Genealogy Chat

Is it ever too late to contact them?

I know there is never a simple answer to such a complex and emotive situation. I have a friend, he is 62yrs of age and has only just looked into his adoption. He was adopted by a lovely couple when he was 4yrs old, and his adoptive mum is still living. His birth mother's name is quite unusual and he has discovered through the telephone book that she lives only 21 miles away from him. She is 85yrs of age, is it just too late to rake things up? Should he leave well alone, he is very confused and undecided. She could be thrilled, she could be horrified, and he's not even sure he wants to take things further anyway. I would love to give him some words of wisdom, but this is hard....

It is hard, sammy, very hard. She may be delighted to hear from him, but on the oher hand, after all this time, lest face it , the shock could finish her off! Normally i'd say you should only contact the person themselves, but given the age of the mother now, can you/he hunt down any of her children and see if there is any chance they know about his existance even? jess x

'Is it ever too late.....................?' No - unless it is really too late, and they have passed on. Many of us have found our birth mothers - sometimes with happy results and sometimes not - you always have to be prepared for that. As an adoptee I have 'found' birth mother, and numerous half-siblings. Birth mother now sadly gone. There is pleasant relaxed contact with siblings, some often, some not so often, but this is no different to many siblings who are not separated. Stupidly I left it too late where my birth father was concerned, only to find that he had spent years searching for me, and told his subsequent children they had an older sister, and asked them to continue looking for me when he had gone. My fault, I had the information, he had not. I could have saved him years of worry. I did not deliberately not search for him, it was simply that I had the usual bitty female busy life with several children, etc. and by the time, I made time - too late. If you have the knowledge, only you can decide how you act on it. The responsibility is yours. You can give or with-hold the information that you are ok, and hopefully that you bear no grudge and your life has been good. You cannot guess how this information will be received, and you should not expect anything in return. If you get a positive reaction from the birth mother, then you are lucky - but remember you are for her opening a can of worms. She may have spent years trying to forget the pain of parting, she may not want to be reminded, she may not have told any later family, and be terrified that they will reject her. She may be delighted and want you back in her life, she may be delighted, but still not want you back in her life. She may need time to think.......... Tread softly .....but remember, you are the one with the information. If you keep it to yourself, you will never know. Eileen

What a difficult dilemma. Does you friend have a sensible, A VERY SENSIBLE, female friend who would act as a go-between? Who could write a very vague letter saying she had noticed the unusual name while doing her family history and wondered if Mrs (BM) had any connection with (Birthplace) in 19-whatever. She will know instantly what this is, but no-one else will, if she hasnt told them. I would normally be horrified at this sort of approach, (I think), but time is of the essence here, and the BM might feel less threatened by a female third party than a direct approach by her son. The third party could also maintain the distance between the two, whilst both thought out what they wanted. So very very difficult. I do wish your friend the best of luck. OC

Hi Sammy Like the others have said, a difficult situation, and probably one with no 'right or wrong' answer. I traced my birth family when I was 39, so not relevant. However, my birth mother had a half-sister who was adopted (yes, runs in the family lol!). My aunt left tracing her birth family until her adoptive parents had passed away, by which time her birth mother was well into her 80s. She approached her half-sister as although she knew her existence would probably come as a surprise, it would be better to contact someone in their 60s rather than their 80s. Aunt's half-sister then acted as intermediary between aunt and birth mother. However, once the contact has been established, I would suggest that he then speaks directly to his birth mother for her own opinion, rather than that of the intermediary. Best wishes Mandy :)

'' dont quite think contacting her children first off is a good idea. They may not know of your friends existance. '' < I meant that in a general way, see if the half ( possibly full )sibling gave away anything. if you say you are reseraching a name in a given area, they may very well say that they were one of 4 born to so-and-so, one of which was given for adoption. They may not, and you are no further on, but if you are categorically sure of your facts ( the right lady) they at least you are awre that her subsequent children have no knowledge.

Thank you all for your very helpful replies. It is without doubt, the right lady. Christian name, middle intitial & surname all correct. She's the only match in the country in fact, and has stayed in her & her adpoted sons place of birth. My friend was adopted at 4yrs of age and his papers give his birth mother's maiden name & married name, I have discovered that her marriage took place a few months prior to his adoption, and there has been at least three children born within that marriage. This lady is now a widow. I think the feeling is very much 'If you don't ask, you don't get' isn't it? A go-between sounds a very good idea, direct to the birth mother herself, if indeed my friend wants to take things further. His approach to locating her, not even knowing if she was still alive, was very casual, and I think he's in shock that actually....she's within spitting distance, so-to-speak. Your input will definitely give him food for thought, thank you all Sam

'She could be thrilled, she could be horrified, and he's not even sure he wants to take things further anyway.'............ Sounds like the thoughts of every adoptee,whether young or not quite so young,man or woman. My thoughts were much the same when i made the decision,could i handle the possible rejection?Could i live with not taking the next step? It is a very emotive subject and one that people never realise how difficult it is to experience until they do so. I was lucky in my search,although my birth mother died many years before i started looking i have found living relatives,some very friendly and some more wary and distant. It wouldn't be right to say 'yes go for it' or 'no let sleeping dogs lie',there is only one person who can decide. Whatever decision your friend makes just be there to offer support,because sometimes i think the chaps find it harder to deal with than the ladies. Glen

Thank you Glen

Although not adopted,I still had to make a decision whether to meet up with my birth father whom I had never heard of and didnt even know my dad wasnt my birth father at the age of 34,which sometimes can be worse,not knowing anything.Once that contact is made,as im sure you know Sammy,there is no going back,the mystery has gone,its real,no longer a name in a directory ,electoral role or file,its someone biologically connected,same eyes,nose,hair whatever.......a different world....the best way i can describe the change is like in that film Stargate where you walk through that hole in the wall . Chris

Hi Chris....and thanks for your thoughts ;)

Hi All, Find that I am in exactly the same situation. I was not adopted but put into care. In all my lifetime I have never met a living family member. The only information I ever had was a short file from the care home as to why I was put into care. This had minimal information. After being on GR now for some time I have located not only my mother; (father will never be know) but also all her brothers and sisters, her children, their children and so on. My mum is dead so I will never have the opportunity to meet with her. Her children are alive and well and so are their children all living just miles from me. I now possess enough information to call at their front door. What do I do? I've pondered over this for a long time, and like the replies given above, I too have been given some very good advice. The dilemma is that there is good advice to sway you in both directions. I've concluded that if I were to seek contact I would request and be happy to pay for my local Social Services to act as my intermediary. Good luck Robin

I think the way in which the adoptee makes the approach is the more important thing. I am not adopted but unbeknown to the family my grandmother had a son proir to her marriage who was adopted. He traced the family after my grandmother had died, he was a man in his 70s by then. He arrived unannounced at my uncle's home with the story of tracing his family tree and when he was told that yes this was a member of the family he was looking for, he (his words) 'Hit him with my birth certificate.' Imagine how that was for my uncle who had no idea of this man's existence. ( I don't like the idea of anyone hitting my uncle with anything, figuratively or otherwise) Some of his half brothers and sisters have really taken to him while others are not so keen. I remember my first meeting with him, he came to my house as my mother, his half sister was staying with me at the time. I was quite excited to meet my new uncle, however as the evening wore on I found myself much less keen. He was not interested in our stories of his mother, it was all what he thought about her and what she would have wanted. He never met her! The last straw for me was as he left my house he backed me into a corner and tried to kiss me goodbye, on the lips! Yuk. I am sure that your friend will be much more sensitive than this man!!!

Robin Hood I think your situation is slightly different to the one outlined by Sammy. In that situation we are talking about an elderly lady, and there simply cannot be all that much time left to do anything. In your situation, I think you are very wise to use a professional go-between, because there are third parties (i.e. your Bms relatives) involved who may know nothing of your existence and may need time to digest the info. When people know I am doing my Family History, they immediately tell me all sorts of incredible secrets about themselves and though I have no personal experience to draw on, I can tell you that from listening to other people's experiences, there is a mixed bag of results generally. One chap accidentally found out (when he wanted his apprenticeship indentures signed) that he was adopted and that his BM was in fact his Auntie Gladys, married and with about 8 kids. He waited till Gladys died and made an extremely cautious approach, through a cousin, to his oldest half-sibling. This went well but slowly and eventually he met up with all his half siblings. After the meeting he got a solicitor's letter, calling him a liar, and telling him never to contact the family again. In his words 'I left it there'. He now gets a Xmas card from the oldest sibling and that is all. I am not telling you the above to frighten you off but I think, possibly, that had this been done through the 'correct' channels, it might not have had the same outcome. I have never been in this position so its easy for me to say - but I would HAVE to do it,even if it all went terribly wrong. I think the saddest words in the English Language are 'too late'. Good luck to all of you. OC

hi sammy i always think the best way to approch this subject is by writting a letter and it then puts the ball in there court weather they want to have contact or not.i am an adoptee and wanted contact with birth family.i wrote a letter and put my email address and mobile fone number and i did have a response which was a good one hope this helps good luck bacardi xx

In reply to 'An Old Croan Holden' Once again after reading your reply several times I can see much logic in it whether or not I agree or disagree with your reply. This is why I truley appreciate the dilema that Smiley Sammy faces, that once you go down a road there's no turning back and you hope to God you have chosen the correct path. We all look up at the moon but none of us see it exactly as the other sees it. Wishing you every success. Robin

I will let you all know if he decides to go ahead. I found three children in total, taking the lady to her 40's so I stopped looking. The first son died in the quarter following his birth in 1946, then in 1952 there are twins, boy & girl. I have got both on the electoral roll within a 11m radius of their mother. As you say, time is of the essence, and I think either a letter to BM or an intermediary is the way to go Good advice from all of you Many thanks Sam