General Chat

Hi all, Are any of you good people new full time carers for their spouse. How do you cope. Do you find it lonely, hard to deal with (especially if you dont feel well yourself).

I adore my hubby but am finding life very hard and stressful at the moment.
I dont feel like a wife anymore, just a carer and housekeeper.

I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me as there are a lot of people a lot worse off than me, I would just like to hear if anyone has any tips to help me cope.:(

Wishing everyone a belated Happy New Year

Yes I was a full time carer for my husband for nearly 5 years

At first it wasn't too bad he was able to do things for himself like seeing to his personal hygiene, and his self appointed chores like put the rubbish out and being the dishwasher monitor

He had to give up driving and he had more and more falls that I had to get the ambulance people out get him up
I became more and more responsible for his health and care

I did get the hospital and the family doctor involved in help for him and he went to the falls clinic and to a chair based exercise group

Through the group I found out about a day care unit through Age UK
He went there on a wed they picked him up by minibus and brought him home He was given lunch as well as snacks and they involved them with small projects
He enjoyed it and it gave me a spare few hours for myself . I would do the weekly shop , have my hair done , or do things like dental appointments without worrying about him

It was hard work both physical as well as mental

Having now lost him I am glad I looked after him when he needed care <3

I am not a carer myself but my brother gave up work a few years ago to become a full time carer for the last couple of years of our Dad's life and I know how stressful that was so my heart goes out to you and others in your position.

On a more practical note, is there a careers' support group in your area? Maybe your local council can put you in touch with one. Just talking to others in the same position can help. Accept all the help you are offered. Does your hubby need someone with him all the time? Some of the charities will arrange for someone to sit with him while you get a little break.

Above all, look after your own health and rest as much as you can.

Thinking of you <3

anne-Marie, check at your library and doctors surgery sometimes there will be information about carer support. Try googling carer support for your area, something might come up.

Do you have something called Streetlife in your area? This is a national concern broken down into local areas. Put Streetlife.com into your browser and see if there is a local one. It is a web site On there you can then put up a posting to ask if there are any other carers in your area.

I am not a carer but I can imagine how alone you can feel sometimes. Hope you find something. <3

HI Annmarie,
I am a full time carer,one thing you must do is register at your GP .surgery that you are caring for someone full time.i saw a notice in my doctors some years ago,and signed up,one advantage is you get appointments for your self quicker,whether doctors or hospitals,
also register with CARE UK..it is a good organisation and they look after carers.,fight for our rights etc.they will send you a card to carry with your special number on it(,for should anything happen that you are delayed or ill,)someone will be put in place to take care of the person needing care.
most of all take time for YOU.its not easy being a carer,we do it because we care for out loved ones,dont feel alone ,there are many on this site who will help you.
Happy New Year
best wishes
wendy(lincs)

Lavender, gallons and gallons of lavender.

Make sure you are getting all the help you are entitled to.

If he is in a wheelchair you can have your house taken down a band of council tax.

I found Age UK very helpful . We even got his stairlift installed though a recommended installer who had to comply with their guidlines of no pressure selling and a clean installation . They even rang me after the installation to make sure we were satisfied .

Michael also had six monthly check ups at the memory clinic and with our permission they sent a nurse aid to check over the home and to recommend things and aids that may help him .

It was all done very kindly and with no pressure which was good because Michael was a quiet man but he didn't take kindly to anyone telling him what to do especially as his dementia worsened

What I would recommend is to ask your doctors ,and any other agencies involved on your husbands welfare, what help is out there for YOU to try and ease the pressure on you

I wasn't able to leave Michael on his own at all as it wasn't safe due to his poor balance and risk of falling so the one day a week was good for him to get out of the house and be with others . It also helped me to recharge my batteries a bit

Make sure that you claim Attendance Allowance. It is tax free and doesn't affect anything else you may be receiving.

Yes make sure you apply for attendance allowance and when filing in the form make sure you go by his worst day when giving the details of what care you have to provide

Michael got the top rate and this paid for his day centre as we werernt on any benefits we had the pay the full cost .

Also is your hubby able to get out and do you drive .if so apply for a disabled parking badge

A Big Thank You to you all for commenting. I have taken in all you have said.

I think I was mainly having a bit of a wobble as I didnt feel very well myself and I just miss the closeness we once had.

I suppose I am partly to blame, as I have always done everything in the home, always looked after our finances, shopping etc and I suppose waited on hubby hand and foot. Now I am in my 70s I am finding it hard to do everything.
Really sorry, just having another winge.

Thank you all once again for all your helpful comments. <3 <3

You winge on , I did, on and on and on!

People on here are very supportive indeed and I am only too grateful for the support I had, and the advice.

One piece f advice I had and wished I had taken, I think it was just something else I needed to do and it just didn't get done, was to keep a diary.Even if you don't actually get round to doing that,make sure you keep a note of phone numbers because you will get to have a huge selection of them. Make sure you write down who the number belongs to at the time you write it down too. The time I wasted ringing wheelchair services when I needed bed repairs was ridiculous.

Chin up, you will do it you know. There is more to you than you think.

Thank you Sharron,

I always enjoyed all your postings and had many a giggle with you sometimes at the antics of you and your family.

Thats a great idea of a diary. Will take you up on that.

Thanks again. :-)

anne Marie, we are here to be whinged at. We all have a rant now and again, that is what is so great about chat boards like this. We can take any amount of ranting and offer support because we are slightly detached from the situation so it doesn't mentally affect us. I hope you have found something among the suggestions that youa re able to act on. The diary is a good start. :-) :-)

Anne Marie

There were times that I snapped at my hubby because he was being nasty . I knew it was part of his dementia but at times that didn't help

I had to remind myself from time to time that he couldn't help it and I would try to turn things around and give him a cuddle and tell him I loved him grumpy old sod !!!

It takes its toll both physically and mentally. I was lucky I was able to get my sleep which did charge the batteries for the next day

It isn't easy loving them whilst being exhausted with all the care that is needed but we do it because we care

Do try to take all the help you can ,try to get of the house from time to time on your own it does help

Remember too we are here on genes to listen to you .

I had great help and listening ears when I needed to offload my worries

Shirley, don't forget that it wasn't your fault either.


I always kept in mind that it was Fred's stroke and not mine. It was never going to turn me into Mother Teresa.

I am my grandsons carer although not full time at mo. He is only 20 and has Huntingdons. My time is filled with appointments and although all this people mean well I do get lost in all of this. Grandson is also becoming hard work as memory is going and as its not aged related, I find people do not understand. Keep doing what you are doing and people on here will support you xx

Sharron, that's a very valid point.

We all do our best but support from others and a break when possible, along with trying to find humour in day to day things, is vital. I hope you, AnnMarie, have support from those around you so you can get breaks and time for yourself.

I have found myself becoming more of a carer to my o.h. despite him still working. Since his father's stroke, he has deteriorated further himself. My health is worse due to the fm, cfs, and arthritis. He is neglectful of his needs re his diabetes, his memory problems are worse, and his mobility is worse. His cataracts are developing, one will need fixing soon, and I have to do all night driving. It's a bit like having a large toddler to deal with, a lot of the time. Heyho, plod on!

Good luck, AnnMarie



Lizx

Thank you all again.
Sharron I will never be remotely like Mother teresa, not by a long shot, lol

Ann, It must be really hard for you with looking after your grandson.

PurpleSpark;yDiamond, my situation is similar to yours, although we are both retired hubby is very neglectful of his needs, not taking his medication unless I remind him, his memory is getting worse,he has sight problems and now cannot drive which again leaves it all to me.he is also very unsteady on his feet and falls quite often.None of this is his fault, I know that but at times it is so hard.Yes it is like dealing with a large toddler at times.lol.
Like so many of you good people sometimes I find it very hard to cope but all you kind people on here really do help, some with very good suggestions, others with such kind words.



<3 <3

AnnMarie, I don't feel as kindly towards my 'toddler' - most of his behaviour is exacerbated by stubbornness and a secret cider habit. His sons don't live locally, so there's only me to do anything for him. Twice when we have had a break on the coast he's forgotten some of his medications, the first time I drove back to fetch them. The second time I managed to get the surgery to send the six pills needed to a branch of the usual pharmacy but in the coastal town. A bit of a faff but saved a 50 mile round trip and time out of the 'holiday'

Lizxx

Oh dear Liz, not much of a holiday for you, was it.
We used to enjoy weekends away but hubby is not good outside his own environment.
He hates being in company he dosnt know and like yours is very stubborn.
I read today that I should write down every night the good things that had happened that day and read back on them at the end of the month. Will try this and see if it helps.

Sharron I bought my diary today. Have started writing all appointments and phone numbers in it. Thank, you.

Wendy, Do I just go into my doctors and say I am a full time carer and can you register me?

Thank you all again.

AnnMarie. xx