General Chat

your going up the wrong track mate . you should

Become a Neep and Onion Farmer they get to

get some very good government subsidies and people always want onions and sometimes neeps. Tatties are always in demand as well.

Oh joy, thought our hero and made his way with haste to the nearest Government office. Here he found a very helpful chap with a bowler hat who said "what luck you are in, there is a plot of land and farmhouse in a nook in bonny Scotland. A beautiful golden haired fair maiden farms it at the moment, but is looking for a helping hand and you look just the person we are looking for."

With the details in his hand, and his neeps and onions and tatties in his napsack, he was on the first express to Scotland, he found the nook and knocked on the door and

A grumpy looking old man opened the door can i help you ken .Eye i have come aboot a job .i am expert grower of neeps .just show me your field i will make you

a very rich man , bye the way where's the beautiful

Blonde Bird? Heh Heh Heh, went the old geezer,that was just a`ploy to get some one here to farm for me and Faggot Faced Fanny ,she,s looking for some bloke to marry and share her

four poster bed,Omg thought our hero Ive jumped out of the frying pan into the fire and now I'm miles away from

any sanctuary,he tried to get away but suddenly a great cloud enveloped him, it was her, smoking the biggest pipe he,d ever seen( or was it steam coming out of her nostrils ) in her great passion to get her hands on him,they were great big ones large enough to

Gather his neeps tatties and onions in,and

as she lumbered towards him ,help came from an unsuspected quarter,it was Nelly Dean ( she of the mill by the stream) she was a bit wet and bedraggled but she threw a bucket of water over Faggot Faced Fanny to cool her ardour ( that put the mockers on it as she had,nt washed for years) and stank like a polecat. Nelly shouted ,He,s mine and dragged him away to her Mill where she held him close to her ample bossom and the next thing was

he was enjoying a bit of rumpty pumpty until some one appeared in the door way and said

Oy mate thats yer long lost mommy,and I,m your Dad so on your bike and get back from whence you came ,we thought we,d got rid of you years ago how did you find us again? as he started to explain there was a great rumbling and groaning from outside, Oh no they shouted its

Big Bertha

Er whats she doing 'er came the cry. With that

she set about all of them and slung Eldrick over her shoulder and carried him to

the nearest pub, I need a drink said Big Bertha, "a nice cup of tea and cucumber sandwiches " yelled our Hero.

No she replied I nee a pint of ale or two to keep up my strength to

Make you a very happy man she was smiling from ear to

there and back again. Our Hero has been slipped a little medicinal tot in his tea and was feeling very

Uncomfortable who was that messing with his tatties? then he shouted .leave my onions alone .i could do with some

time to gather myself together and think of a plan to get out of the clutches of Big Berth ,who was slowly getting very drunk indeed,Eldrick was

just pondering on the next move to free him of his troubles when