work and either way I would never put a child through what my mum has suffered. He will always have a relationship with our child as I would never allow a child to suffer as my mum has but it means nothing and I’m seriously considering an accident to force the outcome. I’m almost 37 time is not on my side.
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