Genealogy Chat

Im so sorry that it has taken so long to reply but after the meeting on sunday i took of on a weeks holiday to try and get my head round things.As you may guess it wasnt what i expected at all.I am def no snob or think im better than others but when i turned up there i was greeted by a very unusual sort of "family".Dont get me wrong they were nice to me and very kind but there "habbits" and lifestyle were very very different to any ive met.When i was going through my teenage years i couldnt understand why i was always angry, aggitated,stressy and very bad tempered i just put it down to growing up but really it was more than that its what you would call my genes that i had inherited.Luckily i didnt inherit ALL of them.I was greeted at the door by my uncle shown to a very very ill aunt who couldnt speak or move because of m.s and then introduced to 2 cousins and 2 small under the age of 5 children.That i could cope with.Next i was told that they hadnt had contact with my birth mother for 6 years because she didnt like their lifestyle,i now know why.For the rest of the day they got stoned got very very drunk and went on to tell me what criminal activities the family were up to, who and for how long they had served time in prison,how many ways you can shoot a person with a sawn off before they die,how to get 36k of cocaine into the country and finally how to run their side of london.It was an eye opener i can tell you.The only good thing that i came away with (i think) is that i was told that nobody knew who my dad was,well i do now not only do i know his name but they had a picture to show me (i am the spitting image of him).Oh and if any of you are interested in riding the fair grounds for free i know how and what to say because im related to them,great ah.I dont know now what i was looking for and the whole thing was very . . . . i think the words traumatic for my ticker,i may be 30 but i now have many more white hairs.I havent had any contact with them since as they were all to out of it when i left that they forgot to ask for a phone number or address.Oh and birth mother last week decided she now wants to meet,any tips on how to handle that one because i really havent a clue.

Good Lord. On the plus side, your mother doesn't approve of their behaviour which indicates that she must be reasonably normal. Good luck.

Dont know if i have the energy or should i say sanity left to find out,all i do know about her is that shes blind in one eye from diabetes (sorry dont know how to spell it) hasnt left her home in many many years,used to be an alcoholic and has tryed to kill her self a few times.If i go these things maybe true if i dont they may be tall stories.So other than flipping a coin i dont know what to do

Louise, I can't even begin to imagine what this experience has been like for you but I'm sure I speak for everyone on here who read your previous thread. We are all here for you. I hope for you that the reason your Birth Mother has nothing to do with her family is because of the way they are. When you meet her, meet somewhere public. That way you will not feel that you have to make a commitment to see each other again. Perhaps your Mother had your best interests at heart when she had you adopted. With a family like hers maybe she could see that even though she loved you the best she could do would not be good enough.I hope that the meeting goes as well as possible. Please keep us updated. Best wishes Janet

Thats just it janet i went to live with them after my mother decided she didnt want me so im not so sure about the situation between them and the other thing is that i had all ready decided that meeting in a public place would be best but shes agrophobic (really dont know how to spell that) roughly translated she has a fear of leaving her home and wont.So i would have to go to her home,daunting thought.

Louise, I think you really need to get some post adoption conselling. I'm sure someone on here will be able to tell you where to go. I think you will need someone to act as a go between on your behalf to speak to your mother and help you get your head around your experiences so far. It sounds as if your Mother has quite a few problems. In my experience these problems stem from childhood. You must talk this through with someone who is qualified, even if you just need a sounding board. Janet

Poor you... Sorry I wasnt being nosey but just happened to read your thread ... dont know what to say except.. I sympathize with you

Louise, I'm so sorry things didn't turn out as you'd maybe hoped but at least now you know a few things (and learned a few more) than perhaps you did before. Have you put a post on the general board about your meeting , because there were quite a few people concerned about how you had got on, meeting your family. I'm sure they'd all be happy to know your ok. Take care Christine

Hi Louise All I can say is treat as you find. I think it would be a good idea for you to meet your birth mother as not to have her clouded by the family's stories of her, so as to make your own judgement. After all you've come this far : ) If the family stories are true - her life sounds a sad one . As Christine says many members have been asking after you and maybe by posting on the general topics board a whole wealth of support , advice and sympathy will be there for you . Much happiness Debi

Hi Louise All I can say is well done for staying as long as you did. I think I would have left much sooner but you gave it a go. You maybe should meet your birth mother as she can't be worse than what you've already seen. If you survived that, you can get through anything. Maybe you should take some time to recharge your batteries first. You might end up with a new friend after all this. Good luck whatever you decide to do. Lynne

What a story Louise! You must be feeling so mixed up at the moment, not what you expected at all. I would certainly recommend post-adoption counselling, try Norcap's website www(.)norcap(.)org or even contact your local Social Services office for recommendations. It's better to have the first meeting with a birth relative on 'neutral' ground, but if your birth mother really can't leave the house then I would do as Liz suggested and take someone with you. As you already know, I too have 'been there', so you will also know that I understand and send you love and support. Mandy :)

Louise, What an awful experience, it brings to truth the saying 'we can choose our friends but not our relatives'!! - hence there are few of my mums rellies we never want to see again!!! I think you should see your birth mother otherwise you will always be wondering...- take along a friend. If she is as bad as her 'loving' family say she is, thank your lucky stars she gave you away!! MaggieX

I'm glad you've finally got back to us with your news and so sorry it wasn't as you hoped. I feel you should see her too and being adopted and agoraphobic myself can perhaps see both sides. I have yet to meet my birth mum as she's in Australia.Perhaps the old adage that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger applies here.!! Good luck.

Louise Someone in my family had a similar experience to yours and was very upset at the time. He has not made contact with his 'birth family' since. However, if it's any comfort, he's now accepted it all and even has a laugh about it. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds as if your family's problems are down to drink and drugs......which can turn the nicest people into 'monsters'.....so don't worry that you've inherited any of the resulting behaviour you saw. Just like your teenage behaviour was due to hormones more than anything else. Be proud of yourself for how you handled it all, and have a fantastic life of your own. Best wishes Natalie

What a traumatic experience! I've only just found this thread (hadn't seen the earlier one!) and can only agree with MANDY FROM SOMERSET about contacting NORCAP - they have a fantastic team of counsellors and will have come across similar situations many times. They were a great help to me some years ago now (as an adopted person). Just be careful with your mother though. Having cast off the rest of the family, she may have become very "needy" and see you as some sort of replacement. You might find yourself taking on more than you can chew and get rather sucked into doing far more for her than you should. If you happen to live not very far away from her, don't tell her where, or she might not accept the excuse that you live too far away to see her much! On the other hand, she may be a totally delightful lady who wouldn't dream of imposing herself on you, but would love to have the odd chat on the phone or an occasional visit. Please DON'T do this on your own and DON'T agree to anything you're not genuinely happy with. For your own sake. Having said that, my natural mother never agreed to see me (too many bad memories, as she kept me for seven months before parting with me) so there is always the missing piece of the jigsaw for me. Even if you see her just the once, it might complete that jigsaw for you at least. All the best and feel free to contact me if you wish. Mary, Devon

So very sorry to hear what happened, I really hoped it would go well. However although "the family" were nothing like what you expected I do wonder (slightly) that a lot of what they said and the booze was to do with them being extremely nervous and maybe trying to impress in their own way!!! I can perhaps now understand why your birth mother wants contact - at least to put the record straight - she's probably nothing like them and doesn't want you thinking that she is. It's possibly why she had you adopted in the first place to stop you being brought up in that environment. We all have an image of what our birth family are like which turns out to be a figment of our imagination. I too found an uncle who I'd rather not have had and if I'd met him first I would probably not continued my search. It turns out he's nothing like the rest of them (thankfully). An aunt also stopped me being brought up by my birth family and now knowing the circumstances I really appreciate her intervention. Try to get your birth mother to meet you somewhere neutral if all all possible and I agree with what Mary has just said and about taking someone with you. You need to meet your birth mum (even if its only the once) to find out yourself her side of the story (there's always 2 sides though so be careful about what you accept as the truth). You may find yourself overcome with emotion (you don't expect to but it happens) especially if the information imparted is traumatic. However you must be ready in yourself and don't be rushed into it too soon. When you do go (as you will at some stage) be open minded especially if the conditions she's living in aren't good. In my voluntary work I come across lovely people living in the most dire conditions through a series of circumstances that they can't alter, especially if they are ill and don't have the right support. Be honest with her about any further relationship you want with her, mine is an occasional phone call, letter, visit even but don't be sucked into a situation you don't want. A lad I know was adopted and had the most awful time in care and adoption. He needed to find his roots and finally met his dad but doesn't know what to believe about his family. He'd been told very different stories from social services, adoptive family, family members and eventually his dad. He too comes from a "family from hell" with most of the blame being on the mother and siblings (who he hasn't found yet). Until he hears what they have to say he doesn't know what to believe. However when he met his dad recently he got quite drunk (he doesn't drink) and just didn't know what to say to him. It was a very traumatic time for him and he's still very mixed up about where he wants it to go. Anyway take your time before making a decision about when and where to meet your birth mother. Good Luck

Hi Louise, I have just had a meeting with family members that were not what I was expecting. While I was tracing my family tree, I posted a message, they saw it and invited me round to meet them and to be able to give me info about that side of the family, while I was there they had not even bothered to get dressed even though they had set the time for me to go round for a visit, while I was there my aunt was plesent, my uncle never even came down stairs to meet me, my cousine claimed to have a bad head ache and went back to bed, my uncle then banged down to let my aunt know that she had an appointment and had to go out, if this was the case then why bother to ask me round at all, I went and within 5 mins of getting into town I walked past them all out shopping, cousin fully recovered!!!! I got the info I wanted about further family members, but I won't bother to contact them ever again, on saying that nor do any brothers or sisters of my aunt.....That tells me that there must be some thing wrong with her, not me. So when you feel strong enough do go along to meet with your birth mother and yes take some one with you I took my husband, it is always better to have some one with you as they can see things clearer, and can be very supportive if things don't go as well as you would have liked. Good luck

Hi Louise, and I'm sure I speak for everyone by saying thanks for having the guts to let us know what happened - us being total strangers to you! All the messages I've seen above are fantastic - you members of GR really are supportive, bless you. As you, Louise, know, our daughter has had some trying times over the past year, and even now she's not sure if she ever wants to see her birth mother again - but whatever she decides, Bob and I will be there for her. It really sounds as if the opportunity is presenting itself for you and Birth Mum to meet. I know it's easy for me to say, though. Give it time, when you're ready. What I must tell you, also, is that Shauna really appreciated your words in our original email contact, so although you may not realise it, you've helped our daughter due to your experiences. Although it may sound patronising (which I hope it doesn't!), please realise that you've got qualities that you don't give yourself credit for. Take care, Glenys xx