Genealogy Chat

See below

Evening all. I’m in a bit of a sticky situation and wondered if anyone could offer any advice. This is the story. My grandma on my mum’s side had an affair with a married man and fell pregnant with my mum. This man, my granddad, left his wife and set up home with my gran, but shortly after his local priest bombarded him with guilt trips to leave my gran and return to his wife. He did. My mum grew up without ever seeing her dad or having any form of contact with him. My granddad went on to have two other daughters with his wife. My gran never married, put this man, my granddad, on a pedestal and no one could compete with him, so she died a few years ago at 67 years old never having had another relationship or any more children. After my gran died, my mum plucked up the courage to write to her dad, having found information on him amongst grans things. He and his family live half an hour away from where we do. He responded and has contact with my mum maybe a dozen times a year. Mum has said to him numerous times that she doesn’t want to turn up with me to his funeral with no one knowing who we are, and claiming us to be liars etc. and therefore he should tell his family the truth as she’s been a secret for 45 years. His wife knows about us but refuses to deal with it, and apparently always said to him to keep us away, not talk about us etc. as it affected her health. The problem I have is that I have no family left apart from my mum. I grew up without my dad, had from the age of 15 to 25 with him being around to get to know, but then he took his own life 18 months ago. I don’t really know his side of the family and never knew my paternal grandparents. I’ve lost the grandma I knew and grew up with. But, I have two half aunties out there, with cousins, and a grandfather. No idea if my aunties know about my mum and I or not, but my mum has promised for two years now to write to them and hasn’t. She’s asked her dad to come clean so it isn’t a shock for them, but he says he can’t do it and will just deal with it when they question him after receiving letters from my mum. My problem is, I have found them on here, and don’t know what to do. I feel mum is being selfish in being so mousy about this and not contacting them. Do I contact them?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOh - this is really difficult. I can see why you would want to make contact but, understandably this is from YOUR point of view - not theirs. - It needs VERY careful thought. - I wouldn't presume to give you advice as there are others on this board FAR better qualified than me. You say you have found your relatives on here - what information are they looking for? - Does this give you any clues as to how they would feel to discover you? Dea x

Emma What a very sad story and I do appreciate how you must feel. However, I can sort of see your Mum's side of it - if she wrote to his children announcing her existence, they would, I THINK, be pretty much obliged to side with their mother. And it might cause such a furore that your Grandad would be 'forced' to stop all contact with your Mum. (He sounds a bit weak, sorry if that sounds rude). At the risk of sounding like Pollyanna, sometimes in life things arent fair and we can';t always have what we want or think we deserve. When in doubt, do nothing, is my motto: perhaps the time to do something is after your GFs wife has died? This is only MY opinion of course and I hope that whatever you decide to do, it has a happy ending for you. Good luck Marjorie

Hi Dea, Very careful thought indead. I've found my grandads full name and place of birth along with my two half aunties details on the search facility. They've been entered by one of my aunties. I haven't found any 'trying to find' information though. I did wonder about maybe playing it a bit dumm and sending a message, rather than admiting I know everything. Maybe suggesting that I believed this man went on to marry someone else and have his own family, instead of being the naughty boy he was!

Emma Thanks again for finding my Matthews in 1871! Now, about your quandry. Are you wanting to make contact with this other family because you want to have more family members now, or to help you trace your tree? If you want to trace your tree, although they might be able to help it is possible to do a lot without their help. If you want to claim them as relatives, they may not be so willing. If they have no idea at all then at the very least it would take them time to come to terms with the shock. They may also see it as a betrayal of their mother. I remember being quite upset at finding out that my father-in-law had been married and divorced before he married my mother-in-law - and in a way it was nothing to do with me - he wasn't a blood relative and I found out after he was dead. I honestly don't know what to suggest. But I think it needs to involve your mum if you do make contact. Don't do anything yet - see what other suggestions people make and sleep on it. Best wishes, nell

Hi Marjorie, I don't take the 'weak' comment as being rude at all. That's a very polite word compared to what my step dad and me have called him to my mum. I've spoken to my partner and others about this, and most people have thought that the kids would be angry with the mother for forcing him to keep this part of their family secret. But it could easily go the other way. What you suggested about doing something after their mother has passed away would work, but what I don't want to happen is for my grandad to pass first, and we turn up to pay our respects (which no one could stop me from doing) and they wouldn't have a clue who we were. What a terrible time for them to find out as well. Oh I don't know....

Do you have his parents in your tree on here? If so and they are seriously doing their trees, surely they would spot the coincidence and contact you? The 'how are we related question' may be tricky if they don't know. I would guess they have heard on the grapevine about your grandmother. You say they live half an hour away. The locals would have gossiped and there is always someone willing to say 'Oooh your Dad was ....'. Family secrets are often known by all and acknowledged by none Beth :)

Nell, It wasn't me I'm affraid who found your 1871 peeps - not if it was recently anyway! I certainly will be doing what you say though and sleeping on it. We've waited this long so a bit more time can't make any difference. It's not the family tree aspect of it that I want to make contact for - although that is my obsession in life. It's more just so that they know we exist and if they wanted to make contact back or get to know us at all then that would be great. I certainly wouldn't push anything on them once they knew of us - that would be up to them.

Emma, I think this is a very serious situation and you need to speak to people who have experience in this field - there are 2 people on here who I have noticed will understand - one is Jess and th other is Chris (apologies to others who are well informed but I don't know of you) I have nudged up Jess's thread on adoptees - I know you are not adopted but this is a very similar situation. - Perhaps there is someone there who can give you advice. All I would say is don't do anything until you have spoken to someone who can properly advise. Regards, Dea. x

Sorry Emma I thought you were Emma in Yorkshire who found my Matthews mistranscribed as Marthers. nell

Pat, I'm sure I do need to talk to mum more about it before doing anything. The problem with going along to meet him too is that he just sneaks away from home whenever he can - turning up at mums at 7 in the morning most times when she's in the bath getting ready for work! Nothing's ever planned as he always has to lie to his wife and just dash off. He once phoned in the morning before his wife got up and when he heard her coming down stairs he put the phone down on mum. 10 minutes later mum's phone rang and when she answered the line went dead. We're sure it was his wife pressing redial - so we're sure she knows he has had some contact.

Beth, I haven't got his parents on at the minute but that's a good idea. Mum's got his original birth certificate so I'll get the details and add them on. You never know.

Thanks for nudging the other thread Dea. x

Little nudge

Sorry only just read this , If the people that you are interested in contacting have entered their details on this site, they re obviously interested in their family history. Leaving the 'emotions bit' to one side for a moment (which i know is the crux of it but...) there is nothing at all to stop you adding yourself and your mum (both living so need her consent) to your tree with the correct infomation present, almost as if you didn't know the situation. With all that info present and correct as it were, they may then contact you, especially if they have heard the gravevine jangle. if they do not respond (and you'd need to give them a while) then there is no reason, i dont think, that you shouldn't contact them- after all you are searching the same name and ancestors on a 'finding out level' The hard bit is the emotions bit . The realisation and the coming to terms does seem easier for the next generations and the whole point of them ading to this site may well be that they are looking. Your Mum isn't a mouse- is her desire for evreything to be in the open as great as yours? message me off thread if you want.

Just thought I'd let you all know that mum finally sent a letter to each half sister on Thursday. And last night the youngest sister phoned my mum for an hour and a half. Both sisters are over the moon mum got in touch - very sad that their dad hasn't been able to tell them anything considering it was 50 years ago - can't wait to meet us - no anger, upset, hostility nothing - just a really lovely phone call feeling sorry for my mum having to grow up without their dad etc. And she even called my mum 'sister' at the end of the call. It couldn't have gone better. Yipeeee my mum's no longer a secret. Thank you to all who gave advice, love em x

Wondered what happened - what a lovely outcome - now she'll wonder why she didn't do it years ago- I do believe that things happen for a reason when they do , so maybe it wouldn't have been so good at another time. The times was right and has a happy ending ! Excellent - take things slowly will be thinking of you jess x

Emma, I have been looking on the boards for an update since I spoke to you last. I am SO pleased about this and for you and your mum. Try not to get over excited though as not every member of your family may be as welcoming - you may still have a few problems here and there. However, it seems as though at least two of them have had a little joy put into their lives and you and your mum have also gained so be thankful for that at the moment and move forward a step at a time. Wishing you all every happiness. Dea XXX

I am so glad it has worked out for you