Genealogy Chat

I thought I'd tie up some loose ends on the more distant branches of my family tree and using all the usual publicly available records I discovered the story of a couple who died 65 years ago leaving a large family of orphaned children. I made contact with one of them, a man who was an infant when his parents died. He was adopted and it wasn't until he reached adulthood that he discovered his early history. My problem is this. I corresponded with him and sent him everything I know, but now he keeps phoning me and wants to meet up to talk about his lost parents. He seems obsessed with the gruesome details of their deaths and resentful that his older siblings kept the truth from him. Although I've told him I only know what I've got from the public record he still keeps on at me. I don't want to hurt him because it is obviously something that this poor old fellow has carried all his life. What should I do? If I meet up with him I know it won't stop there. I feel responsible that I've opened this can of worms.

I think the only thing to do is to write him a sympathetic letter, saying that there is nothing more you can tell him, but give him the addresses or websites where he can find all the material that you found yourself. Urge him to look up the information himself and apologise for bringing back 'bad memories'. Then just hope that he takes the hint that you don't really want to meet. If he persists, you may have to be blunt. Kath. x

In fairness, you did contact him first and now, when he wants to know and understand ( and maybe even come to terms with ) what you know, you dont want to talk to him about it. what was your point in contacting him if you dont want to carry it thru? You may have accessed stuff that he wouldnt have a clue where to find and maybe you could take a little time to tell him , even once what you know, and then back away

Jess, you're absolutely right, and that's why I feel uncomfortable. I was researching family history and instead I've tapped into somebody's traumatic past. I think I've learned a lesson here.

Hi Paul, Never ever meet up with him, your gut feeling tells you not to, already know that you shouldn't so don't!! Betty

Hi Paul I know you contacted him but you have told him all you know so I think you will have to be firm with him and tell him that you are sorry and that there is nothing else you can do. Gwen

He sees you as the bridge between NOW and THEN.....a sort of link to his unknown heritage.

It sounds as though he doesnt know a lot, and maybe you are the key to his past - you say his siblings wont talk about it, maybe you are the only person in the whole world that will ever discuss it with him, ever! That sounds a bit melodramatic but ....

Paul. I agree with jess here. He sees you as a life line to the past he never knew. Does he not have any children who could continue the search for him? Vanessa

Thank you everybody for the thought provoking replies. I think Kath's suggestion would be the most sensible way forward, but taking into account everything I have read here I will be as co-operative and helpful as I can without making personal contact. Sometimes life would be a whole lot easier if we were insensitive and uncaring.

Paul. If everyone felt and acted that way there would be no point helping others has we all do on this site. You did what you thought was the right thing in sending everything to him. You have listened and been a shoulder to cry on. I feel i would have done the same thing if in your position. No one knows what reaction to expect from uniting info to rellie. Just do what you feel is the right thing to do. Vanessa

Paul, I have to agree with Jess here, you must, IMHO, follow through what you have started. Yes you may have opened a can of worms but I think it would be cruel to back out now. It will be hard but perhaps you can meet him on neutral ground, take him a portfolio of what you have, go through it with him and then gradually back away. You never know he might be a really interesting and nice person. If you think he's a bit pushy at the moment, think how you would feel having all this info given to you out of the blue. His emotions are probably running high, you can help him by gently explaining the family history and gradually back off in time. If he has family of his own he probably would want to share it with them anyway and back away from you !! Good luck what ever you decide Kat

Paul, NO, NO, NO - do not let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into meeting up with him, either by him or anyone else. Kath's suggestion is the right one for you - your instincts tell you so. Regards,Wendy

Hi Paul A dilemma for sure. It's difficult because you've already sent him everything you know, and told him that you have no further information. I wondered if you'd just written/typed everything out and sent that to him? Only if that's the case, perhaps you could print off or photocopy the relevant pages of the BMD indexes for instance; perhaps it would make it more real to him to see the actual image in black and white? I can see his desperation for the link to his past. I had a contact via Friends Reunited from a lady who was at school with my birth mother (with whom I now have no contact). This lady was really pleasant and friendly, and said that she had lived near, and gone to school with, b/m and that b/m had a child and was then pregnant again (this would have been with me). I mailed back thanking for her kind reply and asked if she could tell me a little bit about my b/m's schooldays. I've had no reply and I would just love to fill in a few gaps about my b/m before she actually had me. Sorry, I've rambled on a bit, but I hope you see what I mean! Mandy :)

we had something happen like this in the family and since I was the one to call and ask some question regarding a family secret that I thought this person was aware of but didn't I felt it was my duty to talk about this with the person until she felt like she understood it all herself. I thought she should have gotten all she needed about three visits earlier but I wasn't the one learning it all for the first time. I wasnt the one that was shocked with news of family members lieing and misleading me. She knew that she should move on and she would have if I had never contacted her about it. It was my responsiblity to make sure it had been put to rest. I told her that I was there if she needed any more questions answered but I reminded her that all the information I had was also the information (and papers) she had. After a month or so she moved on ....but again it didn't take a week remember you have rocked this poor mans life... you have changed the way he thought his life was.... remember you are the reason he has these questions. Try and see it through his eyes for just a little while longer. Just me thoughts from some one that has done the very same thing. Bev

I have to agree, on balance, that you owe it to this chap to take this just a little bit further to keep him happy But, having done that, you will then be in a position to draw a line under it, happy in the knowledge that you had done all that could reasonably be expected of you. If, after that, he still cannot understand your position then that would be unfortunate but not your problem. Perhaps prudent to do all this on neutral territory. Denis

This is such a difficult call, Paul, presumably this man is older than you. He must be over 65 obviously, even I can manage the maths just about at this time of night. Was he adopted with some of his siblings, or kept in touch with them through his adoptive parents. From what you say he seems to know of them and they of him or why would he be resentful at their keeping things from him. They must also be older than him - I am making assumptions here from the original posting so could be wrong - if they are still around surely it should be them who help him further. If they are older then some may still be alive who actually remember the parents. It is them he needs to appeal to if it is possible, not you who only learned about it third hand as it were. Can you guide him to this idea. After all, you did not know his parents at all, so he can't expect you to know details of what they were like or anything about them as people and that is what us adoptees really want to know. Not really much help, but just another adopted person's two pence worth of thoughts. Eileen

Paul, You're in a horrible situation and regardless of what you do you are going to have a bad feeling about this. I have a couple of questions as the original post is unclear, at least to me. 1. Did you tell this man of his past or did he know about it already and 2. The siblings that kept it from him were they his blood siblings or adopted ones? If he already knew about what had happened then this is not your fault. However he is obviously traumatised by it and you are the only one who is/was willing to talk about it. 2. If it's his real siblings that didn't tell him them he needs to find out why they wouldn't. If they remember the time it may be too traumatic for them to talk. However may be you could point this out and help him find a way to appraoch them. If it was his adopted siblings that hid the truth then help him understand that maybe his adopted parents didn't want him to know, the horrible or truth or that they were really his parents. Many kids weren't told they were adopted especially back then. You need to find a way to back away from this man but nicely. You aren't comfortable and in the end may do more harm than good but hopefully you can do it in such a way that will help him. Show him how to research for himself. Maybe he can find someone, a neighbour or other relative that can actually help him as they knew his family or situation first hand. Sorry for the long reply. Good luck Toni

Hi Paul, As an adoptee I know how the guy feels. There is a void where his past life should be, it is nothing tangible but is there all the time. There may be a memory block on his early life, often found with trauma in infant lives. In short he is desperate for family contact and fortunately I found half of my birth family and I have travelled all over the world meeting them but you are his only link with his past so he clings on with all his ability. On my mothers side of my family my mother doesn't want to meet, this is like a double rejection, there is also a sister who doesn't want to meet. Why? what are they afraid of? I'm nearly sixty years old and all I want is to give my mum a hug. Give your relative a chance, let him have copies of family photos, after all why join GR if not to find your past? and re-unite with your family? Best wishes to both of you Dave

Thank you all so much for these considered responses. I feel that if I can help this old fellow to some sort of closure it would be worthwhile, but to simply pick at old wounds would benefit nobody. He already knew what had happened to his parents but only from hearsay.... my information was drawn from the public record. He has had everything I could possibly give him in the package I posted to him, so my discomfiture is really because I have nothing more to offer except sympathy. The issues he needs to deal with are really within his own family and I must say I can identify with his older siblings who wished to spare him the details of a harrowing story. He may resent this but such decisions are often taken with the best of intentions.